Posts Tagged ‘Spanish

19
Oct
16

Who Can Kill a Child? (1976)

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Uncle Grumpyfuk remembers
… Surprise! Ha-ha, yes my scaly compares Uncle Grumpyfuk is back, just released today at 12:00 noon! Heh, “We’ll be seeing you back here in no time!” said the head Doc, ha! (I’ve already managed to slip out of the ankle bracelet and attach it to one of my neighbor’s piglets!) Sew-eee!!!
  Speaking of piglets, waiting for me amongst the unopened piles of Publishers Clearing House entry forms and moldy food porn dvds I found a gem from the beautiful country of Spain, a little kiddie film entitled “Who Can Kill a Child?” Great title eh? Sid and Marty Croft eat your hearts out. Yes this is one of the films from yer uncle’s childhood that gave me a fright and now seems as comical and wholesome as ‘The Waltons Scarlet Fever Thanksgiving Special” – remember when Maw caught Jason fingering Cora Beth? Oooh baby to sniff those fing… anyway… childhood memories eh?
  This film opens with a cheerful collection of hysterical… er, historical clips of dead and tortured children from Germany, Jews, Asians – it’s an even mix- being dragged around and buried in mass graves and stuff, it’s called ‘setting a tone’. Well done.
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  Ok, it begins with a young married couple, wifey is 6 months preggerooski, on vacation in a cool little coastal Spanish town, festival going on, very loud,  so they plan to continue out to a nearby island for some quiet relaxation and anal exploration, heh, rhymes…  So, they kill 10 minutes of film time bumbling around, finally find a boat rental and head for the island.  As..oh, yeah, as they were enjoying the beach before departing, two murdered corpses floated ashore from the direction of the island, forgot about that, no biggie.
   As they arrive they tie up and ask a silent smiling boy who sits fishing what he’s using for bait, he prevents them from seeing with a frown. Heh, heh.
 They quickly notice the town seems deserted other than a few children and a bunch of corpses all over the place that they keep missing, the couple assumes everyone is at festival, so they loot a bar and grocery store (hell yeah!) where the camera pans over a dead chick on the floor in an aisle that hubby misses. While he’s looting wifey is slacking in the bar when in walks a smiling silent young girl who feels and gropes the baby in wifey’s tummy, then splits. Hubby returns and they see an old man down the street, as they watch , who shows up around the corner but the little girl from “Demon Witch Child”, oh boy, ‘something wicked this way comes’! 😉  She promptly grabs the old geezer’s cane and starts wailing away on his bean! Hubby runs over and grabs the cane, the DWC girl laughs in his stupid face and takes a powder, pretty much keeping in character from her last film… So hubby drags the old dude and tosses his body on some straw, walks around the corner for about 3 seconds, looks back around and the kids have hoisted the codger up by his feet and with sickle in hand use his head as as piñata! Now that’s pretty creative My friends. Hubby hurls, staggers back to wifey and tries to lamely bullshit her, ‘they were playing!’, she doesn’t buy it for a sec.
  They finally get the brilliant idea they should maybe, like leave, duh, but are physically blocked by a large group of children. They jump in a truck and hubby guns it, ready to smush the brats into paste when wife in typical hysterical female mode grabs the steering wheel and crashes the truck – mothers, ugh. So they take refuge in the cop station, grab a machine gun and barricade themselves in a cell/room. The children bust in, find a pistol and send an adorable tyke up into the window space to shoot the oldsters. While they try to break the door down he climbs up and aims it at wifey’s noggin, but they hear him draw the hammer and hubby raises the machine gun and answers the movie title question with the answer, ‘Me.’ and blows the tykes adorable brains out! Yeah!
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 They chill for a while when wifey starts screaming that the baby is tearing her insides out and remembers the girl fondling her stomach, passing on the curse. She keels over in record time leaving hubby alone, crying and pissed. So, he takes the machine gun and walks up to the smiling wall of children blocking his path, smiles back and mows down about 20 of them! Yeah, we’ve all wanted to, don’t deny it,. He tears through them, hot foots it down to the boat but takes 5 minutes to untie the line instead of just cutting it so the kids catch up. They start to attack, he picks up an oar and makes like Jackie Chan, slamming the little punks left and right, their painful screams ringing out like the melodic tinkling of wind chimes, but they start to get at him with some knives, then here come McHale’s Navy, or Fernando’s Navy I guess, over the horizon. The El Capitan spots hubby going to town on the brats so he blows hubby’s brains out, ah well.
 As the officers come ashore the kids cry and carry on until the men leave their boat, then El Capitan turns to see the kids unloading rifles from the boat as a smiling young boy turns aims and fires. Yeah, way to go kids, stick it to the Man!
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 The children commandeer their boat and some head back to the mainland. A girl asks a boy, “Will they teach the children there to play too?” .  “Yes,” replies the boy with a smile, “there are lots of children in the world, lots of them.” Now that is a happy ending.
  So remember to tuck your little ones in nice and tight my friends, and lock the door, just in case they played with some strange kids today. 😉
30
Mar
14

