Posts Tagged ‘raunchy

02
Jun
18

(NSFW) Recruits (1986): Tittyzens on Patrol

 

recruits

a Primal Root review

“Break and enter, gross indecency, attempted murder, sexual assault with intent to rape… Do you think they’ll keep me in jail for this?” – Howie Gluckstein, introducing himself in Recruits (1986)

The Police Academy films were a staple of my childhood. The plethora of sequels to this unfathomably long running Steve Guttenberg franchise were constantly being played on HBO and I remember being in the single digits and begging my Mom to rent any sequel to the series. Was I, even at that young age, a fan of seeing figures of authority portrayed as buffoons? I doubt it was anything like that, I’m pretty sure it was just the stupid slapstick humor and vibrant, unabashed perverse sense of humor. Hell, it was the franchise that introduced to me the concept of the leather clad gay biker bar YEARS before Nightmare on Elm Street part 2: Freddy’s Revenge had a chance to.  But, I digress…

Now, going back and watching these movies, I have no idea what exactly the appeal was of that very first Police Academy film. Sure, it had some great comedic talent, but for the most part, I feel a lot of it was wasted and it just wasn’t that impressively funny, let alone, six sequels and a seventh Mission to Moscow funny.

Which brings me to Recruits from 1986, the first in a series of one Canadian made Police Academy knock-offs that, to my own amazement, beats Police Academy at it’s own game and delivers. Sure, there were at least a half dozen imitators that followed in Police Academy’s wake like, Feds, Night Patrol, Off Beat, Moving Violations, etc. But few did it with a down and dirty purity like the highly perverted and sleaze saturated Recruits.

The basic story is as follows: Sgt. Hardbutt has two weeks to recruit a civilian team to protect the Governor who is coming to town, but they must be so inept, he can pull off an assassination of the Governor in order to promote the Mayor and then replace the position as Mayor Hardbutt. So, he plunders the darkest corners of his prison to recruit about a dozen perverts, sex workers, drunkards, and violent offenders in order to assemble his team of misfits who he then has his Master Sgt. Stonewall actually train like their in a military academy for those two weeks to the point they are actually kind of okay cops by the end.

recruits fellas

We are introduced to this group of characters as they fall prey to their own corrupt and immoral behavior before getting arrested, all of which typically involved exposed female breasts, which becomes apparent real quick, to be the bread and butter of this film. Our main character and Chris Pratt prototype, Mike Budowsky (Doug Annear) is arrested while dressed as a lobster and banging the Mayor’s daughter Lobster style at a fundraising event for her father. Winston and Steve stalk the beach and have an elaborate scam to sexually assault women that involves a hazmat suit and saying they need women to remove their bikinis so they can check them for signs of radiation, which the women eventually smile and do happily once they realize these men are just trying to assault them, tops to the sand, boobs a plenty. And of course, Howie, the four eyed yacht cleaner by trade, who slips and falls into the cuddy cabin of a boat he happens to be cleaning and face first into a smiling naked woman’s bare breasts, who is all about it, until her muscle head boyfriend busts in the room and has him arrested for attempted rape, sexual assault, gross indecency and…attempted murder?

Starting to get the picture?

There’s scene after scene with hardly any connective tissue at all. Here’s some examples. Scene: Female recruit mock arrests our main character and tells him to unpack the “gun” from his pants, of course, they whip out their low back throbber and every one marvels at the size of his appendage which, of course, is kept totally off screen. CUT! Next Scene:  The Recruits are handed guns with live rounds and no training and are expected to hit targets, of course, they end up firing bullets into police headquarters and right through the Sergeants coffee mug. CUT! Next Scene: Howie is caught LITERALLY cleaning his gun while in bed, but German seductress Sgt. Schicklgruber (Colleen Passard) assumes he’s beating off, strips down to her elaborate display of underwear, before grabbing his weapon and it fires into the ceiling leaving the two in awkward, stunned silence. CUT! Next scene: Two guys end up in bed together under false pretenses thinking they’re with women, exchange a passionate kiss and then spend two minutes of screen time screaming at one another and spitting on the ground. CUT! Next Scene: Add an absolutely adorable motorcycle training sequence where Jon Mikl Thor of Zombie Nightmare fame, as Thunderhead does some rather lackluster, but supposedly mind blowing stunts, the old, drunk geezer recruit continually falls of his motorcycle and the Mayor’s daughter keeps her bike in place, but grinds her lady bits into the seat as the motor roars and she groans in ecstasy.

