Posts Tagged ‘Ninja

27
Feb
16

Ninja III The Domination: A Trash Cinema Event!

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WHO: The Trash Cinema Collective
WHAT: A screening of Canon film’s 1984 action cult classic, Ninja III: The Domination!
WHEN: Saturday March 5th at 9pm
WHERE: Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack
WHY: Because it’s Macho March and nothing says Macho like Ninja’s, Possession, aerobics, body hair and V-8 Juice!

As Always, NO COVER! (That’s Cheap!)

Hey Gang, The Primal Root here, and I am inviting YOU out to join The Trash Cinema Collective Saturday, March 5th for our annual MACHO MARCH movie screening! This year, we are drudging up a long standing cult classic from the purveyors of fine cinematic cheese,The Canon Group, 1984’s third entry in the Canon Ninja Trilogy, Ninja III: The Domination!

Mild mannered aerobics instructor and V-8 Juice enthusiast, Christie Ryder (Lucinda Dickey or Breakin’ and Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo fame) one day ends up getting possessed by the vengeful spirit of a recently gunned down evil ninja master. Dominated by this blood thirsty spirit, Christie now sets forth to seek brutal revenge on the dead ninja’s worst enemies. Christie’s incredibly hairy boyfriend, concerned by Christie total change in personality and new knack for exceedingly efficient murder, enlists the help Yamada (martial arts superstar, Sho Kosugi, from Revenge of the Ninja). It all comes down to a life threatening exorcism and the ultimate battle to the death, because only a ninja…can kill a ninja.

Get ready for plenty of gym footage, spandex clad asses, gold course massacres, the most sexual use of V-8 juice in cinematic history, awesomely brutal and fun ninja fight scenes and a bouncy, spinning, exorcism like none you’ve ever seen! So, come on out to Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack Saturday March 5th for MACHO MARCH’! Bring your friends, grab a pitcher of your favorite ice cold adult beverage, suck down some salty love on the half shell or sink your teeth into the BEST damn burger in Tallahassee and hold on your sanity as Ninja III: The Domination blows your filthy little mind!

I’ll see you there, Gang!

Stay Trashy!
-Root

30
Dec
15

Revenge of the Ninja (1983):Battle Without Honor or Pants

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a Primal Root written review

“Only a ninja can stop a ninja.” – Sho Kosugi, Revenge of the Ninja

Holy shit, who doesn’t love a no holds barred, ball the the wall, bone crunching, spirit smashing, head splitting ninja flick? There are a handful of truly damn fine ninja flicks that immediately spring to mind. Flicks like Ninja in the Dragon’s Den (1982), Ninja bugeicho momochi sandayu aka: Shugun’s Ninja (1980). But the majority of ninja movies were kind of rinky dink, low budget Trash Cinema weirdness, many released by the kingpins of bargain basement oddities, Cannon Films in the 1980’s. Offerings like American Ninja (1986), Enter the Ninja (1981), Ninja III: The Domination (1984), etc. Thankfully for these sort of flicks, the goofier it gets, the more entertaining it often becomes. Case in point, 1983’s Revenge of the Ninja.

Revenge of the Ninja, Hell, the plot is right the in the title! So you know exactly what you’re in for the moment you sit down to watch this sucker. After a long standing feud ends with his entire family (men, women, children, grandma, grandpa, dogs, cats, etc.) brutally butchered before the opening credits by a swarm of merciless ninja assassins, Cho Osaki (Sho Kosugi) takes his surviving infant son and his wise old Mama to the United States of America to start a gallery for little geisha dolls and begin life a new in the land of opportunity.

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Only thing is, to the total ignorance of Cho, his white bread yuppie all American Capitalist best buddy is using the doll gallery as a front for his heroin smuggling operation which is in cahoots with an incredibly dangerous Yakuza syndicate in Japan and a local mob cartel. Once this betrayal is revealed to Cho, he realizes that no matter how far her runs, or where he hides, the shadow of his ninja past will always fall upon him and those he loves.

Just like the old guard of ninja films in the 1970’s, Sonny Chiba, Sho Kosugi carried the torch and carved ninja terminology onto 1980’s martial arts lexicon and maintained his dignity throughout a career that spanned movies such as The Godfather part II (1974) (where he played Passerby in Coat with Cap Pulled Down) to The Bad News Bears Go to Japan (1978) to Blind Fury (1989) and Ninja Assassin (2009). Kosugi gives the character of Cho Osaki a strong presence all at once badass and impenetrable and also incredibly empathetic. You can’t help but root for the guy.

