a Don’t Feed the Dead review

Titties.

In a word, that sums up the latest offering from Alexandre Aja, Pirahna 3D. Titties, with a little bit of fish sprinkled in. Sounds like a fine stew, doesn’t it? You weren’t expecting a serious horror movie, were you? Neither was I, when I hit the midnight showing for this fine film. Pirahna 3D delivers a hefty dose of blood, breasts and CGI in the latest and greatest technology to sweep Hollywood. In all honesty, the film was a good time if taken for what it was, a campy remake of a campy late 70’s horror flick.

The film opens with a sequence showing the cameo-riffic Richard Dreyfuss aboard the S.S. “Dead Jobber”. He, like every retiree in lake country is dropping a line and drinking a cold brew. Suddenly, he gets a bite and next thing you know – seismic event of ungodly proportions! The fragile fault line that Lake Victoria sits on opens up to create a massive whirlpool, which begins to suck down Dreyfuss and his six pack. Suddenly, from the deep, a school of pre-historic piranha emerge and engulf Dreyfuss’ flailing body in a frenzy. Cue opening credits.

Lake Victoria is a spring break kind of town, where all the hot, young college students go to party – like Lake Havasu, but fake. The town is overflowing with topless twenty-somethings and awful dance music. We’re introduced to the movie’s protagonist, Jake (Steven R. McQueen), a nerd on a scooter that has a thing for a girl who’s involved with a douchebag boyfriend that drives a Jeep Wrangler. Welcome back, horror stereotypes. Where have you been? Jake is the son of the town sheriff, played by Elizabeth Shue, who is off preparing for crowd control during the town’s busiest week. Unfortunately for Sheriff Shue, she has to search for Richard Dreyfuss’ missing ass and a team of geological experts are coming in to study the recent seismic activity.

Long story short, Shue finds Dreyfuss’ carcass and the team of geological experts discover that the fault created by the seismic activity connects Lake Victoria to an underground cave that houses the nasty little piranha. All hell breaks loose on the lake, and in a series of events the audience bares witness to some of the oddest aquatic titty scenes ever. Ever wondered what a parasailor’s tits looked like as they fluttered through the water? Me either. But now I know! Creepy operatic lesbian underwater encounter? Coming at ya! Eli Roth MC’ng a wet t-shirt contest and coming up with every metaphor for boobs known to man? Check!

I won’t lie and tell you that Pirahna 3D has “edge of the seat” moments, or even jump scenes in the movie. It’s not scary, nor is it intended to be (I sure hope not, at least). It is, however, a highlight reel of special effects, both CGI and legit make-up FX work. KNB shows off all their amazing work in this film and proves again why they are top notch in the world of horror special effects. Limbs get gnawed to nothing, bodies tear and fall apart and there a even a few NC-17 type surprises in store for the more hardcore viewers. No secret, the money for this film was most certainly spent on entertaining the eyes.

As for the acting, think SyFy original movie with some B-list accreditation. I wasn’t expecting a whole lot from a cast that features Elizabeth Shue, Ving Rhames, Jerry O’Connell and Christopher Lloyd. O’Connell and Lloyd were pretty damn funny, but for the most part Shue and Rhames could have been replaced by the Quiznos Kittens and I wouldn’t have really noticed. Would a cast of A-listers have made the film that much better? Probably not. I don’t think Aja was shooting for a Criterion edition of the film down the line.

Overall, Pirahna 3D was a good time, not a great time. It’s one of those movies that would have been (and will be) marginal in 2D format, and certainly a film that will ultimately serve as an appetizer for better made 3D endeavors (I’m looking at you, Jackass 3D and RE: Afterlife!). You get more than your fair share of boobies and blood, but ultimately the film comes down to a whole lotta style and very little substance. Stock Up: Horny Teenage Boys, Virgins and Jerry O’Connell enthusiasts. Stock Down: Christian Moralists, Heavy Thinkers and people with Ichthyophobia.