Posts Tagged ‘tourist

19
Oct
16

Who Can Kill a Child? (1976)

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Uncle Grumpyfuk remembers
… Surprise! Ha-ha, yes my scaly compares Uncle Grumpyfuk is back, just released today at 12:00 noon! Heh, “We’ll be seeing you back here in no time!” said the head Doc, ha! (I’ve already managed to slip out of the ankle bracelet and attach it to one of my neighbor’s piglets!) Sew-eee!!!
  Speaking of piglets, waiting for me amongst the unopened piles of Publishers Clearing House entry forms and moldy food porn dvds I found a gem from the beautiful country of Spain, a little kiddie film entitled “Who Can Kill a Child?” Great title eh? Sid and Marty Croft eat your hearts out. Yes this is one of the films from yer uncle’s childhood that gave me a fright and now seems as comical and wholesome as ‘The Waltons Scarlet Fever Thanksgiving Special” – remember when Maw caught Jason fingering Cora Beth? Oooh baby to sniff those fing… anyway… childhood memories eh?
  This film opens with a cheerful collection of hysterical… er, historical clips of dead and tortured children from Germany, Jews, Asians – it’s an even mix- being dragged around and buried in mass graves and stuff, it’s called ‘setting a tone’. Well done.
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  Ok, it begins with a young married couple, wifey is 6 months preggerooski, on vacation in a cool little coastal Spanish town, festival going on, very loud,  so they plan to continue out to a nearby island for some quiet relaxation and anal exploration, heh, rhymes…  So, they kill 10 minutes of film time bumbling around, finally find a boat rental and head for the island.  As..oh, yeah, as they were enjoying the beach before departing, two murdered corpses floated ashore from the direction of the island, forgot about that, no biggie.
   As they arrive they tie up and ask a silent smiling boy who sits fishing what he’s using for bait, he prevents them from seeing with a frown. Heh, heh.
 They quickly notice the town seems deserted other than a few children and a bunch of corpses all over the place that they keep missing, the couple assumes everyone is at festival, so they loot a bar and grocery store (hell yeah!) where the camera pans over a dead chick on the floor in an aisle that hubby misses. While he’s looting wifey is slacking in the bar when in walks a smiling silent young girl who feels and gropes the baby in wifey’s tummy, then splits. Hubby returns and they see an old man down the street, as they watch , who shows up around the corner but the little girl from “Demon Witch Child”, oh boy, ‘something wicked this way comes’! 😉  She promptly grabs the old geezer’s cane and starts wailing away on his bean! Hubby runs over and grabs the cane, the DWC girl laughs in his stupid face and takes a powder, pretty much keeping in character from her last film… So hubby drags the old dude and tosses his body on some straw, walks around the corner for about 3 seconds, looks back around and the kids have hoisted the codger up by his feet and with sickle in hand use his head as as piñata! Now that’s pretty creative My friends. Hubby hurls, staggers back to wifey and tries to lamely bullshit her, ‘they were playing!’, she doesn’t buy it for a sec.
  They finally get the brilliant idea they should maybe, like leave, duh, but are physically blocked by a large group of children. They jump in a truck and hubby guns it, ready to smush the brats into paste when wife in typical hysterical female mode grabs the steering wheel and crashes the truck – mothers, ugh. So they take refuge in the cop station, grab a machine gun and barricade themselves in a cell/room. The children bust in, find a pistol and send an adorable tyke up into the window space to shoot the oldsters. While they try to break the door down he climbs up and aims it at wifey’s noggin, but they hear him draw the hammer and hubby raises the machine gun and answers the movie title question with the answer, ‘Me.’ and blows the tykes adorable brains out! Yeah!
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 They chill for a while when wifey starts screaming that the baby is tearing her insides out and remembers the girl fondling her stomach, passing on the curse. She keels over in record time leaving hubby alone, crying and pissed. So, he takes the machine gun and walks up to the smiling wall of children blocking his path, smiles back and mows down about 20 of them! Yeah, we’ve all wanted to, don’t deny it,. He tears through them, hot foots it down to the boat but takes 5 minutes to untie the line instead of just cutting it so the kids catch up. They start to attack, he picks up an oar and makes like Jackie Chan, slamming the little punks left and right, their painful screams ringing out like the melodic tinkling of wind chimes, but they start to get at him with some knives, then here come McHale’s Navy, or Fernando’s Navy I guess, over the horizon. The El Capitan spots hubby going to town on the brats so he blows hubby’s brains out, ah well.
 As the officers come ashore the kids cry and carry on until the men leave their boat, then El Capitan turns to see the kids unloading rifles from the boat as a smiling young boy turns aims and fires. Yeah, way to go kids, stick it to the Man!
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 The children commandeer their boat and some head back to the mainland. A girl asks a boy, “Will they teach the children there to play too?” .  “Yes,” replies the boy with a smile, “there are lots of children in the world, lots of them.” Now that is a happy ending.
  So remember to tuck your little ones in nice and tight my friends, and lock the door, just in case they played with some strange kids today. 😉
17
Sep
11

