Posts Tagged ‘October


Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) Samhain’s Darkest Horse


created by Matt Ryan Tobin


“I do love a good joke and this is the best ever, a joke on the children.” – Conal Cochran, Halloween III: Season of the Witch

a Primal Root written review

If you know me int he slightest, it’s not a secret by any means, I am enormous fan and champion of the misfit third entry in the long running Halloween horror franchise began by John Carpenter and Debra Hill way back in 1978 with the original Halloween. The exploits of escaped mental patient Michael Myers aka: The Shape (Nick Castle), his considerably psychotic child therapist, Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasance), and the blossoming young virgin babysitter, Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) came to a close with a fiery explosion at the end of Halloween II. Michael was engulfed in flames that were sure to turn anyone made of flesh and blood to nothing more than a hand full of ash, and CERTAINLY must have killed that goofy nutbag Dr. Loomis who flicked the Bic that blew the explosive gas ward of Haddonfield Memorial Hospital sky high…leaving Laurie Strode alone in an ambulance pondering the terribly contrived and problematic twist that Michael Myers was actually her brother all along, which totally negates the random nature of the horror in the original Halloween and reminds you that if you make sure you know your biological family tree and keep dibs on all the blood thirsty, unkillable maniacs, you can avoid this sort of predicament and spare your friends every Halloween night.

Halloween II would have been a pretty fine conclusion to the story of Haddonfield and it’s brotherly Boogerman, if the original film hadn’t had a far more suitable and deeply unnerving conclusion already, so where was the Halloween franchise to go from it’s 1981 sequel? Would John Carpenter and Debra Hill venture to make another lazy, dull, predictable story about the now totally cremated and burned to smithereens masked madman Michael Myers? Well, if you are familiar with these two remarkably creative, innovative and fearless individuals, you know that this is exactly the road they’re not going to travel. In fact, their decision would go on to become the stuff of legend. The third installment in the Halloween franchise would be a massive departure from the story of Michael Myers and would, instead, tell a brand new, original story based around the holiday of the title, Halloween. It part of an incredibly commercial and brilliant concept of Carpenter and Hill that would make the Halloween franchise a yearly canvas for an infinite number of creative minds and filmmakers to create their own, unique, one off Halloween stories that could birth any number of spinoffs, sequels, remakes, reboots and reimaginings down the road! One paper it sounds like a wonderfully viable and lucrative concept, one that would keep the franchise running strong for decades to come! Debra Hill came up with the basic concept of the story, “witchcraft meets the computer age.” The team contacted Nigel Kneal (writer of the The Quatermass series) who wrote the first draft of the screenplay of what would become Tommy Lee Wallace’s Halloween III: Season of the Witch. 


Our film begins with the creation of a digital jack-o-lantern set the dark, ominous tones of John Carpenter and Alan Howarth’s fantastic score. Long gone is the iconic Halloween theme that immediately puts audiences on edge. Here, the score is menacing, low, and mysterious. The audience accustomed to the simple stalk and slash formula of the previous entries are clued in right off the bat that there is something different at work here. The jack-o-lantern is no longer something physical we’ve all held, touched and carved before. No, this is something alien and untouchable. As the credits conclude, the computer generated grinning jack-o-lantern begins to flash over white as an audible buzzing is heard. It’s strange, off putting and the significance of this is a totally mystery to us… for now.

The story centers on Dr. Challis (legendary cult icon, Tom Atkins), a flawed, damaged gentleman who is not by any stretch of the imagination your typical hero. This guy is divorced with two kids, a womanizer and, from what it would seem, a functional alcoholic.  At every turn the man is sexually harassing his staff (or, I guess it would just be called flirting in the early 1980’s) of knocking back beer or bourbon. Even when visiting his ex-wife she mentions, as his pager goes off to call him to the hospital, “drinking and doctoring: GREAT combination.” She hasn’t witnessed this man drinking, he just showed up smelling like booze. Yeah, this guy is our hero, ladies and gents!


Womanizer. Drunkard. Hero.

