Posts Tagged ‘night

15
Nov
15

DIE HARD (1988) A Trash Cinema Collective Event and 4th Annual Black Elephant Gift Exchange!

die-hard-poster

“Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!”

WHO: The Trash Cinema Collective
WHAT: A screening of the 1988 Christmas Action Classic, Die Hard! Followed by our Annual Trashmas Black Elephant Gift Exchange!
WHEN: Saturday December 5th at 8:00pm (EST)
WHERE: Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack
WHY: Because Trashmas only comes once and year and we want to spend this special night with all your wonderful, filthy members of The Trash Cinema Collective!

As Always, NO COVER!

Hey Gang, The Primal Root here, and it is that most magical, most festive, most repugnant time of the year once again, TRASHMAS SEASON! And what better way to celebrate than with The Trash Cinema Collective at Bird’s Aphrodisiac while watching the blood drenched, bullet riddled, Christmas action blockbuster, DIE HARD, as chosen by you, The Collective.

Die Hard (19880 tells the heart felt and deeply moving tale of Officer John McClane (Bruce Willis), a hard nosed yet very witty and often hilarious New York cop who is invited (on accident) to his recently estranged wife’s Christmas party at Nakatomi Plaza in California. Sure, this will be a great to patch things up with her and bring the family back together, but wouldn’t you know it? A team of elite badass terrorists ( led by a bearded Alan Rickman, ladies…) pick that exact same night to stage an attack, taking hostages and generally fucking up the whole holly jolly spirit of the boozy1988 holiday season. It is up to John McClane to save the Mother Fuckin’ day and remind us all of the true meaning of Christmas by using his McGuyver like resilience, excellent one liners and and fully loaded machine gun. Oh yes, this Trashmas, we’re gonna DIE HARD!

ALSO! If you are interested in participating in the 4th Annual Trashmas Black Elephant Gift Exchange, please bring a wrapped gift that costs you no more than $20 and place it under the Trashmas Tree! Once Die Hard concludes, we will begin the Black Elephant Gift Exchange. We will count the heads of everyone who brought a gift and draw numbers as to who will go up and pick the very first gift. Whoever goes second can either choose to unwrap a new gift from under the tree or steal the first person’s gift that they just unwrapped. The person who was stolen from can then choose to grab another gift from under the tree or steal someone else’s. THREE STEALS IS THE LIMIT, so steal wisely. Trust me, we will go into more detail at the actual event.

What kind of gift should you bring? Something Funny, Filthy, Weird or Trashy tends to be popular. An old Charles Manson T-shirt, Faces of Death VHS tapes and even a chair last year, proved to be very popular. So follow your trashiest instincts and bring something that will truly shock and awe the masses. Trust me, something cheap and everyday will not impress anyone. Also, booze is totally okay to bring as a Black Elephant Gift, too.

Cannot wait to celebrate another Trashmas full of debauchery and cheer with you filthy folks December 5th at Trash Cinema Nights at Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack! See you then!

Stay Trashy!
-Root

11
Oct
15

Hell Night (1981) Party on, Garth!

POSTER-HELL-NIGHT

a Primal Root written review

“If you weren’t screaming, and we weren’t screaming, then someone is trying to mind fuck us here.” Seth, Hell Night

I’m not going to lie to you, there were a ton of slasher films made in the wake of the independent horror mega hit, Halloween in 1979. They all followed the formula with varying degree of success. Many tried new ground and failed to deliver the goods, others just didn’t understand the appeal and tried for a quick, meaningless cash grab, while others delivered on the gore and tits but left little to be desired in the thrill department.  Being a life long, die hard admirer of the horror genre, I am willing to give anything a go and I am always thrilled to find an example of a genre film that has every excuse in the world to be a lousy phoned in slasher flick actually put forth the effort, rises above the cliched premise, and delivers something entertaining, actually scary and downright fucking solid in execution. 1981’s Hell Night is a perfect example.

Four pledges, Marty (Linda Blair of The Exorcist and Savage Streets fame) Jeff (Peter Barton from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter), Seth ( Vincent Van Patten from Rock and Roll High School) and Denise (Suki Goodwin…umm…) must go through with the initiation ritual pleasantly referred to as Hell Night which means they all must spend the night in the abandoned Garth Manor, where a dozen years or so earlier Raymond Garth murdered his wife, killed off all their deformed offspring and then committed suicide. The youngest of their spawnage, Andrew referred to as a…Gork (?), was never found and the legend goes that he still lives somewhere within Garth Manor, which contains numerous secret passages and catacombs running below the enormous mansion.

hellnightpledges3

Once the four lovely young people are locked in for the night behind the 12 foot tall wrought iron fence which encircles the property, complete with razor sharp spikes at the top where anyone trying to haul their asses over it “might cut their nuts off”, Fraternity and Sorority leaders begin a campaign of pranks in an attempt to scare the shit out of the pledges all while Seth and Denise get all weird and kinky in an upstairs bedroom playing goofy and endearing surfboard role playing, Marty and Pater spend their time chatting and forming a friendship by the living room fireplace. But it isn’t long before the presence of these young people bring to life a dark, malevolent force in the house one that strikes out at the pranksters first and then slowly, mercilessly, begins hunting down our four pledges.

Hell Night works shockingly well despite what comes across as a pretty by the numbers premise. Stick four attractive young people in a dark, forbidding location, unleash a plot contrivance to search them down and kill them one by one according their sluttiness and casual narcotics usage, leave one girl behind to kill the monster and call it a day. But where Hell Night succeeds flawlessly is actually taking the time to create real, interesting, human characters and not some phony, cynical bullshit axe fodder that you can’t wait to see get their heads ripped from their neck stumps. The young people in Hell Night are genuinely likable, shit, even relatable. And this is a huge fucking rarity for a “dead teenage” flick.