Revenge of the Ninja is far and away the cream of the crop when it comes to American brand Shinobi flicks  of the 1980’s. The movie is is heavy on the unrelenting action sequences and the whole thing rolls out like a Double Dragon video game. Seriously, if you have a stop watch you can try it at home, there’s an action just about ever 5-7 minutes during the films run time. You paid for ninja carnage? Revenge of the Ninja understand and delivers a buffet of all you can eat martial arts awesomeness. Revenge of the Ninja faithfully adheres to the chopsocky action formula where every single new setting is pretty much guarantees that there’s some goons hiding right around the corner ready to get a brawl started.

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One of the stand out battles takes place in a crowded public park replete with an extensive jungle gym. Cho has gotten word that there’s a gang that hangs out there who might have information regarding his kidnapped son and who vandalized his doll gallery. Sure enough, Cho shows up in broad daylight and confronts this gang of thugs, who look just like the alternate dimension evil version of The Village People and the extended fight is on! Cho kicks everyone’s ass, and no information is gained, the plot is not furthered, the movie just had to kick some ass for a while and MAN is it spectacular.

There’s also a pretty outstanding chase sequence where Sho is on foot chasing down a van filled with thugs. The guy leaps over walls in a single bound, runs atop cars, barreling none stop in pursuit of the speeding van, determined to get his stolen heroine dolls back. Cho ends up JUMPING THROUGH the windshield of the van where he beings battling the occupants. That is, until Cho is thrown from the van, grabs onto the bumper and is dragged behind on his knees for several city blocks transforming his slacks into daisy dukes and leaving the poor mans legs a ravaged, bloody mess.  The stunts and fight choreography are still awe inspiring even by today’s standards. Shit, if this were to be made today all these stunts and shit would require computer assistance. Revenge of the Ninja serves up the real deal.

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Also, there’s a jaw dropping final battle atop a city high rise that’s quite elaborate, if not a little chuckle worthy due to the Wile E Coyote nature of the battle. It;s on the rooftop and over the top and includes a leaping battle on a tennis court and an odd bit of battling in a hot tub… Trust me, it’s remarkable. Every ninja tick in the book is here and accounted for.

The entire film is caked in blood with plentiful amounts of nasty, gory deaths. Bones are broken, faces mangled and blood splashes across the screen, all in good fun. But, for me. the highlight of the whole film is when Cho spares with a young and eager blonde woman looking to get pummeled below the belt by her Sensei, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. She shows up to spare wearing NO PANTS OR PANTIES! Even Cho makes note of this when he remarks, “Well, if you wanna work out, you forgot your pants! ” to which his student, Cathy, retorts, “You really think I forgot?” and they end up sparing for a little bit as she’s flashing her snatch the entire time! Gang, this is cinematic gold of the trashiest proportions. I mean, how many bottomless training scenes have you witnessed? It’s really wonderful stuff.

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REVENGE OF THE NINJA, 1983, (c)Canon Films

What’s also worth mentioning is that one of Kosugi’s son’s, Kane Kosugi, made his film debut here as Cho’s little boy and ninja attack survivor turned martial arts wizard and eventual hostage, Kane Osaki. Kane has a pretty hysterical battle with a group of school bullies on his way home with his grandmother. He ends up whooping every single one of them before his Father catches on and he gets scolded for being awesome. Kane is still enjoying a pretty damn healthy career these days with titles such as Godzilla: Final Wars (2004), Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013) and Muscle Heat (2002) under his belt.

Revenge of the Ninja is actually the second installment of the Ninja franchise Cannon Films produced. It began with Enter the Ninja (1981) starring a poorly dubbed over Franco Nero of Django fame as the ninja who enters and the trilogy ended with the laughably bizarre Ninja III: The Domination (1984) where an aerobics instructor ends up being possessed by an evil ninja from beyond the grave. We’ll talk about those flicks some other time. 😉 As far as I’m concerned, Revenge of the Ninja is the Empire Strikes Back of the series.

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Revenge of the Ninja is a finely tuned, gore drenched thrill a minute action film and a damn fine example of the genre.Well directed by Cannon Films veteran Sam Firstenberg, scored strikingly, catchy score courtesy of Rob Walsh and a damn near perfect screenplay James R Silke, Revenge of the Ninja is among the very best examples of pure, unadulterated Trash Cinema martial arts action.  And you won’t even need your pants and panties to enjoy it.

You GOTTA see Revenge of the Ninja.

I’m awarding this sucker FIVE out of FIVE Dumpster Nuggets.

Stay Trashy!

