Posts Tagged ‘Jason X


Drive Angry, That Old Drive-In Spirit

a Primal Root Written Review

“I could shoot you in the throat and watch you gurgle as I eat my morning grapefruit.” – Jonah King, Drive Angry

I was only recently even made aware of this theatrically released cheese-ball action flick after someone sent me the red band trailer. I saw cars, explosions, fights, tits, guns and Nicolas Cage, a man whose acting prowess I have come to dislike so much and whose choices of acting roles perplex me so that he has become a bit of a cult icon to me. And all of these elements were rolled in to bizarre concoction entitled Drive Angry. And this sucker was going to be in 3D. I was sold.

As I looked intot he film more I realized this flick is a collaboration between the same writer and director who brought us the tons of fun 3D schlock fest, My Blood Valentine 3D, Todd Farmer and Patrick Lussier. Sure, Todd Farmer also wrote Jason X which sucks cocks in Hell and, let’s face it, My Bloody Valentine isn’t much more than the sum of it’s assemblage of cool gore effects…

But Drive Angry promises something totally different. It’s not a remake or a sequel to a well established horror franchise. This is something else entirely. It’s an original film that works as hellishly fun tip of the hat the the very best of cheap-o 42nd street cinema and late 80’s action extravaganzas. It’s like a Frankenstein monster assembled from still very entertaining and classic parts from favorite cult hits from years gone by. There’s badass fight scenes.greasy spoon diners populated by gross, touchy feely chefs and foul mouthed flirty waitresses. Hardcore Hotrods. Blood drenched shoot outs. A tough as nails chick who knows how to fight like a tigress. A quiet stranger dressed in black that everyone wants dead. Tons of nudity and a fucking brilliant sex shoot out scene that plays like the similar scene from 07;s Shoot ‘Em Up on Jolt Cola.  And even a satanic cult led by a molesty, necrophiliac, baby killing, scumbag sans penis played by Bella’s Dad from the Twilight series.

Someone did not put the bunny back in the box.

Our film is the story of a vengeance seeking father by the name of Milton ( Nic Cage) who has escaped from Hell to avenge the murder of her daughter and save his grand child from the satanic cult who killed her lead by the villainous Jonah King (Billy Burke). He gains the help of a young woman named Piper (Amber Heard) who is a force to reckoned with as illustrated after she finds her fiance fucking a skank in their stink hole apartment. The duo head south to Louisiana where the final showdown awaits, all the while, having to duck the authorities lead by Cap (Tom Atkins, a true Trash Cinema Legend in top form here.) as well as a smooth talking, sharply dressed supernatural force known as The Accountant (played by a scene stealing William Fichtner) who might be one of the coolest anti-heroes in recent memory.

The Accountant: Redefining awesome on a scene by scene basis.

Drive Angry has it all and, man, it’s just so goddamn tasty. It’s jam packed with that old Drive-In spirit fueled by excess and meaning to do nothing more than deliver the goods and entertain it’s audience at any cost. There is something to be admired in a film that enjoys delivering the filthy, blood smeared goods without making fun of itself or those of us who love this type of flick with every faint beat of or twisted black little hearts.  And after all the thought provoking and well made films of the Award season releases,  I have to admit, it’s a load of fun to simply switch the old gray matter on cruise control and take a trip with a guilty pleasure to most like Drive Angry.

As a matter of fact, yes, she knows how to use them.

Trust me, if you enjoy the kind of films that were once readily available as double and triple bills decades earlier when you could enjoy cinema under the stars, this film is something you will eat up like so much buttery, salty concession stand popcorn. Not since Piranha 3D and Machete have I had this kind of fun at the movies.

And yes, the film does give a Special Thanks to Bill Murray and Punxsutawney Phil in the end credits.

I would gladly come back fom Hell for Ms. Amber Heard.

Stay Trashy,

-The Primal Root


Jason X or In Space No One Can Sense My Shame

a Primal Root review

Space. The final frontier and the dumping ground for what seems like every washed up boogieman passed his prime. Pinhead’s been there. Critters have been there. The fucking Leprachaun has been there. Now it’s poor ol’ Jason Voorhees’ turn to take that fateful journey beyond the stars into cinema far worse than just about all of 80’s franchsie entries combined.

I can’t stand Jason X. I may be in the minority among Friday the 13th fans, but I just think this movie stinks. The Friday the 13th series isn’t one well known for it’s original concepts or groundbreaking stories. But when you take a concept that revolves around an undead killer who stalks about a summer camp killing off teenagers and occasionally taking boat rides to Manhattan  and mix it with a sleek, futuristic, sci-fi element you’re going to have trouble. These are two genres that don’t work well together. It’s like making a sequel to Deliverance and placing the hillbilly rapists on the Starship Enterprise. Yes, it’s that stupid.

Now,  there was the off chance it could possibly work. If you were to take the whole premise and all of the characters seriously. Instead, our cast of victims are all self aware, post modern horror teen hipsters. That’s right, they quip witty jokes and use self referential humor as their friends and hacked to death or scenes could be building some kind of suspense.

If I’m watching the upteenth sequel to a well worn horror franchise, please, allow the viewers to make the jokes. This is part of the enjoyment of seeing these films with a rowdy crowd on a Friday night. Everyone is open to a good joke. The perfectly timed quip can bring an entire house down with laughter.

These guys know what I'm talking about.

Now, when the film tries to make fun of itself, that’s where you run into trouble. Especially when the jokes are lamer than Jay Leno’s.  A girl is being sucked into the cold, sure death vortex of space through a small hole in her ship’s ruptured hull. Rather than scream and plead to be saved she instead pulls together all her comedic gusto and spouts the comic gem, “This sucks on so many different levels!”


Wait, is she talking about her imminent demise or Jason X in general?

This is probably my main gripe with the movie. This Scream-esque, post-modern comedy schtick doesn’t work very well in this format. In a strange way, these films are far funnier when they are taking the proceedings seriously. I doubt Rick’s 3-D popping eyeball would be half as funny if someone on screen was like: ” Rick always wanted me to call it the one eyed monster!”

Beyond that the film has one good kill (Liquid Nitrogen Face Crush) and a cool idea in the upgraded uber Jason who looks a lot like Lord Zed from Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.

It was the first film in the series to look as if it were made to be direct to video. Even when I watched it in the theater on opening weekend I couldn’t help but notice how cheap it all looked. It has the feel of a second rate Sci-Fi, er…excuse me, SYFY Channel original movie.

For my money, the best moment in the entire film comes when Jason enters a holodeck where one of our victims uses the technology to materalize Camp Crystal Lake around him. It’s the only segment in the film that feels anything like a Friday the 13th movie. Seeing Jason at his old stomping grounds, no matter how fake or fleeting, warms this horror nerd’s heart. It makes me realize how much I wish he were back on earth, present day, destroying teeny boppers. Sadly, the end of the scene is a lame attempt to outdo the fan favorite sleeping bag death from Friday the 13th part VII: The New Blood. I know many fans find this moment incredible. I can’t help but roll my eyes and wish for  more.

If only the whole movie could have been this awesome.

What amazes me is that at the brain storming session for future Jason Voorhees films, when someone threw out the idea “Jason in Space!” why was that person not immediately fired? How did this whole fiasco get greenlit, financed, written and produced? It’s a shock to the system that it ever happened.

Jason X is a lame movie that tries way to hard. Scream 3 should have put an end to te post-modern slasher craze. Maybe it was simply the coffin and Jason X was the bloated, maggot eaten corpse of a used up, shitty fad.

Dumpster Diving