HellNightGallery3

Let’s take a moment to look at Seth, probably my favorite character in the flick. This guy is a muscle bound, blonde, weed smoking surfer guy who, according to himself, only cares about drinking, surfing and screwing. In your run of the mill slasher film, this guy would be written of as dead meat right then in there. Horny jock? That sucker is toast! But in Hell Night, these conventions are kicked to the curb and Seth is proven to be not only quite intelligent, but heroic, loyal, and resourceful. As a long time fan of the slasher genre, I can tell you, Seth’s behavior and acts of heroism are not often seen in the slasher formula. In a way, this makes Seth a kind of wild card, as we so very seldom see this kind of character, we are put of edge not knowing just what might happen to him.

That same sentiment goes for the character of Marty. Linda Blair creates a unique and admirable blue collar badass out of Marty. She grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, comes from a working class family where she grew up fixing cars along with her mechanic Father (PLOT POINT!) and provides an interesting contrast to the other, more privileged, pledges.  There’s even a great extended conversation early in the film about class structure and capitalism between Marty and Jeff. It’s a fantastic moment where two characters are feeling one another out as they get to know one another along with the audience. We’re not talking anything deeply philosophical here, but it far exceeds what the format typically calls for, and that’s worth praising. These characters are real to life, identifiable and ultimately likable. We fear for them and it really does suck when these characters are killed and are no longer in the movie. You actually mourn the loss. See, this effort makes Hell Night far scarier than it’s next of kin.

Hell Night ghost projection

There are no red herrings in Hell Night, only a menacing, blood thirsty antagonist that remains hidden in the shadows for about 95% of the film’s running time. AGAIN, this works in Hell Night‘s favor, as it adds a legitimate feeling of unease and fear as we imagine just what or whom is lurking in the darkness, in those catacombs, racing towards us down the candle lit hallways of Garth Manor.  However, the number of killers at work here is left in question, which also adds to the uneasy tension Hell Night generates. But, when you stop and think about the premise of Hell Night, it does kind of dawn on you that these college kids ARE trespassing on Private Property…I guess The Garth clan has every right to butcher these assholes invading their home. Who are the real bad guys here? 😉 This flick even manages to create some genuine suspense as one young pledge, in a panic, decides to scale the high fence surrounding Garth Manor and must hoist his weight over numerous spikes poised to pierce his tender young flesh. When looking for help, all the young people can find is useless authority and they must rely on themselves, their cunning and resourcefulness to survive Hell Night.

Alright, so when all is said and done, is Hell Night original? Hardly. What it actually is, is a well crafted and performed Spook Show Haunted House. It’s genuinely thrilling, fun, and even pretty goddamn nightmarish at times. Hell Night is a sadly overlooked piece of slasher film history, one I continually wait to see it becoming rediscovered and reaching the cult status it so richly deserves. Boasting some fine performances, nasty, mean, mother fucking monsters, some outstanding cleavage from a still baby faced Linda Blair, a genuinely creepy score and the patience to really create some worthwhile characters, Hell Night is, in this filthy fright flick fan’s opinion, is one of the better slasher efforts to come out of the 1980’s.

WORD OF WARNING: There is NO nudity in Hell Night.

I’m awarding Hell Night FOUR out of FIVE Dumpster Nuggets

Stay Trashy, Gang!

-Root

27
May
14

“Tremors” (1990) A Trash Cinema Nights Event!

tremors_poster_01

WHAT: Trash Cinema Nights screening of Tremors
WHERE: Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack
WHEN: Saturday, June 7th at 7:00pm
WHO: The Trash Cinema Collective
WHY: Because we love you

as always, NO COVER!

Tremors is rated PG-13, so bring your impressionable spawn!

Hey Gang, it’s your pal The Primal Root here inviting you all out to an evening of fun in the sun (?) as we visit the residents of Perfection Valley, Nevada. A small, isolated ex-silver mining desert town where the residents live a simple, peaceful existence in the middle of nowhere. That is…until the a new breed of monster is discovered hiding just below the ground and intent on sucking every breathy, meaty, screaming human down into their monstrous gobs for a quick and delicious meal. The town is long dead, but will the residents survive? Handymen Val (Kevin Bacon), Earl (a scene stealing Fred Ward), and a young geology student named Rhonda (Finn Carter) must bring the town together to fend off and survive the rampaging terror just under their feet. Featuring an excellent supporting cast, Michael Gross (Family Ties), Charlotte Stewart (Eraserhead, TV’s Twin Peaks) Victor Wong (Big Trouble in Little China, Prince of Darkness) Ariana Richards (Jurassic Park) and country music SENSATION, Reba McEntire! and some of the best practical monster effects of the era, Tremors is a fun, hilarious and horrifying monster, action, B-movie that gets better with each viewing. Come on, let’s ring in the summer with some big, juicy worm monsters!

Some come out and join your friends from The Trash Cinema Collective, sink your teeth into a juicy burger, slurp down some oysters and gulp down an ice cold adult beverage as we enjoy an evening of none stop Trashy, low rent, monster action!

Hope to see you there!

Stay Trashy!
-Root

26
Jan
14

Ms. 45 (1981): Vengeance be a Lady or Bullets Over Ballsack

ms_45_theatrical_onesheet__large

 

a Primal Root written review

In the late 70’s and early 80’s horror and exploitation cinema saw a rise in the popularity of the “rape/revenge” sub-genre. In a film of this nature, a woman or man is raped and violated followed by the person violated, or someone close to them, going on a roaring rampage of blood soaked revenge against those who have so violently attacked them or those they love.  Movies like “I Spit on your Grave”,  “Deliverance”, “Last House on the Left”, “Straw Dogs” and countless others were all part of this trend towards vigilante revenge fantasy films, where innocence is raped and the victim must seek their vengeance.  My own idea why this sort of sub-genre sprung up and became so popular were the crime statistics of the time and the general unease in society that the system, and those sworn to protect us, weren’t up to the task and that the only way for us to survive was to take matters into our own hands. The rape/revenge film taps into that deep, dark, fantasy where the victim gets the last laugh against the low lives who savaged them.  In most cases there is a clear line between good and evil and the vengeance is always righteous and well justified in the viewers eye. This evil redneck sodomized this young woman for an hour, so she cuts his dick off and lets him bleed to death in her lovely Airbnb log cabin rentals art deco bathroom. You get to cheer on these folks as they fight fire with fire and watch with glee as the wicked are punished.  It’s a very base, primal formula and story.