Recruits cover

And this bizarre form of comedic story telling, honestly, works in the films favor. You don’t care about the characters at all, but it’s all so goddamn stupid and poorly executed that it works in spite of itself. It’s like a really dumb dog trying to catch a frisbee. It wants to, and it’s trying really hard, but the frisbee keeps hitting the poor, drooling, stupidly happy dog in the face who just keeps smiling like an idiot with it’s tongue dangling out. It’s adorable and you can’t help but love it for all it’s simple minded flaws.

Now, of course, in the year 2018 just about ALL of these jokes have not aged well. Most assuredly the majority of the jokes revolve around women being either totally butt nekkid or topless due to someone ripping off their blouse accidentally…or what seems to be totally on purpose. Let me tell you, I have seen plenty of Trashy movies in my day, and I can with all honesty say, I have NEVER in my viewing experiences EVER seen this many pairs of bare female breasts in one movie. If a woman shows up on screen, chances are you are going to see her tits. Sure, the first five minutes you see about three pairs of tits and it gets an awkward chuckle, “This is funny?” But by the twenty minute mark, what becomes hilarious, is seeing to what lengths the filmmakers will go to justify the gag of a woman having her breasts exposed for the camera. It ludicrous and astoundingly perverted, but seeing a film so tit happy is kind of remarkable. I guess boobs were much funnier in the 1980’s than they are today. Seems like wieners have taken over as the comic relief piece of the human anatomy in the new millennium. Which is fine, but man, do I miss all those boobs…

Another repeated gag that has aged pretty poorly, is the gag attributed to a recruit named Clint. Clint is a character who’s hilarious characteristic is how gun happy he is. He shoots at everyone. Jay walkers, tiny children going faster than him on their big wheels, etc. This day and age, I don’t think anyone is laughing at trigger happy policemen and is a joke that would never be made nowadays, unless it’s Sandra Bullock shooting off a man’s genitals. It lent itself to some uncomfortable laughs and knowing “holy shit” looks exchanged between Bootsie Kidd and I, but this would not even make it onto the page these days.

There’s even a strange racially charged scene where an African Canadian recruit, Winston, goes into a country western bar, trying to emulate Eddie Murphy’s character from 48 Hours (his own words). Winston, once intimidated by the racist white trash rednecks that inhabit the place after he orders a black russian, states that he is a cop. When this tactic fails, Winston claims he has multiple personality disorder, then gets the shit kicked out of him and thrown out of the bar. He later rectifies this situation with a leopard he brings into the western bar at the end of the film to maul the rednecks to death. It’s a very awkward character arc with very little comedic delivery, but it pays off in all kinds of awkward.

All these half hazardly strewn together scenes and story arcs lead to the attempted assassination of The Governor via civial war cannon… because Sgt. Hardbutt wants a “big bang.” The Governor is driven to town by two naked recruits he interrupted while they were fucking, he has the top to the convertible dropped down to he and his wife can wave to their supporters, and all Hell breaks loose! The cannon misses, obliterates the stage, the crowd erupts into a riot, the nekkid recruits literally scream “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” Before running for their lives wearing nothing but their police issued hats, boobs bouncing, and Howie crashes his motorcycle into the back of The Governor’s car, does a back flip of the trunk, grab’s the Governor’s wife’s blouse and rips it off (of course) exposing her huge breasts for the world to see. THE ARISTOCRATS!

