WHEW! Sorry about the wait! It’s been a crazy few months since I last reported back to you with a Rotten Review. I never expected for things to get crazier than they did when I reviewed From Beyond and accidentally went dimension hopping with a tentacle sporting dominatrix chick, learning the fine art of optical cavity oral sex, battling tentacle creatures from Hell and stimulating my pineal gland…All Root ever wanted was a quiet evening behind the purple counter at Tallahassee’s last standing video rental store, Video 21.
Alas, I soon realized as I always do, there is NEVER a quiet night when there’s Trash Cinema to be watched. So, in the latest Rotten Review adventure, prompted by a strange customer clad in nothing but a chain mail banana hammock and a double bladed axe, I decided to check out an all time favorite, low rent, down and dirty, sword and sorcery, blood soaked, magic fueled, TnA heavy pieces of Trash Cinema Gold, 1983’s ‘Deathstalker’!
So come along with me and let’s check out some of our Trash cinema heritage and try to survive a little bit of spacial displacement. It’s all in a days work for The Primal Root! Prepare yourself for: Mutant Beatles, people so sweaty they look like glazed doughnuts, multiple molestations, topless large breasted sword fighting, simultaneously funny and disturbing gender bending, giant pig monsters, lots of wrastling, homoerotic overtones, hardcore parties, bloody Mortal Kombat, bitter filthy Muppets in caves and that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head as I recuperate! And what would a Trash Cinema event be if you didn’t make some new friends? And, holy cow, did I make some incredibly sexy, and brutal ones this time out!
So, without any further a due, I present to you the latest exploits of your buddy Root in The Primal Root’s Rotten Reviews Episode 25: Deathstalker!
Dear Mistress Barbie: My name is Jason and I feel I always have to hide my true self. I hide behind masks to disguise the person I have become. As a lonely hermit, I am quickly angered when people disturb me. The worst part is my controlling mother who is always nagging me and it’s driving me crazy. It seems like I am so unlucky, like every day is one long Friday the 13th. Sometimes I walk along Camp Crystal Lake to try to clear my head but often end up taking my rage out on the people around me. Blaming others for my life problems seem to be better then accepting the truth. I try to find creative ways to express my anger but others are not always as appreciative of my ability to slash through my problems. Often I feel lifeless and realize there are no words that will let me forget or make any of the things I feel go away. I have gone to hell and back trying to keep my secrets buried but they will not stay dead. The terrible nightmares I have keep me up at night. It’s almost like I am controlled by the demons in my dreams in which I have to fight for control.
– MAMA’S BOY IN CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE
DEAR MAMA‘S BOY:
A mask is something we are not born with and those who decide to put one on comprise their own humanity. You do not want to be just another man in a mask. Save the mask for Halloween and get over your social phobias. Taking your frustrations out on the world is not going to fix the problems you have with your mom. It is time to examine your superstitious behavior and listen to the inner voices that are reinforcing them so you can see it as a sign that there is a problem in your life. You need to sit down with your mom and tell her how your special bond is making you psycho. Solve your problems instead of slicing them into submission! The energy you are spending to hide your secrets is slowly sucking the life out of you. The demons in your nightmare will only be as real as you make them. Only you can solve the puzzle box that you have enclosed yourself in and escape your condemnation of hell.
Oh boy, Friday the 13th Part 3 is really a mixed bag of trash goodies. It was the 1983 film that ushered in the brief Reagan era 3-D craze. And ever since it’s theatrical run, until recently, every copy you came across was the 2-D version so there’s dozens of shots where things like poles, snakes and eyeballs come lunging at the camera. Seeing this movie for the first time on Cinemax when I was all of 12 in an age before the internet was widely available I had no idea this was originally shot in 3-D and thought it was the weirdest damn thing I’d ever seen. Was this some filmmaking technique I’d never heard of? Why the hell are so many of these shots from the victims perspective? Why is EVERYTHING lit?
Of course, now I own a copy that includes the 3-D gimmick, but I still prefer watching this sucker in 2-D. It’s just so much more fun. And less headache inducing.
But a film should be judged on it’s storytelling merit rather than how well the gimmick works and Friday the 13th part 3 feels a little off kilter as an entry in the original 4 part series of Friday films. And this begins right out of the gate with Harry Manfedini’s retooling of his affective trademark score into a catchy disco track which plays over popping 3-D credits. This does not evoke any kind of dread but it sure does make me want to shake my booty. Not exactly what I was expecting going into a Friday the 13th flick.