Enter Abel Ferrara’s 1981 “Ms. 45″ (aka: Angel of Vengeance”), the story of Thana, a young, mute seamstress working for an up and coming fashion designer and living in New York City where there just so happens to be a constant single file line of sleazeballs and scum bags garnishing the streets, ogling women, and serenading them with wolf whistles and cat calls as they walk by. We get to experience this uncomfortable, sexist deluge through the female POV came of those unlucky ladies having to ignore and endure this harassment and MAN is it effective.  As Thana makes her way home from work she is accosted and raped at gun point in broad daylight down an alleyway by a man in a Halloween mask. Before departing, the man threatens that he’ll be back before booking it off into the sunset and surely haunting Thana’s every waking moment for the rest of her life. And in one terrifying moment, actually does appear as a nightmarish phantom hallucination to Thana as she tries to undress and take a shower after the attack.

Zoe-Tamerlis-in-Ms-45-remembering-zoe-tamerlis-lund-12109019-800-534

Thana, in shock, makes her way back to her apartment only to find a burglar has broken in and is waiting for her. Again, she is raped at gunpoint…but this time she strikes back and bashes her assailant’s skull in with an iron. As she begins disposing of attackers dead body, which she has sawed into several pieces and begun depositing all over New York City wrapped in shopping bags, she’s chased on foot by a young man that has mistaken one of these bags as something she accidentally dropped and is trying to give back to her. For his trouble, Thana shoots this poor sucker in the face.

Before you know it, Thana is a woman on a mission. As she gains confidence and a thirst for vengeance she transforms from a mousy young woman to a deadly black widow. Dressing more provocatively, wearing makeup and pulling her hair back, Thana takes to the night time streets of New York to murder as many abusive, rapey, evil men as she can find. She ends up blowing away a pimp seen beating a hooker, a gang of would be rapists and a man in a limousine who tries to offer her cash for sex. It’s a blast watching Thana take out these sleazy, violent cocksmiths. One can clearly see how Thana perceives these men as threats  and you cannot help but cheer as she delivers hot, blood spattering, genital mutilating vengeance from the barrel of her gun. I must admit a certain feeling of satisfaction witnessing this carnage.

primary_Ms45-1981-1

But “Ms. 45”  is a more complex film than your typical black and white, Good vs. Evil rape/revenge film.  “Ms.45” exists in a more realistic world painted in varying shades of grey.  Thana pursues the advances of a creepy, aggressive photographer. The man comes on to her in a restaurant, follows her down the sidewalk yapping her ear off until she agrees to go to his studio. Once there, she guns this guy down in cold blood. The man was obviously a creeper, treated Thana as subhuman, another conquest to stick his teeny weenie in, but did the slimy bastard deserve to die? He never actually succeeded in harming Thana or actually proved he had any intention to.  He was gross, nasty and aggressive…but he never actually hurt anyone during his time on screen.  As a viewer, I sure as shit didn’t want to spend any time with this guy, but did he earn the bullet riddled dose of death he received?

For Thana, it steadily grows from a quest for vengeance to a gender specific killing spree as she begins targeting anyone with the offending genitals. she stalks down a young, Asian man who she eyed making out with his girlfriend. The man was just kissing the woman he is attracted to and it’s completely mutual! No force, no rape, but Thana no longer seems capable of  discerning what is right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy, and in her bloody quest for revenge has found herself becoming a monster herself.

“Ms. 45” reaches it’s climax at her fashion designer bosses’ Halloween party. Thana dresses up as a nun, attends the party as her bosses’ date, and packs some heat below her garter. In a chilling, horrifying, slow motion finale Thana opens fire on every man at the Halloween party. The crowd screams, begins panicking and trying to escape the barrage of gun fire.  This woman we were once rooting for has blurred the line so completely between good and evil that she is willing to kill any man at all because she sees every man as a threat. It isn’t until a friend of Thana’s,  one of her female co-workers, grabs a butcher knife, sneaks up behind Thana holding the blade at crotch level, making the phallic symbolism unmistakable, and then plunges it into Thana’s back, that the killing finally stops. Thana turns, her eyes widen in shock as she realizes it was a fellow woman who has killed her, sliding the phallic knife into her. The mute Thana then whispers her one and only line, her dying word, “sister” and falls to the ground dead.

Ms45

Abel Farrara created one of the most unique, disturbing and thought provoking films in this sub-genre of horror, and incidentally, one of the more interesting of the 1980’s. The film seeks to bring the idea of blind vengeance into the discussion of rape and revenge. When does  revenge simply start becoming mindless killing? Is it ever justified? When does the hero become the villain? These are questions few films within this sub-genre take the time to ask . In “Ms. 45” we are given plenty of time and opportunity to meditate on just what has happened to Thana, where Thana finds herself at the end of the movie, and the mechanics of our own reaction to the steps in her journey from victim, to vigilante to victimizer.  This very well might be why “Ms. 45” is so effective, so chilling and so infinitely open for debate and discussion.

Thana is a voiceless woman in a city overrun with outspoken, sexually aggressive men. Once irrevocably turned into a victim she finds an artificial voice in violence, in the firing of her gun and the killing of others. She cannot scream for anyone to stop, but her gun has the power to scream and stop her tormentors.  It isn’t until the end, when she is stabbed to death by another woman, that she finds her true voice, and in my opinion, opens her eyes to the horror of what she has begun. She is no longer an angel of vengeance but a demon of destruction. By the evil of others, she herself, has become an evil doer.

Of course, this is just The Primal Root’s take on the movie. I would love for you to check it out sometime and share your thoughts on the “Ms. 45” and just what you took away from this flick.