Challis arrives at the hospital to care for a man in hysterics who is clutching a popular Silver Shamrock Halloween mask and babbling what seems to be nonsense about “They’re going to kill us! All of us!” Challis sedates the man, puts him in a room, slaps the nurses ass and goes to sleep it off in the doctor’s lounge leaving the poor old guy all alone so minutes later a silent man in a three piece suit can just wonder into his room and dismantle his skull bare handed. When Challis is woken up by the nurses cries over the patients sudden case of collapsed skull, he gives chase, but it’s too late. The silent killer has doused himself in gasoline and blown himself up in his car. Challis looks on with a face that clearly expresses and slightly hungover “What the fuck?” The audience feels his pain.

The murdered man’s daughter, Ellie (the gorgeous Stacey Nelkin) shows up to claim the body and the local authorities try to comfort her by claiming it was just a random psychopath who walked in off the streets and single handidly crunched her father’s head into bloody, flappy chunks. The next day she track Dr. Challis down early in the morning at a local bar and enlists his help to figure out just who wanted her Father dead and why. Dr. Challis, who can never say no to a free booty call, grabs a sixer of Miller High Life, calls his ex-wife to back out of his obligations and heads off the Santa Mira, home of Silver Shamrock Novelties, the town her Father was last seen headed before he became a babbling lunatic with a warrant out for his noggin.


What Dr. Challis and Ellie uncover between swigs of bourbon and all night fuck sessions, is a vast, deadly, evil conspiracy, one that has been conjured up over hundreds of years and will bring the world to it’s knees as horrifically grotesque sacrifice is made. As the mastermind behind this horrifying plan suggests, “The World is going to change tonight.” And if this evil madman’s scheme does pull through, the world will be transformed forever…



Okay, so it turns out the guy who runs Silver Shamrock novelties, Conal Cochran (played with enthusiasm and cheerful menace by the late, great, Dan O’Herlihy) is a druid and a warlock with a massive army of murderous robot people. He also has stolen a block from stonehenge and is chipping off pieces of the missing block to add just a fragment of the stone into the Silver Shamrock Halloween masks along with a small computer chip. What is the importance of all this? Why is Mr. Cochran willing to murder people in order to ensure these masks are made and are the hottest Halloween masks on the market?  What is the deal with the big giveaway happening Halloween night where all the children must watch their TV’s while wearing their Silver Shamrock masks in order to win? Because it’s all part of a grand scale child sacrifice. That’s right, when the big giveaway happens, those wearing the Silver shamrock Halloween masks will be subjected to a blinking jack-o-lantern. This image in conjunction with the piece from stonehenge will end up melting the head of the child wearing  mask and produce copious amounts of roaches, spiders, and venomous snakes.


Yes, this plan is totally fucking bonkers. Evil always works best when it’s bonkers, if you ask me. It;s so bizarre, so downright disturbing and nightmarish, it totally devastated me when I was a kid watching Halloween III: Season of the Witch for the first time. In the typical language of cinema, the kid never dies. Then you see Halloween III: Season of the Witch, you do not only get to witness a little kid get his head melted, but you watch as he, still living, chokes up rattle snakes, roaches and and tarantulas before his horrified parents eyes. I honestly watched the scene much like Dr. Challis does as he watches through a monitor in Cochran’s secret warehouse. You cannot believe what you’re seeing. It;s so dark and weird and macabre and unflinchingly grim…it then dawns on you that in matter of hours this is going to happen everywhere. In every living room all over the world. I know a lot of people bring up that THE BIG GIVEAWAY is at 9pm and that the movie didn’t account for time zones. Ugghh, I am sure the time zones are adjusted and that the filmmakers just didn’t want to make it monotonous by listing ALL THE DIFFERENT TIME ZONES all of the world.  Anyhoo, it’s a nightmare to imagine as kids die a prolonged, agonizing, supernatural death and their poor parents then get attacked by the living, nasty contents of their now melted spawns cranium. I can’t help but imagine what this little practical joke will do to the economic thrust of the holiday season. Shit. Little Buddy’s head is gone, I guess we can return that Atari to Toys R’ Us…