Creature: Of Alligators and Incest

a Primal Root written review

Those who know me also know Drive-In Critic Joe Bob Briggs is pretty much my icon. My hero. The man I look up to as my role model. And those who know Joe Bob Briggs are well aware that he’s broken down the formula that makes a B-Movie worth out time. The elements are the fabled, legendary, Three B’s. That is: Blood, Breasts and Beasts. My entire life this has proven to be the key to my enjoyment of a bad movie. As long as those three ingredients are there I’m not bored.

And then I saw the recent film, “Creature”.  A southern fried monster tale about a mean tempered, horny, century old alligator man who rules over a stinky, tobacco stained Louisiana swamp land looking for a place his slimy gator seed can take purchase. Lucky for him, three supernaturally idiotic marines, two of whom bring along their girlfriends and one who brings along his in heat, hooter flashing sister,  have decided to head out into the swamp in search of a death trap, excuse me, I mean…tourist trap.

Who will survive and who gives a shit?

The six attractive younguns stop by a local gas station called Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters and…oh shit, no, wait, it’s just called Chopper’s and is run by…Chopper played by Sid Haig. His little gas station/general store also happens to be a bit of a  museum honoring the local legend…Lockjaw, the malevolent Alligator man who lives in the swamps.  Anyway, Chopper tells them a little bit of the legend, gives them directions (any of this sound familiar?) and the kids head off to go die after flashing their tits and drinking some wine.

It’s a familiar set up and the whole film feels like a brain damaged cross breeding of Rob Zombie’s House of 1,000 Corpses and Adam Green’s Hatchet. I know both of those films have achieved cult status ( The former of which I can understand. The latter? Not so much…) and I am sure this horror abomination will fit snugly amongst that cannon as an interesting side note to that strange slasher fan boy genre birthed early this century.

Might as well kiss that ass goodbye...

It’s that backwoods hillbilly genre that really took off during the naughties with independent horror. From Wrong Turns, to Devil’s Rejects to Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboots, everyone was digging on uneducated, blood thirsty, backwoods, gut munchers. Hell, that resurgence took hold even before that whole Saw franchise flooded the market with torture horror. However, this trashy flick, “Creature”, pulls one aspect of these films that’s typically only touvhed upon and forces it out there into the spotlight for the audience to take a long, creeped out look at. And that element is the wonderful world of incest.

Yes, incest. I know the old southern saying, “The closer the kin, the deeper in” but this flick takes that sentiment to whole different level. Remember when I told you one of the marines brought his red headed, libido of a rabbit, sister along? Well, when her attempts at date raping one of her brother’s friend’s girlfriends doesn’t work out she finds her brother…and gives him a sloppy handjob in the middle of the swamp and then complains that he now can’t fuck her with his wet noodle.  It’s awkward, to say the least and luckily Sid Haig rushes onto the scene and punches her square in the nose before things can escalate.  Being an only child, I’m not sure if this is how regular brother and sisters, umm, handle one another. They never really touched on this sort of thing on Family Matters or Step by Step.

Anyway, the incestuous sister’s got a date with that wild man bachelor known as Lockjaw!

Lockjaw finds the scent of Herbal Essence hard to resist.