Pieces (1982) Bastards and Bloodshed

Pieces

a Primal Root written review

Slasher films were a dime a dozen back in the 1980’s. Once “Friday the 13th” dethroned “The Empire Strikes Back” of it’s number one slot at the box office and proved just how ludicrously profitable this low budget sub-genre that had once been relegated to Grindhouses and Drive-In’s could be,  big studios suddenly hopped on the bandwagon draining every last drop they could out of the fad before leaving the lifeless, dried up corpse of slasher cinema to rot and fester. Yes, it was a glorious time filled with blood, breasts, beasts and masked madmen. Every weekend brought the promise of a new holiday themed slasher film, a new ensemble cast of lovely young people too stupid to stay out of the woods, or the mines, or the haunted house. We hollered our wise advice at the silver screen week after week but to no avail, and we wanted it that way! Boyfriends getting their heads crushed and tossed through windows during the final chase, young actresses we rarely ever heard from again got their quick fifteen minutes of fame as they whipped out they bouncing sweater puppies only to have their throats slit and their sticky, Kayro syrup blood sprayed all over their ample young bosoms. My God, it was a glorious time to be alive.

Of course, I was only 8 when the by the time the 1990’s ushered in the end of that glorious era of the 1980’s. A new cycle of horror began and many pop culture critics considered horror dead which was pretty goddamn stupid of them seeing as “The Silence of the Lambs” swept the Oscars in 1991 and that fuckers one Hell of a horror movie. But it was true in terms of the slasher genre. The well had run dry for the time being and, like long suffering Momma’s Boy Jason Voorhees, went to rest for a while until some new blood could get pumped into the proceedings.  THANKFULLY, at this time in my life there was a plethora of these establishments called “Video Rental Stores” where you (or your parents) could get a membership and you would have an entire collection of movies on VHS right at your finger tips! This, Gang, was where my horror education began.

As a kid I spent countless hours with my butt planted in the Horror aisles picking up every case there, admiring the artwork and reading the descriptions. I was particularly fascinated with the “Friday the 13th” franchise and “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” flicks. But one tape at Turtle’s Video always caught my eye. On the front it featured the stitched together corpse of an attractive young blonde with a chainsaw perched over her. “YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO TO TEXAS FOR A CHAINSAW MASSACRE!” it boldly proclaimed. I was sold.  It would be several years before I was able to convince my Mom to rent it for me, but once she did and I popped that sucker in my VCR my life was changed forever.

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The movie was the 1982 Spanish splatter flick “Pieces” and it was everything I could have ever possibly hoped it would be.  A goofy Who-Done-It plot set on a college campus, incredible over the top performances, unintentionally hilarious dialogue,  gallons of fake blood and chainsaw dismemberment, impromptu karate instructor attacks, a plethora of nude women including full frontal and a bit of wiener for the ladies, and one of the greatest, strangest, mind blowing jump scare endings I had ever witnessed.  My little preteen mind was rocked. When the tape finished I immediately hit rewind and watched that sucker again.

 

“Pieces” begins in 1942 where we witness a young boy piecing together a puzzle in his playroom. When his Mother discovers that the puzzle is of a naked woman she goes ballistic, calling the young boy’s absentee  Father a filthy, perverted, degenerate and that she’s going to search all through the house and burn everything that features female nudity. She even strikes her son and repeatedly calls him stupid as she slips further into her suitable for Lifetime Television hysterics. But her young son is having none of it,  when she has her back turned he grabs an axe that’s bigger than he is and surprises her with several well placed chops to the noggin’.  Soon after the murder of his mother the boy grabs a hacksaw and goes to town pulling his dead Mom apart. Yes, the boy finishes his puzzle by the time the police barge in and are side stepping meaty chunks and pools of coagulated lady blood  He cries, blames a “big man, big man” and everyone buys his story hook line and sinker. It’s a nasty. bloody, and darkly comical note to begin “Pieces” on, and it only gets better from there.

Pieces - Boy Saw

Present Day 1982 and we’re on a college campus when women start falling prey to a chainsaw killer. A girl gets decapitated while she is out in the park reading, another young woman gets quartered by the swimming pool, and so on… but this shadowy figure dressed in black doesn’t just kill his victims, he collects body parts.  We discover early on that whoever is doing the killings is, in fact, the same little boy who killed his mother all those years ago and is sawing a trail of blood drenched terror through this college campus as he begins putting together a new puzzle.