Also, I must address the Ellie controversy. A lot of people wonder if she was  robot all along or not. My theory is that Ellie was a real, flesh and blood human being through the whole movie until she is captured by Cochran and used to lure Dr. Challis to the Silver Shamrock Factory. Cochran had a crude robot duplicate of her made, Dr. Challis rescues that robot,and Ellie is left to burn alive in the Silver Shamrock explosion. Yeah, my theory is dark, bleak and assumes the female lead suffers a brutal death by burning all alone in the bowels of mad toy maker’s factory, but to me that is the appeal of Halloween III: Season of the Witch. Our hero is inept, saves no one, including his own children and the world witnesses the absolute terror that Conal Cochran has unleashed upon the world. The film ends with Tom Atkins, Dr. Challis, screaming into the phone as the Silver shamrock jack-o-lantern flashes on the screen, “STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IIIIIIIITTTT!” And the credits roll. He doesn’t win. We are left to imagine the outcome of this gruesome terrorist attack. To this day, the ending of Halloween III: Season of the Witch sends chills down my spine. If you think about it, that ending could symbolize the corporate take over of America. Our youth poisoned by what they are fed day in and day out through all forms of media until their heads rot and the same nasty, mean, venomous shit comes pouring from their mouths. Fuck…could Atkins have been trying to warn us all long? Did the evil that occurred at the end of Halloween III: Season of the Witch already occur? I take a glimpse from time to time and see what comes spewing into my living room through cable television and it’s not hard to imagine that the kind of televised consumer apocalypse may have already happened.



Halloween III: Season of the Witch is a the underdog of the entire franchise. History speaks for itself. The movie bombed horribly due to the fact it was critically panned and the fans wanted more of the same, which they got a few years later in the hideously underwhelming Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers, which I do enjoy, it’s just a really, really, cheap, poorly shot, and not very entertaining or inspired movie.

To be be perfectly honest, I couldn’t stand Halloween III: Season of the Witch when I first saw it as a child. It was too dark, too mean and there was no Michael Myers!I was right there with the folks who were disappointed in the lack of familiar elements.  However, time has been very kind to Halloween III: Season of the Witch, it has grown into a sort of cult favorite among horror movie aficionados. After watching the same Michael Myers bullshit over and over and over I began to go back to Halloween III: Season of the Witch just to remind myself why I didn’t like it. Just like many of my horror brethren, I think many of us found what we initially presumed to be the film’s weaknesses to actually be this movie’s greatest strengths. Folks like myself who revel in the third installments stand alone story, bizarre gore effects, disturbing mystery, incredible fresh and creepy score, nightmarish concepts and and damn fine performances. It’s the last of the high quality, well shot and intriguing Halloween films and possibly my favorite of the entire series, including John Carpenter’s original, which I have tremendous respect for…but Halloween III: Season of the Witch is such a one of kind masterpiece of the macabre, I look forward to watching it every single Halloween season. Don’t get me wrong, I love Michael Myers and the original Halloween just fine, but like I said earlier, I always like my evil to be a bit more fucking bonkers side of things.


created by Cavity Colors

Every October I watch as people create more and more original art based on Halloween III: Season of the Witch as it’s cult status and admiration grows. I’m not going to lie, it brings a salty tear to this Trash Cinema fans eye every year as I watch what was once the laughing stock and whipping boy of the Halloween franchise become more and more the stand out and most beguiling dark corner of the whole series.

I award Halloween III: Season of the Witch 5 out of 5 Dumpster Nuggets.




Little Monsters & The Return of the Living Dead: A Trash Cinema Collective Double Feature!

little monstersReturn


WHO: The Trash Cinema Collective‘s The Primal Root
WHAT: DOUBLE FEATURE! Little Monsters (1989) and The Return of the Living Dead (1985)
WHEN: Saturday, October 4th starting at 9pm
WHERE: Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack
WHY: Because it’s October, we’re getting in the Halloween spirit, we’re keeping Tallahassee Trashy, and because we love you.