Ms45-1981-4

Also, let me just say Zoë Tamerlis Lund, who played Thana, is remarkable. with only one line of dialogue in the course of the film, Zoë manages to make Thana into a fully fleshed out,  believable, human character.  Zoë was one remarkable, creative talent and a natural beauty with screen presence to spare. She even went on to co-write Abel Ferrara’s notorious “Bad Lieutenant” starring Harvey Keitel.   Sadly, Zoë was a long time heroin addict and died of drug related heart failure in 1999. she was 37 years old.  For more on Zoë I highly recommend http://www.zoelund.com/ which is run by Robert Lund.

I forgot to mention, there is also a subplot featuring Thana’s obnoxious landlady and her yapping mutt. At one point Thana takes her land ladies’ dog for a walk intent on killing it. She ties the dog to a pole, and draws her gun ofn the cornered mutt. We never see Thana kill the pooch but it’s assumed that she did only to have the poor little guy return home right before the credits roll. It’s an interesting note to end the movie on, that Thana so easily can kill a man, ANY man, before she could kill a dog.

Certainly not a feel good movie, and surely as shit, it ain’t for everyone, “Ms. 45” is an excellent piece of exploitation, horror, Trash Cinema. It’s well worth checking out and deserving of it’s Cult Classic status.  I’m giving “Ms. 45” FIVE out of FIVE Dumpster Nuggets.

Stay Trashy!

-Root

25
Aug
13

Maximum Overdrive (1986) or How to Embrace a “Moron Movie”

maximum_overdrive_poster_01

a Primal Root written review

Ever had a really stupid idea for a story? I mean, a cool idea, but one that makes no logical sense at all? I mean, that’s kind of why story telling is so much fun. you can make up whatever you want to justify just what Hell is occurring on the page, on the screen or in your spoken word.  I know, the law of the land says everything’s gotta make sense, that things have to be believable, but sometimes that stupid, amateur, childish, imaginative idea is just too good to restrain. Enter Stephen King’s one and only directorial effort, his self proclaimed “moron movie”, 1986’s critically bashed “Maximum Overdrive.”

“Maximum Overdrive” tells the story of worldwide horror primarily through the microcosm of one filthy, small, interstate truck stop. What’s the global crisis at hand? I’m thrilled you asked! See, the entire world is caught in the tail of some kind of comet that apparently has the power to bring every single machine to vicious, murderous life! Well, with the exception of any piece of equipment required for the main character’s survival…But still, most;y every single damned machine on God’s green Earth is suddenly out for blood! Everything from steam roller crushing Little Leaguers to electric carving knives ripping up hapless waitresses arms! It’s survival of the fittest as the patrons and staff of The Dixie-Boy Truck Stop are besieged by an onslaught of malicious semi-trucks. What do these trucks want? Why are they here? Home many people are going to end up being crunched into human hamburger? All these questions are asked as the blood and bodies fly to a fucking badass AC/DC soundtrack.

James Franco is going to play me in Spider-Man 3? Okay, time to wipe out the human race.

James Franco is going to play me in Spider-Man 3? Okay, time to wipe out the human race.

Stephen King helmed his directorial debut in 1986, right the the peak of his 1980’s popularity, and the critics were chomping at the bit to rip the much beloved horror writer a new asshole. “Maximum Overdrive” provided the perfect opportunity. It’s ridiculous, over the top, gratuitous and deeply, unapologetically dumb. It’s a movie where lawnmowers come to life and chase little kids and soda machines pummel people into bloody pulps, we’re not talking about sophisticated cinema here. One thing I think the critics failed to understand is just how much fun 97 minutes of unabashed mayhem, dopey characters and brain dead dialog can be.

Got coke?

Got coke?

Starring at the time up-and-comer Emilio Estevez, as Bill, a recent parolee employed at The Dixie-Boy Truck Stop and trying to make good all while putting up with his asshole boss/slave driver, Bubba (Pat Hingle) and making love like a hero.  Bill’s situation is pretty shitty…and then machines all of a sudden inherit the Earth, giving the young man the chance to take charge and show just what he’s capable of. Not only that, but he ends up getting stuck in The Dixie-Boy with the lovely Brett (Laura Harrington), an enigmatic tough girl hitch hiker who ends up bedding the sun kissed, perpetually sweaty and over worked Bill and espousing some of the most laughably awkward pillow talk ever heard in cinema all while skull crushing semi-trucks encircle their truck stop hide out and the threat of eminent flattening hangs over everyone’s head.

It’s the ultimate blue collar, underdog, greasy low life action/horror movie as e are asked to root for a batch of characters who would typically be banished to the sidelines in bigger budget apocalypse films. These are not scientists or well worn marines, these are just a bunch of dumb, greasy, rednecks trying to get out of a perilously tough situation and survive.  This, of course, is not your typical end of the world movie scenario. But you know what, it’s about time we got to see a story like this told through the eyes of the average grease monkey. It’s I really love about this flick,

Looks like you were right, that zit was ready to pop.

Looks like you were right, that zit was ready to pop.

In the end, “Maximum Overdrive” is a fuck-all, go for broke, mean as Hell, shit kicker of a film.  Like the goblin faces semi-truck villainous star of the film, it’s completely mindless but dead set on rocking your world.  Stephen King has apologized repeatedly for this tremendous piece of Trash Cinema, and even admitted to the whole film being made in a cocaine fueled haze, but if you ask me it’s really a shame the guy hasn’t gotten back behind the camera. I sure would be curious to see what King would follow this flick up with…  “Maximum Overdrive” is a damn fine and fun piece of B-Movie entertainment. If you don’t take yourself or the premise too seriously, I defy you not to enjoy yourself laughing with or at the movie as it unfolds it’s one of a kind sci-fi/horror/ action yarn about a goofy batch of truckers and yokels duking it  out and fighting for their lives against a world gone mad as machines try to rip their insides out.

“Maximum Overdrive” might not be a classic by the standards of most, but here at The Trash Cinema Collective, it sure as Hell is. Be sure to check this one out, preferably with a cooler full of beer and a handful of pals to share the magic with.

3 1/2 Dumpster nuggets out of 5!