The Heart Warming "Shitting" Scene.
Picking up hours after the events of Friday the 13th part 2 this film features a new, drastically different looking Jason. No longer a slim, hairy, sack headed redneck, J-Man has at some point that day shaved, changed clothes and pounded some weight gain shakes as to be more formiddable this time around. Jason is fucking BUILT in this installment and looks like he could pick you up and break you in half over his knee. Quite a change from the string bean Jason of Part 2.
Anyway, after stalking and murdering the most disgusting white trash couple in Friday the 13th history (yes, even more so than Ethel & Son in Part 5. At least we didn’t have to watch them take a graphically noisy shit.) who wonder around their home and general store as the evening news reports on the events of the previous film (they mention the victims being killed by an “axe wielding maniac” though Jason never uses that particular tool in Part 2. Just sayin…) and provide a little peek into their generally sad and desperate existence. Then they are both killed. It’s a cathartic moment.
Thank you, movie!
The next day we are introduced to our new cast of machete fodder. There’s Debbie and Andy, our fun loving couple who really enjoy fucking. They enjoy it so much, in fact, Debbie is established as being in the early stages of pregnancy. Now that’s an unusual bit of character development. There’s Shelly, our obligatory practical joker and douche bag extrordinare. And behind the wheel of the Scooby Van transporting our motley Crew is female lead, Chris, who may as well do a take to the camera and introduce herself as the final girl.
They pick up their Hispanic friend Vera who looks pretty Caucasian to me. Anyway, as they pick her up it looks as if the Scooby Van has spontenaously combust as smoke bellows out the open windows. Upon closer inspection it’s just their hippie stoner friends, Chuck and Chili, in the back sucking on their bongs.
"What's a weekend in the country without sex?" Andy asks a profound question in Friday the 13th Part 3.
Our band of misfits are heading to Chris’s Father’s cabin, Higgins’ Haven, out near Crystal Lake. They arrive and Chris is grabbed by the throat and pushed up agaisnt a wall by Rick, her tool of a…boyfriend? Fuck buddy? Perverted brother? Who, when Chris screams and runs away from the giant lug exclaims, “Did it get cold in here or is it just me?” What a charmer. Girls throw themselves at assholes like this nowadays. Just take a look at the Friday the 13th remake!
Later, Shelly and Vera incure the wrath of a trio of bikers (two of which are BLACK and have speaking roles! Another series first.) who manage to track them back to Higgins’ Haven and ratchet up our victim pool to 11. The bikers are all killed under the cover of mid-afternoon in the Higgins’ Haven barn s they attempt to burn it down. By nightfall, we join up with Chris and Rick as she describes a horrifying encounter she had with a giant behemoth in the woods with a head like a melted Milk Dud that took place a couple summers ago. Jason stalked and attacked Chris in the woods, but the strange thing is, no one knows anything about Jason in this flick. In fact, his name isn’t even mentioned. Not once in the entirety of the part 3. This adds to the slightly obtuse feeling of this third entry.
On tonight's episode of, "OUCH! My Balls!"
Soon, all our leads begin dying. Shelly puts the moves on Vera to no availe so he decides to jump out of the lake at her with a spear gun while wearing a hockey mask. Believe it or not, this also fails to make Vera want to have sex with him. Shelly goes off to pout and get slit open thereby giving Jason his now infamous hockey mask. Vera is speared in the eye by Jason in a scene that showcases the INCREDIBLE 3-D effects. Andy gets chopped down through the genital zone as he does a head stand (YOWZA!) and his baby’s Momma gets impaled through the back after an nearly nipless shower scene. Later Chuck gets thrown into a fuse box and Chili gets impaled with a fire place poker. I’m not sure if there’s another Friday the 13th film that’s so remarkably heavy on females being fully impaled on phallic objects. This is another weird strange moment that sets this sucker apart from the litter. For better or for worse.