As Always, NO COVER!

Hey Gang, The Primal Root here, and I am thrilled to be hosting a Trashy Halloween inspired double bill featuring two of my all time favorites! We’ll be starting the evening off with the Fred Savage, Howie Mandel children’s coming of age whimsical horror comedy from 1989, “Little Monsters” and following it up with the nihilistic, hysterical, punk rock brain muncher, 1985’s “The Return of the Living Dead!”

It will be a night of unadulterated ghoulishly Trashy pleasures as we take a trip down memory lane with two horror classics just in time for Halloween Season!

So, come on out and join your friends from The Trash Cinema Collective at Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack Saturday October 4th, grab a pitcher of your favorite ice cold beer, chow down on a juicy, beautiful burger and brace yourself for Monsters! Reanimated corpses! Chemical spills! Pee drinking! Cat food scarfing! Lawn Dart Throwing! Nekkid Tombstone Dancing! Rabid Weasels! Subtle Nazi references! Prosthetic female crotches (referred to by actress Linnea Quigley as “The Plug” *shudders*)! And plenty of nasty delights, perfect for for kicking off Halloween 2014!

See you there!

Stay Trashy!


Bootsie Kidd: Halloween Devil Girl of the Month, October 2012 with special guest The Primal Root

Hey Gang! Your old pal The Primal Root here and I am smitten. Ms. Bootsie Kidd, our October Devil Girl of the Month (2012) has come along and captured the trashy heart of yours truly. In Bootsie’s Halloween spread she has brought to life an updated rockabilly/video store nerd version of  one of our shared passions, Universal’s classic monster flick, James Whale’s 1935 masterpiece, The Bride of Frankenstein.  As some of you might know, I’m quite bit enamored with this Ms. Bootsie Kidd, but I don’t think I am being partial when I say her incredibly spooky, sexy, and assertive take on Frankenstein’s Bride (Elsa, as we like to call her for obvious reasons)  brings a cool new dimension to the iconic character. She has surely brought The primal Root back to life, and I have a feeling she’ll jump start your heart as well. Friend. Good. Indeed! 

Stay Trashy and Happy Halloween! 


Photography by John Kogwheal

Makeup by Laura Henry & Joe Fisher

Hair by Laura Henry


Halloween Rotten Review! Ep.22: Rocktober Blood (NSFW)

Hey Gang,

The Primal Root here, and man, I just can’t get into the Halloween spirit this year! It just feels as if I’ve seen every Halloween themed horror movie out there a million times! Just sitting here at Video 21 waiting to close down for the night, contemplating going Trick or Treating, when some last minute customers barge in and all of a sudden I find myself face to face with just piece of Trash Cinema I had been hoping for: Rocktober Blood.

Rocktober Blood is an inept, blood soaked,  hair metal epic! Featuring some of the worst acting I’ve ever witnessed, poor production values, terrible editing and some genuinely catchy cheesy 80’s metal tunes.  Plenty of murder, mayhem, plot twists, brain hemorrhaging reveals, 30 minute long bathing sequences and one incredible finale that takes place during the now LEGENDARY Rocktober Blood Concert of 1984.

So join me, your host The Primal Root, and get into the Halloween spirit as we check out one of the strangest, goofiest and trashiest films from the VHS era! Join me for a heaping helping of, Rocktober Blood!

And a VERY Special Thanks to Kevin Johnson of Celluloid Cesspool for not only introducing us to Rocktober Blood bot for sending us his personal copy which made this Rotten Review possible. Many thank, my friend!

Stay Trashy and have a Happy Halloween!


<p><a href=”″>(NSFW) Rocktober Blood (1984) The Primal Root’s Rotten Reviews Episode 22</a> from <a href=”″>Kevin Cole</a> on <a href=””>Vimeo</a&gt;.</p>


October Devil Girl of the Month, Dead Girl

Hey Gang, we have a treat for you this Halloween! Our October Devil Girl, Dead Girl, is staying true to her namesake and has risen from the grave to celebrate the season with us and munch some brains here at the Trash Cinema Collective. It’s a pleasure to have our VERY FIRST Devil Girl back from her crypt and delivering a gorgeous set for us to enjoy.  So, for all you zombie lovers out there, we’ve got a girl for you to die for!