-Root

11
Nov
11

Action Jackson and The Art of Catching a Cab

a Primal Root written review

“How do you like your ribs?” – Action Jackson

Action has never really been my genre.  I can’t exactly tell you why, but it’s not really one I go out of my way to watch unless it’s got some kind of hook to it like The Road Warrior, Predator or the greatest action film ever made, Robocop. However, I am beginning to change my tune a little bit and give this genre a bit more attention. What changed my mind and get the action film on my Trash Cinema radar? Two words…

Action Jackson.

Carl Weathers (Predator, Happy Gilmore) plays a badass police Sergeant, Jericho Jackson. Better known as…ACTION JACKSON. The man’s exploits are legendary and purse snatchers simply faint when the man simply looks into their greedy, thieving eyes. However, Action Jackson was demoted from the rank of Lieutenant some time early after a scandal involving a local big wig car magnate named Peter Dellaplane (Craig T. Nelson-Poltergeist, TV’s Coach). See, Jackson nearly tore the arm off this rich, therefore, important member of Detroit’s 1% during an investigation. Don’t garner too much sympathy for Delleplane, see, hie a sexual deviant, sociopath who own a nightclub, kills his competition, enslaves women with heroine and knows kung-fu.  Yeah, the guy’s a major league asshole.

Whenever I think "master of martial arts" I instantly think of Craig T. Nelson.

One such enslaved dope head is his club’s band’s spastic lead singer and sex pot, Sydney Ash, played by none other than 80’s pop star and and ex-Prince fuck buddy, Vanity (The Last Dragon, Tanya’s Island), who bring much believability to her role (*ahem*) and is surprisingly fun to watch on screen as she gets all naked with Criag T. Nelson and ends up having to be saved by Action Jackson as she is targeted for death by Delleplane. These two unlikely allies bond as Jackson is framed for the murder of Delleplane’s ignorant wife, Patrice (played by a pre-stardom Sharon Stone who they still manage to get totally naked for the flick)  and Sydney begins going through what seem to be pretty mild withdrawal symptoms for someone who is supposed to be totally reliant on the drug…

Delleplane's "Boobs for Smack" program in action.

Action Jackson ends up being a balls to the wall, cheese-ball, action flick. The film doesn’t take itself seriously at all and neither should the audience. The cast does a fantastic job of playing off one another , especially Weathers and Nelson who try to steal every scene they have together from one another. Carl Weathers is such an insanely likable actor who exudes a kind spirit as well as a very serious “don’t duck with me or I will crush your bones into powder” aura that you can;t help but like the guy. The character of Action Jackson is reasonable, intelligent, and honorable. Not only that but he forgoes his car during a car chase sequence which was easily one of the highlights of the film for me. That’s right, he RUNS DOWN a cab hurtling full speed down a busy Detroit city street. No, really, he even manages to jump on top of it, punch through the windshield and send the damn thing hurtling into a building…and walks away totally unscathed.

That’s Action Jackson.

Craig T. Nelson…you know, I will never get used to him playing a villain. I thought it was weird in The Devil’s Advocate, and here he’s and out and out psychopath which is even stranger to me. I grew up on Poltergeist so I will always see T. Nelson as a father figure.Still, to my surprise, he managed to pull off the sociopath kung-fu expert, Delleplane, commendably well and you can tell he’s having a blast playing such a scuzzy, irredeemable character. He plays the part with gusto and, in the end, might even steal the show…

Now that's a 200 dollar stunt, right there!

It’s not excessively exploitative, never gets too nasty, and all the elements that need to work do! There are some mind blowing stunts in Action Jackson and some full body burns that are so epic in scale it’s kind of astonishing. Especially early on when a man explodes into flames and goes sailing out an upper level high rise window in slow motion. And that shit happens about 5 minutes into the film! From that moment I was hooked.The fight scenes are really well done, expertly choreographed and edited together and shot very well. Never too choppy that you can’t tell what going on, but just quick enough to make us feel each and every skull cracking blow.

The critics pretty much turned this movie into their bitch and even garnered a  Razzie Award Nomination for Vanity as Worst Actress, which is a real shame, because I really enjoyed her time onscreen. And, no, not just because she shows her tits and runs around with bouncing cleavage for most of the run time. I really felt she did a decent job with the material and played her part pretty damn well.

I'll catch Vanity, you catch Carl, okay?

