Archive for the 'Cyber Slasher Reviews' Category


The Vulture’s Eye: A Cyber Slasher Review

Vulture’s Eye – hemorrhaging horny hounds on horses!

Review by: Ryan D. Libbert


          vultures_eye1  A headache, upset stomach, bad posture and a possible erection is all that is in store for those brave and or dim-witted enough to view the 2004 straight-to-convention vendor-release known as The Vulture’s Eye.


            An unknown amateur by the name of Frank Sciurba writes and directs this strange and awful tale through the grainy lens of what I assume is a home movie camera typically found in a pawn shop or mom and dad’s closet.


            The poor video quality laced loosely with agonizing audio (music, dialogue, and sound effects alike) does little to distract from what is already a confusing and vomit-inducing storyline.


            The plot opens by introducing Lucy, a very wealthy, bitchy and quite as busty young lady who lives in the equestrian-obsessed region of Virginia called Westenra Estate with her loving Camelot-buddies.  Aside from riding horses all day, the prideful folk of Westenra are gearing up for Lucy’s wedding day in which she is set to marry Arthur, an equally rich toad who is very catholic, very worrisome, and somehow very good in bed.


            The trail to paradise is spoiled however when Lucy and her pals are introduced to their new neighbor, Count Klaus Vogul, who is quickly invited into their world of cocktails and studding riding crops.  After which, things start turn awry.


            A failed dinner party which ends in Lucy’s rants of unfulfilled bedroom antics by Arthur raises the eyebrows of Foghorn Leghorn-inspired Dr. Van Helsing who uses his flamboyant “suthun chahm” to decree a war on Count Vogul.  The winner of which will retain the destiny of the souls of the Westerna clubhouse cronies.


            The following second half of the film is not as confusing but nearly twice as boring as we witness the perversion of Vogul, the heroics of Helsing and the male population of Weserna, and the same awful dialogue that smudged the brains of viewers during the first half.


            Near as I can tell; this whole film must have started with someone in a bar drunkenly stating “Hey guys! My friend Frank just got a video camera for Christmas. Let’s go make a movie!”  Budget is obviously something that could fit into your weekend drinking funds as evident from the poor video quality, untalented actors, meager audio value, and the absence of anything that resembles professionalism in filmmaking.


            Investors were not the only thing missing from the production value as it seems casting agencies were not called either.  Lack of acting talent is something I suppose has become a staple of trash cinema, but have ugly and fat people also become the norm?  Honestly, if you’re leading lady is portraying a character of promiscuity and seductiveness, then I think it’s highly regarded she be a fit and attractive actress to boot. Next time Frank, try splurging a little on some Trimspa for your lead talent. (*coughing in direction of Brooke Paller*)


Not worth the money to buy, not worth the time to watch, not even worth the effort of mentioning at bars and parties.  Vultures Eye keeps modern cinema tradition alive by proving correctly of the statement “Just because something is original doesn’t make it good.”  This film equals pure rubbish!


Night of the Living Dorks: Sprechen Sie fun! Review by Ryan D. Libbert

Night of the Living Dorks: Sprechen Sie fun!
Review by Ryan D. Libbert

At last, the question most males have pondered has been answered! “What do I do if my cock one day falls off?” The answer of course is so logical…staple it back on. This solution was demonstrated along with other flesh falling wonders in the 2004 trash joint Night of the Living Dorks or Die Nacht der lebenden Loser as it is more well known in its native Germany.

This film comes to us from our sauerkraut brethren across the Atlantic with poorly overdubbed English voices in the wake of England’s newly spawned genre dubbed “zombie-comedy,” which was kick started by Shaun of the Dead earlier the same year. Just like other ocean-hopping trash films, Night of the Living Dorks sports a no-name director conducts no-name actors through a typical but still oh-so-fun plot that obviously throws Revenge of the Nerds into Romeroland.

Philip and his buddies Wurst and Konrad (the title-born dorks) are your typical tri-lamb shoo-ins who couldn’t score cool points at their native High School if they were handed out in advanced trigonometry class. Their awkwardness has painted their targets so bright in the crosshairs of their fellow students that regular beatings and humiliating moments plaque their day from homeroom to 7th period science.

Philip, portrayed by Tino Mewes, is quickly labeled the leader of the trio who is guided by his morning erections and lust for Ms. Popular girl in school Uschi (Nadine Germann). Wurst, played by Manuel Cortez, is the offshoot party-nerd of the group who drives the stereotyped VW van and provides his comrades with a heavy stash of liquor and marijuana. Konrad (Thomas Schmieder) completes the circle as the uber-nerd (no pun intended) who keeps a detailed journal of every beating he ever took in a message bag full of replacement glasses. Adding spice to the sauerkraut cast is Rebecca (Collien Fernandes), Philip’s next door neighbor and childhood sweetheart who fell out of Phil’s favor when she fell into the creepy goth clique.

The plot is sparked by Philip’s desperation to win the heart of his desires (uber-slut Uschi) which drives his, Wurst’s, and Konrad’s path to a midnight resurrection ceremony which ends in the boys soaked in ebay-purchased Haitian ashes, followed by a deadly crash in Wurst’s van. The trio awaken in a hospital morgue wearing nothing but smocks and toe tags and worried faces.