Photography by Lisa Blomgren Aka Olivestarr


Saw VI and the preexisting human condition


a Primal Root review

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s that time of year again. That time of year where Lionsgate lets it’s cash cow franchise out of the stable and forces it to plop another stinky loaf of torture porn goodness onto the laps of us horror movie fans. I still blows my mind how this franchise continues to spawn entries when it seems every avenue , every possible angle has been explored. Every single possible way the series could justify a sequel by rewriting the past films with endless ham handed flashbacks to what was happening that we were not shown last time around has turned what was once a fun, twisted, bloody little franchise into a boring, convoluted snooze fest of a series. After taking in the lackluster face palmingly craptastic Saw V in 2008 it seemed the franchise had finally hit rock bottom. There was literally nowhere left to go, no plot lines left to develop. The fifth entry even lacked the series trademark twist ending, instead, it just summarized everything we had just seen. It was the laziest entry to date and it looked like the whole series, like it’s lead antagonist Jigsaw, had finally died.

I could not have been more incorrect. The Saw series is just going to keep hanging around like a turd that just won’t flush and like the goofy horror fan that I am I keep getting lured back year after year out of a morbid curiosity just to see what they can dream up next to make up a reason for this installments existence.


These foolish games are tearing these guys apart.

Saw VI begins a brand new game featuring the scum sucker president of the Umbrella Insurance company who turned down Jigsaw  for a medical treatment that could have rid him of his cancer WAAAAY back before the events of Saw ever took place, and I believe, before the events in the flash backs from Saw IV took place…I dunno, it took place a while ago…Anyhoo, now this jerk has to decide who amongst his co-workers gets to live and who gets to die in three sadistic, assholish games devised by Jigsaw before his death in Saw III and executed by Jigsaw’s Cro-Magnon psycho monotone caveman apprentice, Detective Hoffman.

saw_VI hoffman

Detective Hoffman prepares a death machine for one of the previous Saw films in one of numerous flashbacks in Saw VI.

Hoffman this time around is being fingered as the new Jigsaw after suspcion is raised once the finger prints of the now deceased Detective Straum (featured in Saw IV-Saw V where he was flattened like a pancake at the end) are determined to be that of a ,well, a dead guy. Hoffman is given much more screen time in this installment and finally is beginning to feel as if he kind of belongs here. I, personally, hate this character’s guts. Sure, Jigsaw was a monster but at least he was a man of principal no matter how sick and twisted those principals were. But Jigsaw is a sweet heart when compared to Hoffman who lives by one rule and one rule only. BRUTALITY. The guy is a sociopath who truly gets off on hurting people and watching people hurt each other. He is a loathsome creature on par with Freddy minus any kind of charisma.


Betsy (Private School) Russell checks out the contents of the mysterious Jigsaw Box left to her in his last will and testament.

Also, the  always incredibly gorgeous and talented Betsy Russell (casting her was the best decision made in the franchise since casting Tobin) returns as Jigsaw’s ex-wife who is also helping to carry on the legacy of violence set forth by her late husband. The contents of the box she inherited in Saw…um IV is revealed…or was that Saw V? I dunno… What resides in the box is probably what you guessed all along. Nothing too earth shattering trust me.

Where Saw V had completely run out of steam and felt as if everyone involved was working their asses of just to drag this dead horse a little bit further Saw VI finds some pretty ripe subject matter by gouging into the health insurance industry and exploring the rotten side of this institution just about all of us have had to deal with at some point in our lifetime. Really, there’s a point in the film, where in flashback, the president of Umbrella Insurance mentions to Kramer (Jigsaw) at a fundraising party that they aren’t so dissimilar. See, the president of Umbrella decides who can be covered by his insurance and who cannot according to an equation that allows healthy people to gain coverage where those of us with preexisting conditions and truly NEED health care are denied straight out. In essence, deciding who lives and who dies. The president of Umbrella has no idea how close to the truth he is.