Eventually Chris and Rick make it back to the cabin to find it in disarray and no one around. Rick goes out to investigate and gets his beefy, uber masculine head popped like a zit by Jason sending his eyeball soaring towards the audience in what might possibly be the the single most knee slappingly funny death in the series. Rick is such a jackass it’s truly a pleasure to watch this happen. In fact, this is probably the first film in the franchise where the majority of the characters are unlikable dickheads. The only characters I even kind of sort of care about are Debbie and Andy and you know they are meat grinder ready the second you lay eyes on them. they like to have sex, are nice people, and they both look good without their shirts. The rest of the characters are all self centered jerks who no one in the audience can be compelled to root for. It’s a tradition the Friday the 13th franchise would carry on from part 3 to the bitter end and rebirth in 09.
Rick's got an eye on you. I'll be here all week.
Chris eventually finds herself all alone against a powerful wind storm that has erupted outside, blowing open doors and windows and causing her to cry and scream like a baby. She cries out for Rick’s help because she can’t close windows by herself. Rick pops up as his corpse is cartapulted through the living room window and Jason makes his grand entrance.
Now it’s on.
Chris and Jason run about the property as she knocks him on the noggin’ with logs, trips over rocks and drops from a rafter temporarily knocking Jason out with her ass. It’s one of the more ludicrous final girl chases in the series and therefore one of the funniest.
Jason shortly after Chris's patented Ass Attack. A move never performed again in the Friday the 13th series.
Eventually Chris gets the upper hand and sinks an axe into Jason’s melon sized cranium which puts him down for this outing. Chris then goes canoeing into Crystal Lake where she is haunted by nightmares of Jason and is then attacked by…Mrs. Voorhees? Who rises from the bottom of Crystal Lake, head reattached, grabs chris by her tits and pulls her overboard. Not since the end of Jason Takes Manhattan have I offered such an enthusiastic WTF? What the hell just happened?
Whether it truly happened or it’s another hallucinatory nightmare is never explained as Chris is lead to the back of a police cruiser and looks to have completely lost her fucking mind. It’s not a great way to end the movie but it is an ending…I guess.
Mrs. Voorhees' attack prompts an O-Face from Chris.
With Friday part 3 the series really figured out what worked. Young people and edged weapons. If we have these two elements fans will return. It’s one of the clunkiest entries in the series and it shows. The whole movie feels as if it were just thrown together haphazardly with little to no forethought.
But this weirdness, this lack of attention to GIANT plot holes and simply tossing out huge chunks of character development that are addressed and then never ever resolved or mentioned again, kind of hysterical in a mind bogglingly moronic sort of way. In a franchise not known for it’s intellectual attributes Friday the 13th part 3 is among the dumbest in the series.
It’s big, it’s dumb and it’s intensely trashy. It’s my least favorite of the pre-Resurrected Jason films but it’s still a damn good bit of fun. The lackluster 2-D, 3-D, gimmicks go a long way to making this entry a laugh riot.
Jason just took a trip to Manhattan where he was melted into a little boy and was then sold by his handlers at Paramount to New Line Cinema…now what can we do with him? Let’s send that Mama’s boy straight to Hell!
Our man in Crystal Lake had been pulverising teenagers for well over a decade by the time Jason Goes to Hell was released in 1993. He’d been on countless misadventures, he’s battled telekentic teenagers, taken a trip to Manhatten, battled Corey Feldman and even been killed and brought back to life several times! Jason Goes to Hell is the 9th story of Jason Voorhees, and let’s face it, things had gotten a little tired. Four years had passed since Paramount’s strange choice of a franchise swan song, Jason Takes Manhattan, was released and now New Line wanted a shot at making some cash off this monster and bring the audience something different.
"mother..."
And holy shit, they made something different all right. The film features Jason being killed within the first 15 minutes when a swat team goes undercover, draws him out and then sprays him wth automatic fire power and drops two nukes on him. No, it’s not a short film. Jason’s meaty chunks are collected and sent to a coroner who makes some wise cracks about how many bullets he’s been hit with and how dead as shit Jason is.
Then it gets weird.
Jason’s over sized heart (awww) starts beating, hypnotizes the coroner who then decides it would be a great idea to chow down on this goopy purplish black mass of nasty. Once finished, some fairy sparkles shoot out of Jason’s chunks and into the coroner leaving him possessed by the evil spirit of Jason…or, something like that.
Jason's heart typically serves 3 to 4.
Possessing a new meat suit Jason heads back to the Crystal Lake area to find some relatives so he can be reborn. But this time, there’s a reward on his head offered up by a sleazy Inside Edition style show, and there’s one of the greatest badass characters to ever grace the series who answers the call. Mr. Creighton Duke (Steven Williams).