Yes, the eternally wet, red head, incestuous sister is pulling a double header tonight and is now bound, gagged, and ordered to fuck a giant gator man. So, bestiality is now entering the equation in “Creature. But, see, she can only bump uglies with Lockjaw once her feet are hacked off. …the Hell? If someone could explain to me why in the word that is necessary I would greatly appreciate it. I don’t know why in the world they felt the need to make the plot of this thing so damn convoluted and jam as many rules  and oddly out of place plot twists as they could when none of it really goes anywhere.

It’s such a basic story. You have a Gator Man looking for love. A pack of attractive twenty-somethings, three of which possess the proper genitals, wonder into his home turf. The movie practically writes itself and would have been a riot if they had kept it simple, fast paced and FUN! Whoever wrote this thing just bogs the movie down with weird side tracks and sub plots and meaningless stretches of dialog that aren’t funny, don’t mean anything within the context of the movie and advance nothing. It’s as if they were struggling to make this thing feature length and just didn’t know what to do. The movie’s run time is 93 minutes but it feels like it goes on for over two hours as scenes drag into nothing over and over again with neither a payoff or anything that enhances the story.

Daphne and Velma share a tender moment on their latest kooky caper!

HOWEVER! The film does feature a ton of nudity! Three gratuitously displayed pairs of lovely lady breasts and even some in your face full frontal female flesh(Breasts, Buns AND BUSH! Booger would be pleased.) for the audience to ogle in the very opening of the film. This poor, totally naked woman has no lines, is completely nude and is killed and out of the movie in about 5 minutes time. I guess it’s a bad idea to go skinny dipping in a gator/rapey flesh eating Hell beast infested swamp. I am looking forward to her next project because in these 5 minutes Jennifer Lynn Warren won my heart and is one of the most memorable elements of the movie. Being naked as a jay bird certainly didn’t hurt…

The gore is a little lacking. I was expecting a bit more in a film about Lockjaw the Gator Boy who leaves a little to be desired as well.  The creature effects are great and all but I couldn’t help but notice how the monster looks almost identical to the Koopa’s from the live action Super Mario Brothers movie. Yet, the fellow inside this creature suit does a great job bringing it to life and making the most of it. He possess, stalks and attacks like a pro. Sadly, we are never treated to a Lockjaw sex scene. SEE! Now that would have been entertaining! And we do get undeniable proof that such a scenario did occur at some point in the movie, but for whatever reason, we aren’t treated to that moment of pure animal-man on woman horror. Eh, maybe in the direct to video sequel starring Bill Moseley? Only time will tell.

"I Shouldn't Be Alive" New Season Begins This Fall

And they never did explain the regenerative properties of the swamp itself that a man could get shot square in the knee with a rifle then run on that leg for the next thirty minutes of the movie and not even limp. Well, maybe it’s just because he’s a marine? Either way, this might be my favorite unintentionally funny aspect of the film. How much the lead character gets shot, stabbed, and repeatedly crushed and beaten mercilessly by Lockjaw. Including one excruciatingly long slow motion sequence towards the end of the film where Lockjaw repeatedly pounds full force on the character’s sternum and ribs, and then, seconds after the attack, the character can simply get up and walk it off.  I always thoroughly enjoy that sort of stupid shit in trashy films. There’s also a pretty hysterical spider attack sequence where a guy gets pounced by tarantulas and then treats the bites with…bottled water?

I just wish there had been more of that fun, dumb, stuff to tide me over in between scenes of nonsensical redneck banter, jewelry gifting, potato chip scavenging,  and boyfriends getting upset because his girlfriend is getting naked in a tent and making out with another sexy woman looking to get a threesome going. Who ARE these people?

“Creature” has a whole lot of promise and I was eager to take the trip it so obviously wanted to deliver. But somewhere along the way it seems the whole thing got lost, forgot where it left it’s fun, Drive-In, B-Movie spirit and left us imagining all the awesomeness that could have been. “Creature’s” heart is in the right place and the filmmakers obviously have an affection for Trash Cinema. I mean, it was director Fred Andrews first time at bat, so I will cut him some slack. I just hope that the next film he delivers is a bit more streamlined and heavier on the sick, demented fun.

As Joe Bob might say, there’s just too much dang plot getting in the way of the story!

Stay Trashy!

-Root

And, yes, that’s Eggs from the second season of True Blood.




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