Maximum Overdrive Heavy

See you at The Dixie-Boy SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 7th for Trash Cinema Nights at Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack as we will be screening both “Maximum Overdrive” and “Heavy Metal Parking Lot” back to back starting at 8pm!  Hope to see you there, Gang!  Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster shack is located at 325 N Bronough St  Tallahassee, FL 32301

Stay Trashy!

-Root

18
Nov
12

Trash Cinema Nights presents ‘Gremlins’ and the 2nd Annual Black Elephant Gift Exchange!

SHOWING SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8TH @10PM at BIRD’s APHRODISIAC OYSTER SHACK in TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA!
“It is truly, The Muppet Chain Saw Massacre.” – Harlan Ellison on Gremlins

Hey Gang! Well, it’s that time of year again! Time to break out that ‘ol Yule Tide spirit, brace for none stop Christmas carols on the radio, Santa Claus in every TV commercial, coal in our stockings and, the most WONDERFUL time of the year, our December Trash cinema Night’s at Bird’s Aphrodisiac screening and Black Elephant Gift Exchange!

That’s right, this year we are showing the childhood, deeply cynical, traumatizing, life al

tering Joe Dante seasonal 80’s classic, Gremlins! Partial responsible for the induction of the PG-13 rating (along with Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom) Gremlins tells the story of a young man living in a picturesque, Norman Rockwell style neighborhood with his loving parents. His father gives him the gift of a small creature known as a Mogwai. There are three simple rules to follow in order to take care of this aggressively cute monster so that it does not unleash a reign of unholy, carnage down upon mankind soaking the freshly fallen winter’s snow in a bright crimson shower of arterial spray. Yes, it was marketed to kids and it helped us to realize how hilarious untimely death can be, how to throw a kickass party and TO FOLLOW THE GODDAMN RULES!

Yes, we will be showing Gremlins and then we shall follow that up with our 2nd Annual BLACK ELEPHANT GIFT EXCHANGE! So be sure to bring a Trashy Gift, MAX COST: $15, to place under our Trash Cinema festive holiday tree that does not denote any specific holiday as to avoid being offensive. The rules are, bring in a gift, draw a number as to determine in which order we will be picking out presents. Whoever goes first doesn’t get to exchange their gift for anyone else’s but the further we ascend into the numbers the more chances these folks get to exchange a gift for the one they picked…yeah…Does that make any sense? I’m sure it will once we have some booze in us.

so let us cozy around the warm Trash Cinema night’s projector, prepare for the Christmas season with a pitcher of ice cold beer, devour the Best Damn Burger in Tallahassee and join the Trash Cinema Collective Family for a screening of Gremlins followed by our 2nd Annual Black Elephant gift Exchange!

Hope to see you there!

Stay Trashy!
-Root

01
Nov
12

Rotten Review Ep. 26: Halloween Night

Hey Gang,

 The Primal Root is back and this Halloween evening he is met by a strange, silent fellow who presents him with a mysterious Halloween PArty invite…one that leads him back to the Video 21 porn closet and into a world unlike any he has ever visited before!
 While there, Root takes a look at the 2006 straight to video slasher picture ‘Halloween Night’ which is about a man who suffers a deeply disturbing trauma as a child and grows up to be a psychotic killer who escapes from the mental ward and heads home to kill off a bunch of college age frat boy assholes who are throwing the worst Halloween Party you could ever imagine and featuring the worst planned prank ever conceived. But it’s okay, because 95% of the female cast gets topless. So that’s a plus.
 So join The Primal Root in his latest Rotten Review Adventure into a dark kinky underworld orgy and checks out another terrible Trash Cinema classic!

Stay Trashy! and Happy Halloween!

-Root

06
Oct
12

Uncle Grumpyfuk Remembers The Drive-In Massacre

an Uncle Grumpyfuk Review

…(sound of feet running)…huff-puff, huff-puff…whew, I think I lost them…huff-puff, huff-puff … I’ll just -SHIT!… Oh, whew! Hey there folks, huff-puff,you startled me, thought you were..huff, someone else! Yer ol’ pal Uncle Grumpyfuk here, just been doing a little jogging, and sprinting, down the street, through the alleyway, down through the hole in the fence and across that sewer pipe, just trying to put as much distance between myself and that angry crowd from that mosque. Can you believe someone had the audacity to spray paint “Gabba, Durka, Hey! You fucking towelheads!” on the front of the building, and around back the scoundrel rendered an illustration of a group of cute little dripping vaginas holding Mohammed prostrate on the ground while the 220 lb. grandpiglet of Arnold from Green Acres ravaged his bleeding bunghole with it’s monstrous curly-cue weenie! (I myself thought that was an excellent observation of reality by the artist,er, vandal!) Now what kind of racist, blasphemous infidel would… (sound of angry voices close by increase in volume then fade into the distance) …would think of such a creative..I mean offensive act! – Sorry about the whispering but ol’ Grumpy’s going to chill in this refrigerator box for a little while until things cool down- I certainly wouldn’t want to be mistaken for the dashing,I mean dastardly villain responsible for such unconscionable vandalism! No siree, these testicles enjoy remaining attached right here!

 
Hmm, well now seems as good a time as any to review another classic piece of cinematic offal from 1977, “Drive-in Massacre” – one of Uncle Grumpyfuk’s many favorites!

 


Now, for you poor unfortunate youngsters who,when growing up, were deprived of enjoying an endangered American institution, the drive-in theatre, to which I can only say, “Ha,ha! It fucking rocked! Woo!” Drive-in theatres were,and the few that remain are, the fucking bomb! Taking in a double-feature of what are now iconic classics of the silver screen, such as “Bloodfeast” and “2000 Maniacs”, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “I Spit on Your Grave”, “Eraserhead” and “Annie Hall”, or on special occasions you’d have film fests which would play until the late hours of the morning. In addition you had the privilege of watching the films in your own. or parents’ vehicle, the bigger the better! Why, you could smuggle in just about anything the imagination could come up with; coolers full of booze, large bags of drugs, at least one member of your party, explosives, movie cameras for filming couples or blackmailing workmates, sigh, what has happened to this poor land?  How many wild smog-outs, popped cherries, murders and other unforgettable memories were made in the parking spaces of the drive-in one can only guess.  However nothing good lasts with the brigades of control-freak do-gooders, fat-fuck cops and military zombies, slimy local politicians and church groups- the true scourge of this land, ready to tear down and destroy what little is left of anything that is truly worth keeping. Let this be a lesson and a message for all of those youths  aspiring to be a member of one of these groups that are responsible for totally fucking up our society and planet with their girly sensitivities and sucker mentalities – Go fucking kills yourselves right now, I mean right now, or join fucking the hari krishnas,they’ll put you in your place. Uncle Grumpyfuk is serious…you think I’m not? …hmm, it smells like spray paint in here…