As you might imagine, the recruits are fired, but not before, for some reason, the mayor hires them all back because the rest of the police for quits or goes on strike or something. For whatever reason, the city is experiencing riots and looting and the only people who can put an end to it are The Recruits! They suit up and go to work using their highly illegal methods, my favorite is the use of teenage baton twirlers to savagely crush the testicles of a half dozen rednecks looting a farmer’s market, to crack down on the epidemic of crime. Paul Verhoven would later use this plot point to greater effect in 1987’s ROBOCOP.

Will the recruits prove that Sgt. Hardbutt and Master Sgt. Stonewall are the culprits behind the assassination attempt of The Governor? Will they be reinstated as actual police officers so they won’t have to go back to their low paying lives as sexual assaulters? And, most importantly, how many more bare female breasts can we cram into the run time of this fucking movie? I can answer that one for you, AS MANY AS POSSIBLE!

Recruits shouldn’t work. Especially over twenty years later.Recruits is unrelentingly dumb. An artifact from the past filled with politically incorrect humor, unabashed perversion, and the most gratuitous movie I’ve ever seen in a genre picture of this ilk in my entire life in Trash Cinema. Mix all these ingredients together, and you have aGrade A slice of beautifully realized Trash Cinema Comedy Gold well worth the revisit.

I’m awarding Recruits FOUR out of FIVE Dumpster Nuggets.

Available to rent on glorious VHS at Tallahassee’s Own Cap City Video Lounge! Or watch it on youtube in it’s uncensored entirety.

Stay Trashy!

-Root

 

19
Mar
13

Maiden Detroit: Devil Girl of the Month, March 2013

Hey Gang, it’s your pal The Primal Root and I am honored to introduce our Devil Girl of the Month, the beautiful, enigmatic,  Maiden Detroit! Maiden has recently become acquainted with The Trash Cinema Collective so we figured  we’d pummel her with some random questions so we can get to know a bit more about her.  So, please, feast your eyes on Maiden Detroit’s creepy, sexy,  gorgeous,  March Devil Girl spread and be sure to give her a warm welcome to The Collective! Stay Trashy! -Root

The Primal Root:  Maiden, tell us a little bit about yourself. your background, your interests. What the Hell have you been up to lately?

Maiden Detroit: I moved to Tallahassee about 5 years ago from my home, Detroit Michigan. I miss it. But I persevere. Home made me the woman I am today. Strong, tough, dependable, reliable, lovable, me.

TPR: What was the inspiration for your Devil Girl shoot?

MD: I have always been intrigued by death and her mysteries, I’ve been romping around graveyards for so long, out of respect for the unknown. There is something to be said for the unknown.

TPR: Tell us a story! Some kind of bizarre story, an unusual experience you can share with us.

MD: I don’t have many stories; which is unfortunate because I have all the stories. I just don’t kiss and tell.

TPR:  As you well know, we have a passion for movies the majority of film goers consider nonredeemable filth that no rational human being should ever watch. We call it Trash Cinema. What are some of your favorites?

I love all cinema. Movies are a prefect form of escapism. Whether you are sad or happy or looking for a raunchy good time. I take it all in and rejoice in the art. Because without art life does not exist.

Photography by Darla Winn : http://www.flickr.com/photos/zoogal3/

Hair & Makeup by Laura Henry: http://www.facebook.com/HairDesignerLaura

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30
Mar
10

Friends, Family, Chaos and Magic Squirrels : The Hot Tub Time Machine


a review by The Primal Root

Wow, did I just completely throw away my youth? I mean, I had fun and everything…but what about all the shitty decisions I made? The friend I screwed over? The one that got away? All the times I took the easy way out…and how would my life be now if I had the opportunity to do it all over? These are the questions asked of us and our main characters in the straight forwardly titled and beautifully executed film, Hot Tub Time Machine, a midlife crisis movie teaming with raunchy laughs, 80’s nostalgia, amputations and a surprising amount of heart.

Our story begins with Nick (Craig Robinson) digging his fingers into a dog’s sphincter to diagnose a butt itching problem at the posh animal spa he’s employed at. We are then introduced to Adam (John Cusack) who’s girlfriend just ditched him and is living a soulless, self centered existence despite having found wealth in his professional life. Also living with Adam is his nephew, Jacob ( Clark Duke) who spends his days playing Second Life in Adam’s basement but is otherwise aimless. But the ultimate screw up in our band of heroes is Lou (Rob Corddry, finally finding a role he can sink his teeth into) who is hospitalized after nearly asphyxiating himself in his garage while sitting in his running car and singing along to Motley Crue’s Home Sweet Home.