Tobin Bell (Jigsaw) returns for some flashback fun and looks as bored as ever in Saw VI.

Jigsaw has devised several games where the President of Umbrella must choose who amongst his co-workers are deserving of having their lives spared. Most of these games are interesting and mildly cringe worthy. In one he must decide between a young loner who has no family and an older employee who has a huge family she would be leaving behind. How do you choose? In one game he must sacrifice his own well being and endure intense pain to try and help save the company attorney from having a poll shot through her skull.

And in possibly the best segment of the entire film our Umbrella President guy (who. I must mention, has some wicked side burns) must decide who among six of his more valuable employees are allowed to live. These six employees are called the Dog Pit (er, something like that) and they go through all the insurance claims looking for those who are lying in order to gain their much needed health insurance.  Now, these six are tied to a playground spin wheel which spins in a circle and stops every so often in order to shoot one of them in the chest with a shotgun. The Umbrella President has a button he can press to save only two of these six people. Needless to say these six people begin lying their asses off (i.e. “I’M PREGNANT!”, “HE’S BEEN STEALING COMPANY MONEY!” “I”LL LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS LATER!, etc.) in order to try and convince the player to save their lives.

saw6 wheel o death

The Wheel O' Death. Hands down the best game of the entry.

It’s certainly the most interesting and innovative concept the Saw franchise has come up with since the original trilogy ran it’s course. Sure, about half of the film is comprised of flash backs to events that took place off screen in just about every single entry in the Saw franchise in a desperate attempt for the current events in this installment to make a damn bit of sense, but the game itself and the knowledge that perhaps, just perhaps, the health insurance industry is almost entirely the one to blame for Jigsaw going on his little Rube Goldberg / God Complex inspired killing spree in the first place…so I don’t just get to blame the Health Insurance companies for the fact I can’t go to the doctor when I am sick and am unable to buy the medications I desperately need to survive because of preexisting health conditions but they are also responsible for the lame, played out series of torture porn films of the Saw franchise…jeez, the amount of evil these guys are capable of…

Saw6 tendra

Tendra won this coveted role in Saw VI from a VH1 reality show! Dream big, kids!

Sad to say that by the films end the Saw franchise drops the ball again by not going for a moral ending which would have vindicated Jigsaw’s methods and lessons in forgiveness ( the only person he ever helped with these goddamn games was Amanda and look what happened to her!) and instead goes for the graphic, goopy death the audience really wants to see.

Who is left alive at Saw VI’s ending has me concerned as to where the franchise might be headed. If we thought this franchise was dark and unnecessarily nihilistic I have a very, very, sick feeling we have yet to see the brutality a certain monotone, beefy douche bag is capable of. I cetainly hope the three movies dead Jigsaw was psychic enough to have some more plans in effect for Saw VII because I’m really concerned someone he loves just might be getting a visit next year.

saw_VI goofus

Lovely "O"Face there, kid.

Saw VI continues the horror soap opera with gusto and feels more in synch with the original trilogy than the series has in the previous two installments. It’s not a good film but it is certainly better than I had expected thanks to the current political focus on Health Care and Saw growing some balls and tackling something a bit more topical than usual.

Saw VI provides another bloody graphic endurance test. You won’t have much fun but your cynical side will surely smirk at the devious ways this franchise has come up with to keep the conveyor belt running.

Stay Trashy!


(The Primal Root)

Mann's Chinese Six

Betsy Russell: Still one of the most drop dead gorgeous and talented women on the planet.


Nut Up. It’s time for Zombieland!

zombieland poster

A Review by The Primal Root

I knew Zombieland was going to be fun. But words cannot describe the feeling of elation and pure horror nerd joy that swelled inside my black heart as this gooey bundle of zombie love splattered across the screen. From the opening credits alone, a beautiful and grotesque montage of zombie attacks set to the wildly appropriate living dead apocalyptic theme of Metallica’s For Whom the Bell Tolls, I knew this was the one. This was the horror movie I’ve been waiting half a dozen October’s since the Saw franchise took a foothold on the Halloween holiday. This is good, exciting, fun loving horror. The kind of hoot we want to have this time of year. And to my astonishment, just below the mindless, carnival minded rotting ribcage of Zombieland, resides a very warm and human heart steadily beating .