From there they quickly gather that they have now become animated corpses and immediately follow-up this realization with fulfilling their desires of sex, revenge and substance abuse. The fun is quickly put to a halt when the boys are overcome by an unquenchable desire for human flesh, which oddly targeted by the boys in the asses of their victims. Note: when your science teacher asks “Did you just bite her ass?” telling the truth is only acceptable if you are undead.

Before all their sanity is lost, the boys spend the day at school (and at a party later that night) indulging in their wants which lead to many coarse scenarios such as defeating the school rugby team at their own game, chowing down on the corpse of the brutally gay and nazi-ish gym coach, consuming more liquor and drugs than the Rolling Stones on tour, and sharing an intimate moment in a hot tub with the older and seductive English teacher while going down on her.

With the last vestiges of their sanity, the boys plead with Rebecca to use her knowledge of mystic spells to help cure them (finding virgin blood in any town would be a difficult task) before it is too late, which eventually leads to a race against time and destruction as Philip’s parents are on their way home and Konrad’s bloodlust has turned the local hospital blood bank into a wasteland.

The story is backed on a soundtrack that from what I can tell could only be either Good Charlotte or Sum 41 singing German lyrics over their poorly orchestrated pop. One more annoyance is the extremely bad dialogue (more exclusively ear-stinging than average teen flicks) which viewers are still perplexed if it is from poor German writing or poor English translating.
Fitting the classic and favorable Trash Cinema formula of zombies, drugs and campiness; Night of the Living Dorks gains a favorable thumbs up (rigor mortis or no) from the masses.


Ninja Cheerleaders: A Cyber Slasher Review

Ninja Cheerleaders – the blood, the beauty, and the botox
By Ryan D. Libbert AKA The Cyber Slasher

Well now as if the horror genre hasn’t gotten its fare share recently of campy movies featuring busty and bubbly sexbags stumbling through a plot, (I’m referring mainly to the recent trash joints as Zombie Strippers and Strippers vs. Zombies) The Asian Kung-Fu class got their full of sexploitation with this year’s neon bright epic titled Ninja Cheerleaders.

Written and Directed by David Presley, who gained the majority of his perverted visions in either the Army or Prison. This debacle tells the story of three of the most talented and dedicated gals this side of a burlesque house.

Courtney, Monica and April are the every-woman of men’s testosterone driven daydreams. They’re 18, beautiful, book smart, cheerleaders, martial artists, and strippers to boot (swimsuit models too from what I can gather off of poorly placed cinema montages). Fitting into their busy schedule of avoiding the sex-crazed perverts at the local junior college, vying for the chance to attend an Ivy League school, and hanging from a pole by their thighs in front of drooling sailors, these vixens also use their talents under the cover of night in training and espionage towards earning the coveted title of ninja.

The story opens as the 3 BFFs in kimonos break into an Army installation to steal an ancient Japanese kitana blade. Once retrieved and safe in the dojo, their sensei, Hiroshi, anoints them all ninjas. Life unfortunately does not turn to normal (as if it was?) for Courtney, Monica, or April as Hiroshi is kidnapped by the mob which therefore spoils their plans to compete in the annual strip-off and thereby shatters their dreams of attending Brown University… me, it’ll all make sense just before the story’s climax.

Taking on the many villains a pointless film-garb could throw at an audience, the lead vixens are able to save the day from evil mafia scumbags while also taking care of conflicts with perverted students, perverted cheerleader coaches, perverted sailors, perverted detectives, and of course perverted stepdads. All this plus sharing a scene of emotional tears …proving once and for all that fierce ninja warriors do have feelings.

Leading the group is April, played by Ginny Weirick, who is leader by default simply because she’s the only brunette in the trio. April is the tough one who is quick to lead the charge of fists and fury during any conflict. Her anger issues are only overshadowed by her love of dancing, Sun Tzu and cutting off testicles.

Courtney, credited as Trishelle Cannatella, plays second banana to April’s confident lead by assuming role as the mature one of the group. She never backs down from any challenge be it physical, philosophical, or fancy footwork. Her tasseled curls and pearly white smile disguises an attitude controlled only by ninja discipline.

Rounding out the threesome is the lovable Monica, portrayed by Maitland McConnell. Monica is the sweet and innocent one who laughs naively in the face of authority with an alluring smile and charisma. Monica’s charm adds to the group in the same sense that Raya added to Jem and the Holograms.

The big hitter in Ninja Cheerleaders comes via science fiction’s number one homosexual, George Takei; who assumes the mantle of Hiroshi, sensei as well as owner and head bartender of the Strip Palace. Takei graciously steps away from the helm of the Enterprise to portray something more stereotypical of his caliber, the ageing and comical martial artist. Hiroshi proves his mark in one of the more entertaining sword battles witnessed in a movie (courtesy mostly due to stop-motion photography vice stuntmen) as well as semi-charming banter such as “Kick higher! Rape is still rape with sore thigh!”

With such absurdities wrapped in an awesome reel of fun, one would be surprised to find that none of the three leading ladies bare any bush or nip during the entire film, nudity is actually down to a minimum which surprisingly raises an eyebrow by most critics and fans.

It’s not quite 3 Ninjas and it’s not quite Bring It On, but Ninja Cheerleaders still offers its own unique taste of garbage. Despite the enormous lack of violent gore and gratuitous sex, this film is still considered trash just due to the plot and characters alone. ninja-cheerleaders1

Dumpster Diving