 

As our film begins with shots and scenes of the drive-in by day, empty, quiet, peaceful, a happy place but the tranquility is broken as the caption appears across the screen, ” On August 10 in a California Drive-in it all began…”, we figure someone got their girlfriend knocked up. As evening closes in the cars full of horny and soon-to-be intoxicated patrons begin to pour in. At the front gate a couple take tickets and the male, a bald guy in a jacket that could only have been worn in the 70s displays a negative vibe towards his young clientelle, go figure!

 
We’re then assaulted by one of the worst movie themes, some warbling hippie sloppily spewing garble about, you know, ‘nothing and everything’, it’s enough to make your teeth hurt, though it would make a good ringtone.  As the spaces fill up we focus on a couple locking lips who actually decide to make a baby there and then, like, intentionally! That might be a first,the intentional part that is.. however before penetration the guy wants to listen to the beginning of the film for some odd reason – maybe listening to Gabby Hayes gives him a hardon or something,I don’t know. As he’s reaching out the window for the speaker which is about 6 ft away, a familiar thing at drive-ins,heh, a hand bearing a sword raises up and flashes down; whoosh, off goes Romeo’s head. His sex-slave inside notices that he suddenly feels 8-10 lbs lighter all of a sudden and wonders if he already shot his load but then sees why. “Not again!!!” she thinks, this being the fourth guy she’s dated that had his head chopped off and she wonders if she’ll EVER have a baby! As she let’s out a shriek of frustration and horror the sword cuts off her scream, literally and she falls partially out of the car, hanging upside down with her life’s blood oozing down her face. Nice touch, I like it!

 

We flash to the police station where a tubby officer reads a novelty newspaper with the headline “Couple slain in Drive-in!” -or something close to that, yer Uncle was momentarily distracted by a sudden methane seapage that went on for several seconds, two belt-holes worth! (Whew, you wouldn’t think Yorkie would be so gamey..burp!) The porcine policeman and his equally stout partner head out to the Drive-in to investigate.

 
When they arrive they talk with the manager Austin Johnson whom the chubby copper’s partner describes as a ‘perfect asshole’, high praise indeed, we’ll certainly have to be the judge of that! Actually he is just that, the actor portraying Austin has the asshole act down perfectly, “So a bunch of horny kids get themselves chopped up by some kook. So what?” … indeed!  He also refers to teenagers as ‘zits with long hair’, I love this guy! Coincidentally he turns out to be the skinhead we saw earlier taking tickets and ragging on the customers- the cool guy, remember? He tells the cops all about what a shitfarm his job and life are, and as they’re about to retreat in revulsion they spot his janitor/security gimp, Gormy. Gormy tells the cops that his friends call him Germy, his friends who were elephants at the carnival that has once stood on the same premises. The fucking elephants called him Germy…oooook. ( circles forefinger around ear) Yeah. We learn ol’ Germy was the geek at the carnival- the brain-stunted individual who knew no shame and would demonstrate it by biting the heads off of snakes, chickens, other small animals, and committing other similar acts of depravity. Ah, the glorious days before PETA… anyway,that was entertainment folks, sigh. He also seconded as the carnival’s sword swallower, heh, no jokes folks, that one is too easy. Now poor Germy is a bit teched in the head after some kind of ‘accident’, we never get a clue on that one dern it! The imagination runs wild.
 

Germy babbles on and on to the cops, unwittingly giving them a few leads and I must say at this point the actor who plays Germy, Douglas Gudbye, I know,I know, anyway he’s really great. He’s got the simpleton act down pat,some really convincing simp acting, bravo. Actually the two actors playing the pigs were also well cast. They looked the part and are very convincing as well, hey, I’m trying to be all critical and shit,right? Uncle Grumpyfuck doesn’t mind giving credit where credit’s due… sometimes! Austin tells the filthy gimp to …whoa*…to get to work, but not before the cops tell Germy it’s cool to be a lousy rat-bastard, “..so squeal on one of the theatre regulars would ya?” Typical.    * (geek + simp = gimp? could that be the origin of the term?!?)

 