I think most critics missed the boat with Action Jackson. This flick is supposed to be a fun, B-Movie, action. This isn’t Platoon, gang, this is Action Jackson! Just look at the title! the whole film’s a blast to sit through and I dare you to walk away from this flick without a smile on your face. The action is great, the TnA is plentiful, and the fun is non-stop. There’s electrocution with Christmas lights, a car chase inside a mansion, hilarious one liners, jars of cut off testicles, barbecued ribs, Biff from Back to the Future getting a foot-job, the of the stars of Predator reunited, and the greatest cab catching scene ever committed to film.

In L.A., you don't catch the Christmas Spirit, the Christmas Spirit catches you.

So, if you are in the mood for some fun, non-pretentious, over the top, action fun accept no substitutes. Action Jackson is the real deal.

“There ain’t been any pussy at your pad since your mother helped you move in. They oughta call your place the House of Wax.” – Officer Lack

02
Feb
09

Ninja Cheerleaders: A Cyber Slasher Review

Ninja Cheerleaders – the blood, the beauty, and the botox
By Ryan D. Libbert AKA The Cyber Slasher

Well now as if the horror genre hasn’t gotten its fare share recently of campy movies featuring busty and bubbly sexbags stumbling through a plot, (I’m referring mainly to the recent trash joints as Zombie Strippers and Strippers vs. Zombies) The Asian Kung-Fu class got their full of sexploitation with this year’s neon bright epic titled Ninja Cheerleaders.

Written and Directed by David Presley, who gained the majority of his perverted visions in either the Army or Prison. This debacle tells the story of three of the most talented and dedicated gals this side of a burlesque house.

Courtney, Monica and April are the every-woman of men’s testosterone driven daydreams. They’re 18, beautiful, book smart, cheerleaders, martial artists, and strippers to boot (swimsuit models too from what I can gather off of poorly placed cinema montages). Fitting into their busy schedule of avoiding the sex-crazed perverts at the local junior college, vying for the chance to attend an Ivy League school, and hanging from a pole by their thighs in front of drooling sailors, these vixens also use their talents under the cover of night in training and espionage towards earning the coveted title of ninja.

The story opens as the 3 BFFs in kimonos break into an Army installation to steal an ancient Japanese kitana blade. Once retrieved and safe in the dojo, their sensei, Hiroshi, anoints them all ninjas. Life unfortunately does not turn to normal (as if it was?) for Courtney, Monica, or April as Hiroshi is kidnapped by the mob which therefore spoils their plans to compete in the annual strip-off and thereby shatters their dreams of attending Brown University…..trust me, it’ll all make sense just before the story’s climax.

Taking on the many villains a pointless film-garb could throw at an audience, the lead vixens are able to save the day from evil mafia scumbags while also taking care of conflicts with perverted students, perverted cheerleader coaches, perverted sailors, perverted detectives, and of course perverted stepdads. All this plus sharing a scene of emotional tears …proving once and for all that fierce ninja warriors do have feelings.

Leading the group is April, played by Ginny Weirick, who is leader by default simply because she’s the only brunette in the trio. April is the tough one who is quick to lead the charge of fists and fury during any conflict. Her anger issues are only overshadowed by her love of dancing, Sun Tzu and cutting off testicles.

Courtney, credited as Trishelle Cannatella, plays second banana to April’s confident lead by assuming role as the mature one of the group. She never backs down from any challenge be it physical, philosophical, or fancy footwork. Her tasseled curls and pearly white smile disguises an attitude controlled only by ninja discipline.

Rounding out the threesome is the lovable Monica, portrayed by Maitland McConnell. Monica is the sweet and innocent one who laughs naively in the face of authority with an alluring smile and charisma. Monica’s charm adds to the group in the same sense that Raya added to Jem and the Holograms.

The big hitter in Ninja Cheerleaders comes via science fiction’s number one homosexual, George Takei; who assumes the mantle of Hiroshi, sensei as well as owner and head bartender of the Strip Palace. Takei graciously steps away from the helm of the Enterprise to portray something more stereotypical of his caliber, the ageing and comical martial artist. Hiroshi proves his mark in one of the more entertaining sword battles witnessed in a movie (courtesy mostly due to stop-motion photography vice stuntmen) as well as semi-charming banter such as “Kick higher! Rape is still rape with sore thigh!”

With such absurdities wrapped in an awesome reel of fun, one would be surprised to find that none of the three leading ladies bare any bush or nip during the entire film, nudity is actually down to a minimum which surprisingly raises an eyebrow by most critics and fans.

It’s not quite 3 Ninjas and it’s not quite Bring It On, but Ninja Cheerleaders still offers its own unique taste of garbage. Despite the enormous lack of violent gore and gratuitous sex, this film is still considered trash just due to the plot and characters alone. ninja-cheerleaders1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE3vZQnAgQk




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