Zombieland centers on a 20 something anal retentive, Mountain Dew Guzzling, WOW playing, virgin survivor of the zombie uprising who recites his long list of zombie survival rules as we get to know him (Always Double Tap, Beware Bathrooms, etc.) and goes by the name Columbus ( Jesse Eisenberg) See, no one goes by their real names. Instead, they title themselves after the city they are aiming to get to now that civilization has totally collapsed. This is to ensure no relationship gets too personal. This is why I take so much pleasure in the name of Woody Harrelson’s character. Woody plays the badass of our film who has a great talent and artistry as a dispatcher of the recently re-animated. Woody play TALLAHASSEE. That’s right. The most awesome character in Zombieland, for whatever Cthulhu forsaken reason, wants to make his way to Tallahassee Florida which happens to be my devastatingly dead pan home town. In some strange way, the fact that Woody’s character goes by the name Tallahassee gives me some strange horror nerd feeling of pride.

But I digress, see, Columbus and Tallahassee meet up and head out on the road on their course to, well, wherever and to find Tallahassee a Hostess Twinkie. Apparently, after the zombie apocalypse Twinkies are about as tough a commodity to come by as a clean pair of underwear. This is one of two driving forces behind the enigma that is…Tallahassee. The other one I’ll let you see for yourself.

The two guys end up getting hustled and then kidnapped by two sisters. The older sexy ass kicker sister, Witchita (Emma Stone) the eventual love interest for our man Columbus and the younger gun toting sister who goes by Little Rock played by Little Miss Sunshine herself, Abigail Breslin.  Eventually, they call a truce and head towards an amusement park in Los Angeles that Wichita and Little Rock used to go to before the undead came around to shit and piss all over everything.

Will they all make it out alive? Will Columbus get lucky with Wichita? Will our rag tag group of misfits run into any celebrities (um, probably the best cameo of all time!) once they reach L.A? Will Tallahassee ever get an f-ing Twinkie? All of these questions will be answered and will be done so with a huge shit eating grin and more laughs than you would ever imagine fitting into the all too quick 80 some odd minute running time. You’ll leave wanting more. Trust me.

Once our heroes reach the amusement park the movie goes full tilt boogey and holds no prisoners.  Columbus rushes to save Wichita and Little Rock and must overcome his greatest fear to do so while Tallahassee runs interference and uses all the rides at the park in his aid blasting stenches from rollercoaster’s and gravitrons. Trust me, you’ll feel like you’re at the fair while you’re sitting in your theater seat. It’s so fast paced, fun, well edited and quippy, it’s as close to a carnival ride as a movie can possibly get.

Sure, civilization is over as we know it, humanity has been reduced to a handful of survivors and hordes of brain dead running sacks of meat. What’s left to do but laugh right in the face of Armageddon and have some fun with what time we’ve got left.

It might be the first of it’s kind. A zombie road trip buddy comedy. This movie will probably prove itself just as funny to none hardcore horror fans as it does to those, like myself, who live, eat and breath this stuff. It’s a simple and effective joyride. I have yet to come across a horror/comedy hybrid like it. It’s slightly dark, but not as pitch black and nihilistic like Return of the Living Dead. It’s heartfelt and sweet but not nearly as sentimental as Shaun of the Dead. Zombieland is totally in a class all by itself.

Like Tallahassee’s state early in Zombieland, “You gotta enjoy the little things.” It’s just the explosive shotgun blast of horror fun we’ve been waiting for and has been released just in time to add some zesty flavor to the Halloween season.

So nut up, sucker, and go have some fun at Zombieland!

Stay Trashy,



Emma Stone plays Wichita in Zombieland.

Dumpster Diving