   The next night at the crowded theatre we focus on a couple who is arguing in the car – he’s married with kids but he’s knocked up his mistress,so after careful consideration he says “Fuck the wife and kids!” and decides to leave them and go with the mistress. Normally I’d say good choice but she’s knocked up so he’s just jumping from one frying pain into another. Some guys don’t learn,and to think a clothes hanger is all it takes! Little do the couple know however is that in the car next to theirs is a creeper. He squats between the cars and peeps through the window at their sweaty rutting while whacking his porcupine, ye-haw! All of a sudden a sword plunges straight through the couple, through BOTH of them and we think, damn, that’s one strong motherfucker!
         The cops are baffled,naturally, and bring Germy back in for more grilling. He informs them that Austin also used to be a sword/knife man in the carnival and that he enjoyed it as much as he enjoys life in general nowadays. Yeesh. He then squeals and gives the cops the license plate of the creeper so they take off to investigate without giving Germy a single buck or rock of crack for his squealing! What a simp.
  The cops hit the creeper’s pad and put the thumbscrews to him after he acts as nervous and squirrelly as you could want, gotta keep cool in those situation folks! He cracks and admits he’s just a dick jackin’ peeping Tom, you believe it. They find a bloody towel which turns out to be dogs blood and you think damn, homey’s into some fucked up extracurricular activities!
          Back at the drive-in that evening the creeper is back at it, not too bright, and the cops are a-watchin’ from an undercover car, one hilariously in drag! The creeper is watching a couple in the car beside his who are of two different minds; he wants some fucking tail and she wants to watch the movie,gazing lovingly at it like it’s all sweet and romantic when it sounds like “Moonshine Mama”! He heads to the concession stand for some Milk Duds, unable to eat the dud in the car, heh! Too bad, she was totally edible- nice nipple shot there thank you very much!
       The Keystone Law Enforcement Guys get momentarily distracted while the poor guy gets back into the car to find his temperamental girlfriend has lost her head, literally! The cops run over but when they turn to nab the creeper he’s been stabbed too! WTF?!? This killer is slicker than snot! I smell the work of a ninja, Lee Van Cleef must be close.
 BTW, at this point a couple of observations; we’ve seen nothing of the killer that gives us any clue as to their identity and when you think of it there is no lead actor or lead actress, just a bunch of people doing shit, like Seinfeld would have been if it had simply been called ‘Apt. Building Full of Smelly Israelites’.
  Back at the station the piggies are trying to grill Austin but he’s giving them holy hell like a fucking boss! He gives the cops shit about letting 2 murders occur under their very noses, fires Germy on the spot, refuses to close the drive-in, then walks out like Travolta’s homo ass in the beginning of that disco movie he was in… Bee-Gee Bungfest or something like that. Austin is the fucking man my friends! I ever get a license to run that daycare center, I want a manager just like him.
           Next we see poor Germy walking around in friggin’ La-la Land, imagining the bright lights, the happy people, and the other long-gone sights,sounds and smells of the carnival. I mean bro is trippin’ big time! It would have been funny if they’d included a shot of him weaving around the empty parking lot, looking at crap that wasn’t there, running into the speaker poles, ha! You almost feel sorry for the simp…ha,ha,ha,yeah right.
 The cops receive a call that some goofy LARPer has gone amok with his Topaz Sword of Ice, or K-mart machete, depending on your point of view, and is holding a maiden hostage. They head out, assured that this is the culprit…and we see where this is going! Heh-heh-heh! At the warehouse Larry the Cable Guy has had one crappyass American beer too many and tells his cute hostage how he’s going to ‘cut all the meanness out of her’, what a considerate guy! Seriously this guy is deeper into La-la Land that Germy! The girl gets free and hides,the cops arrive and quickly blow his ass away, as if the outcome is ever any different,but then the girl drops the bomb on them – this is her father that just escaped from the nuthouse, wrong guy! Whoopsie-daisy! Well what’s one less fruitcake in California,right? Right.
           They then head back to the drive-in and arrive just in time to see,on the screen, the gigantic silhouette of Austin getting stabbed and then one little hack, two little hacks and three,off goes the head, very creative and such an easy effect! The hysterical ticket girl tells them Austin and Germy are inside,they burst in to see the mangled body of Austin which causes them all to laugh and laugh and laugh! So long asshole! They kick in the door of the other room only to find Germy has been hacked up as well,with no one else in the building, no other way out and… that’s it! The end! No murderer or anything, just a caption telling of other similar instances of drive-in murders across the country and then the manager’s voice comes over the loudspeaker and tells that there’s a murderer in the theatre now! Run!!! …yeah…. Fuck I love this film, if you don’t you’re more retarded than Germy.
 Well things have been quiet for a good while now so Uncle Grumpyfuk is going to chance heading back to the hacienda. I’ve got the trusty brass knucks and bear mace just in case I run into trouble so we’ll see you next time folks, take care!
07
Jan
12

Night Caller (1976): The Life of The Long Distance Pervert

a Primal Root written review

Have you ever been the victim of an obscene phone call? To be honest, I never have. But, then again, I am a rather beefy guy in his late 20’s and I’m probably the last person on prospective pervert’s hit list.  Honestly, I would probably end up on a pervert watch list before I was ever a victim of such shenanigans, but I digress.  IF I ever were ever the victim of an obscene caller I’m sure I would be fascinated to hear the life story of the person whispering dirty, lustful phrases into my ear  while the  sound of  lubed up wang-doodle stroking slaps about faintly in  he background over the phone line.  Forget the story of Martin Luther King Jr. or Abraham Lincoln, tell me the story of this heavy breathing, faceless, sexual deviant!

Our film begins with Robert (David Book) rolling out of bed, checking the time, and then going to his apartment window to peep on the couple in the building right across from him. The lovers engages in some hardcore 70’s sex, with pounds of heavy pubic coverage, odd usage of hair during oral sex where the guy rubs his shaggy head of hair against his lover’s muff in what comes off looking more like a blind man having lost his way to the vagina than resembling anything even remotely erotic, and a sudden INTENSE difference in this guys erection size. My only guess is that someone slid a stunt cock in there at one point or another… Robert watches, chaffs the carrot, and becomes obsessed…

Over the course of the film we learn Robert harbors incestuous feelings for his Mother and sister . He thinks back to two memories in particular while in the company of a very bored prostitute with intense grandma hair.  One features his sister, who catches him peeping, and then allows him to fondle her while asking him if he thinks she’s attractive and if he likes her “tits”. The other is of his topless mother, (again) catching him peeping, who berates him, topless, as he stares at her “cratch” and impressively proportioned  boobs that bounce around freely as she shakes her finger at him hollering “You’re a bad boy! What am I going to do?” The answer? Repeat those two lines for ten minutes while remaining topless and allowing your son to continue to ogle your lady flesh.  It’s excitement by repetition for young Robert and it seems to have left a lasting impression.

The bulk of the film is made up of Robert fooling around with prostitutes and harassing his voluptuous red-headed neighbor Carol (Monique Starr) via uninspired sleazy talk over the phone.  It’s never really made clear as to why he latches onto this neighbor, which could have easily been justified in the story if she even remotely resembled the Mother or Sister he lusted over in flashback, but that’s apparently not the case here.  It seems he is only obsessed with her because…she’s there and answers the phone.  The creators of the film obviously spent a little bit of time trying to create a somewhat realistic, believable,  character out of Robert but some of the dots just don’t connect.