Upon hearing the news Adam and Nick arrive at the hospital to check on their old friend. The doctors are afraid it might have been a suicide attempt, although Lou adamantly denis it, and recommend that the old friends spend the weekend together in order to keep an eye on Lou to make sure he’s okay.

Our three friends bring along Jacob and head out to their old stomping ground a once prosperous ski resort town. Once they arrive in the hotel where they lived some of the greatest moments of their youths, the immediately realize the place stands a a metaphor for their lives, it’s run down, smelly, tired old wreck. They check into their suite where the commence a sad sausage fest game of quarters…in the face of such desperation the four stumble upon the impressive hot tub on their back porch. A hot tub time machine…

Male Bonding in the Hot Tub Time Machine

After a drunken night of male bonding our guys wake up in 1986. The exact year when Adam, Lou and Nick vacationed there and made decisions that would shape all their lives forever. And Jacob? Well, he didn’t yet exist…but that existence plays a crucial role here.

It's the 80's! Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!

Hot Tub Time Machine isn’t the kind of film you pay to see expected anything besides vomit jokes, possibly some boobs, and good amount of belly laughs. I can report back that Hot Tub Time Machine delivers all of these and more in spades. But what I Wasn’t expecting was the amount of emotional weight the film managed to pack in amongst all the stabbings and awkward threesomes. The film is obvious wish fulfillment for all of us whose young and stupid years are slowly becoming prologue to a life that might not be exactly what we had in mind and our constant meditation is, “What could I have done differently?” It’s a bitter sweet theme dipped in pathos and capturing that often saddening thought that maybe our best years are behind us and just maybe we wasted them.

Mammoaries of a wasted youth.

Through the portal of the Hot Tub Time Machine Adam is given a second chance with the one that got away after she stabbed him the eye with a fork, Nick has another shot at his music career that went bust after a performance at a bar at the ski resort, and Lou gets the opportunity to stand up to some ski instructors that kicked the shit out of him when his friends didn’t show up for the fight. While Jacob must get the Hot Tub time Machine up and running again so they can make their way home…if he can track down the magical Hot Tub repair man played by Chevy Chase in a bizarre cameo.

Traveling through time in search of his career, Mr. Chevy Chase.

Speaking of cameos, and one that steals the entire show at that, is Crispin Glover who plays an disgruntled amputee bellhop in the present who lost his arm sometime in the winter of 86 when he was a happy-go-lucky bellhop eager to please the guests. His performance is hilarious and goofy in typical Crispin fashion and manages to generate some suspense as our main characters keep running into him in situations that could lead to him losing his appendage. This role could have been the stuff of general shrugs and disinterest in the hands of any other thespian but Crispin makes the role a stand out. Good work, sir.

Our hero, ladies and gentelmen!

Hot Tub Time Machine is nothing profound. It’s a damn good time and an excellent party movie. One that doesn’t get too caught up in all the science talk and ramifications of the time travel equations of which all their knowledge comes from films such as Back to the Future, The Butterfly Effect and The Terminator. They do change their fates and even the outcomes of several events oin 1986. Some deirectly…and some through a magic squirrel… The time travel aspect of the film is just the vehicle to bring us a great piece of trashy comedy about the importance of the relationships in our lives, those of our close friends and our family and these bonds are often more important than we can possibly fathom. The universe is ruled by chaos and we are at it’s mercy. We cannot always control who comes into our lives or what happens to them but we do have a choice in how we treat those we care about.

I’m not going to lie, Hot Tub Time Machine is funny as shit. But damn it if there weren’t a couple moments strewn through the proceedings were I got something in my eye. And I don’t mean jizz or vomit.

your pal.
-The Primal Root

Here's to good times, good friends, and good booze!




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