There’s a rouges gallery of suspects which includes the creepy, shifty eyed caretaker Willard (Paul L. Smith, Bluto from 1980’s Popeye) a quiet, odd duck anatomy teacher, Professor Brown (Jack Taylor) the uptight Dean (Edmund Purdom) and even the dorkish campus stud, Kendal (Ian Sera) who every woman on campus wants to bang for no readily apparent reason. Well, perhaps it was that lovely singing voice displayed in “Pod People?” Ah, who am I kidding, it STINKS! The suspect pool always seems to be hanging around nearby whenever a murder occurs and never fail to act sketchy as Hell no matter what’s going down.

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Two detectives are put on the case, the good natured detectives, Ly. Bracken (Christopher George) and hard case Sgt. Holden (Frank Brana), and they’re both equally clueless. One of my favorite moments with these two is during their investigation of the poolside murder and mutilation of a young college girl. She’s been sawed into a pile of about 6 or 7 hunks of flesh and a bloody chainsaw is laying on the floor next to this tall pile of woman. Lt. Bracken asks Proffessor Brown if he believes the chainsaw might be the murder weapon, to which Prof. Brown replies, after a close examination of the chainsaw, that yes, even a layman can see that this was the murder weapon. Damn fine police work, Bracken!

But these two have a secret weapon! They put two of their very best into action as undercover agents. Tennis Pro and party time law enforcement official, Mary Riggs and possible suspect Kendal, who spends most of the investigation either fucking coeds, trying to get into Mary’s pants or showing up too late to prevent murders or apprehend the suspect. I understand, he’s just a college guy, but the man’s kind of an idiot. Hell, ALL the good guys in this thing are idiots. It’s hard to root for these folks when they’re all so grossly incompetent at what they do for a living! It’s uncanny how they always seem to show up about thirty seconds too late to save the chainsaw killer’s nubile young victim. But it’s never to late to repeatedly scream “BASTARD!” at the top of your lungs.  Well, despite the fact that they all suck, they are at least fun to watch bumble their way through one of the most brutal crime sprees ever to take place on a fictional college campus.

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After the climactic final murder that takes place in a  women’s locker room, and yes, you get to view the boner trifecta (Boobs, Bush, buns) where a woman is chased topless by our chainsaw toting lunatic into a bathroom stall where she pisses her pants in closeup as he chainsaws his way in to seal her doom, Kendal and Sgt. Holden get some Wendy’s take out and start going through a bunch of files hoping they just might come across something, and oh boy, do they ever! Kendal ends up cracking the case and figuring out who the killer is, but will he and his detective pals get there in time to save the lovely Mary Riggs? And why in the fuck is Kendal allowed to join the two detectives as they kick down to door into a suspected serial killer’s abode? sure, some idiotic, unarmed, college kid wants to come and hang out in this possibly deadly situation? Yeah, sure! Why not.  Trust me, Kendal pays the price for being a dipshit.

Once the killer is revealed and meets his end “Pieces” drops two of the coolest, meanest, most disturbing shock endings on it’s unsuspecting audience. I am really struggling not to tell you what happens, as it’s one of those ingredients that really clenches “Pieces” as one of my all time favorite slasher flicks. You’ve really got to see it to believe it. All I can say is, Kendal’s stud days are over.

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I cannot express my love enough for this deeply trashy slice of early 80’s exploitation sleaze.  “Pieces” is one of those rare cases where every weakness it has manages to bolster the film up and make it watchable.  This movie should be a failure,  the last thing it should be is entertaining. But despite all it’s flaws it still manages to keep me entertained from beginning to end with it’s total lack of class, it’s crassness and it’s heart warming lack of politcal correctness. Also, all that nudity sure helps the trash go down smoothly, too.  It’s like a Friday the 13th sequel on steroids.  It’s simple, it’s mindless, it’s filthy and it’s the perfect serving a of junk when you need that Trash Cinema pick me up.

I give “Pieces” FIVE out of FIVE Dumpster Nuggets! Classic Trash Cinema!

Stay Trashy!

-Root

 

31
Dec
12

Rotten Reviews Episode 27: Home Sweet Home

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Hey Gang!

It’s your old pal, The Primal Root, and to celebrate the holiday season I’ve decided to throw a Trashmas New Year’s Bash over at my pad and everyone is invited! That includes YOU! But beforehand we’re checking out an all time favorite Trash Cinema Slasher film  from 1981 called ‘Home Sweet Home’. It’s supposedly a holiday themed horror movie, but a turkey dinner does not a holiday make, gang. In fact no one even mentions what holiday it is! From what I understand I think it’s supposed to be Thanksgiving?

I digress, get prepared for feral children, satanic electric guitar playing magical Jewish mimes, Body by Jake, body builder body glaze, sex with your pants on, spanish racial sterotypes, bribing cops with “bazooms”, roid rage, flattened grannies,  disapearing balls, hostage negotiations, the missing peas and so much more! It’s The Primal Root’s Rotten Reviews Episode 27: Home Sweet Home! Gather round and share it with those you love.

Thank you for all your support and for spreading the word! See you in 2013!

Stay Trashy!

-Root

 

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