By film’s end Robert manages to con his way into Carol’s life through feigned car troubles, a lunch date and then offering to come over to protect her from the  terrible voice on the phone.  It’s “Night Callers” central relationship/plot point, and one that was in dire need of more attention within the story. But, I guess that’s the short fall of most pornographic films that strive to meld with another genre. The story has to be put on hold repeatedly in order for a scene of intense genital penetration and cock gobbling may be inserted. (pun intended?) The central growing relationship between Robert and Carol is mostly left by the way side with little development and depressingly falls back on the old thriller convention of the damsel in distress being dumb as a sack of used prophylactics. It makes no sense that Robert can weasel his way into Carol’s life with with such incredible ease! Especially when she’s in such a huff over the Night Caller.

Night Caller does offer up some cool surprises, my favorite of which is a little diversion, where we are introduced to a blonde, husky- voiced character named Helen, whom Robert has called in he hopes of overhearing some good jerk-off material. Helen is framed in a very tight close-up of her face as the scene commences only to pull back and reveal that Helen is, in fact, a man in drag, and is getting head from a female dressed up as a man.  It’s the most intriguing and inventive scene of a film filled with rather generic material. It continues into a relatively well shot sex scene and ends with dual money shots (!!!) as Helen cums not once, but twice, in a period of about 3 minutes.  Not only this, but Helen’s partner, after a lengthy period of tit fucking, holds Helen’s cock in her hand and takes the first of his load up her nose (on accident) and then aims Helen’s tool right at her eye and takes his second blast of chunky dick snot (which looks to be the bulk) right in her eyes! It’s a painful (and hilarious) moment for the viewer and it must have been pretty tough for actress  Laura Bond as well, whose expression is one of annoyance, agony and “Fuck, why did I just point this thing right at my eyes?” I guess when you’re suffocating on a porn load that just shot up your nasal cavity, you aren’t thinking clearly anymore.

My biggest gripe with this film is the damn score by Richard Silsby.  I’m not sure what they were thinking but it the score consists of droning noises and repetitive minor chords that give every single sex scene a sad, creepy, monotonous tone. I understand, this is a sad kind of thriller, but for crying out loud nothing makes a fuck scene more boring than this crap! Give it a listen and I am sure you’ll agree. One interesting thing I noticed was how one of the riffs in the score sounded remarkably similar to the JAWS theme…

The story of Night Caller isn’t exactly a pleasant one and the whole thing will leave most viewers feeling sad, scared and dirty in a way they had no intended. It’s kind of like Taxi Driver if it were all a bout a chronic masterbator who wanted to fuck his Mom and ended up living out a rape fantasy rather than “saving” a young Jodie Foster. Despite the shortcomings in the script, score and cinematography, Night Caller tries hard to deliver more than just your run of the mill porn film.  It’s certainly different and presents some bold and intriguing ideas that are sure to hit a few nerves and make more than couple viewers squirm in their seats.

Night Caller was a film made early in the cannon of both writer Dean Rogers and legendary porn director Anthony Spinelli. Testing the waters here, the two would go on to create such classics as “Nothing to Hide”, “Skin on Skin”, “Talk Dirty to Me” and  “Revenge of the Pussy Suckers from Mars”.  Spinelli had over one hundred films to his credit before passing away in May of 2000 at the age of  73. The man’s legacy speaks for itself.

Night Caller is a greasy, creeper of a flick. Certainly not for the casual purveyor for Trash and Sleaze Cinema. However, if you are looking for one dark, oddball XXX film that will have you feeling filthy in no time, I cannot recommend Night Caller enough!

Stay Trashy!

-Root

19
Nov
11

Silent Night, Deadly Night and the Black Elephant Holiday Gift Exchange: A Trash Cinema Event!

“You see Santa Claus tonight you better run boy, you better run for ya life!” – Grandpa, Silent Night, Deadly Night

Hey Gang,

Christmas comes early this year and YOU are invite to Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack at 325 N. Bronough Street, Tallahassee, Florida 32301 on December 3rd 2011 for a 10pm screening of Silent Night, Deadly Night and our very first Black Elephant Holiday Gift Exchange!



It’s your pal, The Primal Root, and it is my pleasure to announce that after a long, grueling beat down of a poll over what film would be shown on our upcoming Trash Cinema Night the victor is…the brutal, bloody, dark comic classic of Christmas time child abuse, neglect and abject violence, it’s 1984’s controversial, banned and hated slasher flick, SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT!

Join Billy as he’s terrorized, tortured, tormented and transformed into a brutal Yule Tide killing machine taking dead aim at all the naughty folks stealing sleds, making the sign of the double backed mud weasel atop Mom and Dad’s billiard table, and singing Christmas carols while shitfaced.

It’s a harrowing and often darkly hilarious journey through a gore drenched winter’s wonderland as misunderstood, neglected and brutalized orphan, Billy, succumbs to his mental anguish and decides to go all vengeful Chris Kringle on his little town;s ass! But will Sister Margaret be able to stop him in time to save Christmas and stop the cycle of violence?

Join us for Trash Cinema Night’s at Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster shack on December 3rd and find out! This is an 18+ show due to violent and disturbing images involving Santa Claus. Oh yeah, worse still, there are some naked female breasts. :/

BLACK ELEPHANT HOLIDAY GIFT EXCHANGE!: Also, before we get to the movie we will be doing the Black Elephant Holiday Gift Exchange! Everyone who’s interested in participating should bring in ONE TRASHY GIFT wrapped to put under the tree. We will all draw numbers out of a hat to see who gets to pick what. 😀 Your gift need not be expensive but it certainly needs to be Trashy.

AS ALWAYS NO COVER CHARGE!

Just come on in to Bird’s, warm up with a shot of Dickel’s Whiskey, grab a juicy burger cooked to your specifications and with your desired toppings (You gotta try it with banana, peanut butter, bacon and cheddar. You can thank me later.) and get into the cynical, disillusioned holiday spirit!

And remember, Santa’s watching…

Stay Trashy

-Root




Dumpster Diving

Categories