"She's only your girl 'cause she ain't had a taste of The Duke yet."
This guy is the epitome of cool. He’s a bounty hunter who’s been chasing Jason for years. I imagine, from the shadows, because we’ve never known about this guy till this 9th Jason film. Still, Duke is an imposing, powerful character and is one of touted as being one of the greatest professional bounty hunters of all time. He knows everything about Jason Voorhees– what he is, what drives his evil, and most importantly, how to stop the madness once and for all. This is hinted at as he gives a Quint from JAWS inspired speech on TV. “I’ll get you the mask, the machete, the whole damn thing.” This guy is fucking cool as ice cold.
Jason Goes to Hell is one of the most complex, confusing and rule heavy films ever made within the slasher sub genre. In this movie Jason may only be reborn through a Voorhees. He may only be killed by a Voorhees. But not just any Voorhees, one using the super magic dagger…um, and Jason’s gotta keep hoping from body to body until he gets to a Voorhees because only Voorhees bodies can withstand that kind of evil very long without melting into what looks like liquidy pools of Hubba-Bubba bubble gum.
Jason Goes to Hell: Where Delicious and Disgusting Collide!
It’s all kind of ridiculous and overly complicated but I do give the young team of filmmakers who put Jason Goes to Hell together kudos for having the brass balls to make something so drastically different from the rest of the series that it was almost destined to be universally loathed by fans. I mean, you take Jason out of the movie, you introduce a ton of rules and mythology that was never even whispered about before along with Voorhees family blood lines that no one knew even existed and what do you expect?
But for me, I like those aspects.
The film, in it’s unrated form, has some of the most gruesome deaths the franchise has ever witnessed and some much appreciated extended gratuitous nudity…which of course, leads to a brutal blood caked gut crunching death scene. As Jason stalks the abandoned woods of Crystal Lake he comes up a trio of campers two of which are enjoying some unprotected sex in their tent. As our cowgirl reaches her climax Jason stakes her all the way through her back, out the solar plexus and then rips her in half in and lengthwise with his spike. It’s a Ménage à trois Jason style! It’s one death scene that delivers and then some.
Swingers beware! Casual sex with Jason = BAD IDEA
It has the feel of a high budget fan made sequel where someone came up with some of their own answers as to why Jason is who he is. Sure, Jason Goes to Hell isn’t a very well made film but it’s by far and away the most unique and original entry in the series. No one can argue that statement. It’s like nothing that came before and it’s like nothing that comes afterwards. It’s reviled by many of the franchise devotees and appreciated by some of us. Taking a chance with something so popular takes courage and I cannot help but find that admirable. Jason Goes to Hell might not be among the best the series has to offer but it’s definitely one of most interesting.
As you know, this month holds a special place in this Trash Collector’s heart, for it brings us the 30th anniversary of the launch of one of the most prolific trash cinema horror franchises in history, Friday the 13th. And what better way to get the blood spattering off to an awesome start than with this gorgeous and blisteringly sexy set from the Trash Cinema Collective’s very good friend, Mrs. Stray.
These pictures are just beautiful. It almost makes the Legend of Camp Blood read like a fairy tale.
A lonely, day dreaming counselor at Camp Crystal Lake wasting her day away by the Lake’s placid shores. An undead, decayed murderous mongoloid spending an unending lifetime hunting down those who wonder into his woods. Two lonely souls both looking for something more on this…Friday the 13th.
Enjoy the gore soaked second half of The Primal Root’s Top 13 Kills of Friday the 13th Countdown. In the first installment we went over my picks for top 13-7 and in this episode we will discuss my top 6. Just click on the Friday the 13th poster below.
Hey gang! It’s The Primal Root here welcoming you to the Trash Cinema Collective’s very own blog. Check in every so often as I weigh in on Trash Cinema, bring you news and updates and rant about all things trashtastic.
Also, if you are a member of Facebook, be sure to join our Trash Cinema Collective group to get in on our field trips, screenings and parties.
Also, we’re starting our own web series where I will review and dissect a different Trash Cinema classic every month. Here’s out very first episode of The Primal Root’s Rotten Reviews where I count down my Top 13 Kills of Friday the 13th. This is the first half, where I list my picks for numbers 13-7. Check it out and let me know what you think. Just Click on the Friday the 13th poster below.
trashcinemacollective.com 