Archive for May, 2015


Cafe Flesh (1982) The Positives and Negatives of The Nuclear Kiss (NSFW)


a Primal Root written review

“Is there anything sweeter than desire bound in chains?” – Max, Cafe Flesh

Fucking is a constant. The burning desire for pleasure and acceptance. The need for human contact. it’s unshakable, you can not ignore this primal, basic, animal urge to rock on with the most wonderful way to spend your time, sex. Now, imagine if you will, a post apocalyptic future where those who survived the nuclear holocaust suffered a terrible affliction, one that there is no known cure for. A plaque that keeps you from giving in to the craving, the temptation, the need to get freaky any time of the day or night.

Post WWIII finds 99% of the surviving population completely unable to have any sexual contact with another human being whatsoever, and the remaining 1% are enlisted to put on bizarre live sex shows for those who can no longer have sex anymore. See, the 99% who cannot experience any sexual gratification whatsoever get violently sick whenever feeling sexual stimulation of any sort. Now, this 99% spends their free time in dark clubs watching those lucky few who can pork one another without projectile vomiting across the wasteland watching them slide in and out of one another all night long while drooling and dreaming of an existence that doesn’t so closely resemble Hell.


And when I say these live sex shows are bizarre, I mean to the extreme in most cases. Bizarre to the point of, as Bootsie Kidd so aptly pointed out, resembling Kids in the Hall sketches with real women and money shots. My personal favorite has to be the fuck session that involves a man with an enormous pencil for a head wearing a three piece suit bending a lovely young woman over a work desk and fucking her from behind while a nekkid broad with ample bosom, tied back red hair, and a pair of Poindexter glasses on types away on her computer while insistently asking if we’d like her to type a Memo. IT’s pornography, sure, but it’s pretty goddamn high concept. There’s also a wonderful scene early on where a stay at home Mom gets fucked and jizzed all over by a mutant part rat part man milk man all while her three freak babies do a tightly choreographed dance from their little feeding chairs int he background. It;s a spectacle of low budget, highly innovative and creative pussy pounding unlike anything I’ve ever seen. It’s the kind of stuff that makes you want to wake up Grandma so she can come watch with you,


Beyond the truly arresting hardcore artsy fartsy sex shows is a stunningly downbeat post apocalyptic science fiction film. I can only imagine the near sducidal depression and frustration the 99% knows as “Sex Negatives” must feel knowing that they will never, ever, in their entire existence know the intimate connection of love and sex with anyone ever again. Not even from themselves. And to watch these lucky bastards being able to use their rock hard cocks and dripping wet lady lairs to their fullest potential…man, in a way, this really is a perfect illustration of Hell.

To make matters worse (or better?) this new society that formed after WWWIII and the “Nuclear Kiss” can sniff out those who are “Sex Positive” and force them into working the sex show trade. Of course, once people get started, they end up loving it. There’s one female character who happens to be a virgin and was saving it. When she is found to be sex positive she is forced out of Cafe Flesh in wrist restraints only to show up later sucking and riding cock like a professional. He sex scene is even sampled in the beginning of More Human Than Human by White Zombie! (You’re good, Rob.) No tears, no regrets, she walks away describing sex as the greatest thing she’s ever know directly into the faces of several poor souls who can;’ do it at all. She gloats and brags as these poor sexless negatives try to hold back the tears and resentment. Yeah, I’m glad your life is worth living, you GOD DAMN ASSHOLE! I get a hard on and I start SHITTING MYSELF and puking all over my futuristic Doc Martin’s!


But not everything is as it seems in Cafe Flesh. There are those among the 99% who desire love, connection, and a good deep dicking, AND ARE TOTALLY CAPABLE, but repress such burning desires in order to keep their partner from feeling left out or alone. Scream Queen Michelle Baur, credited as Pia Snow, plays a young woman in the 99% who finds her self fulfilling a role in just such a melodrama. I will tell you this much, Baur delivers a damn fine performance here, certainly among the very best in Cafe Flesh. And as we all know, when things are repressed for too long, they tend to build and explode into our lives with violent reproductions. Libido…finds a way.

Filmmaker Stephen Sayadian is a credit to the pornographic medium. He has created a one of a kind, beautifully shot, well written, fairly well acted piece of hardcore pornography where the story is far more interesting than any of the mechanized dicking taking place on screen. It’s a dark, bitter, sad pill to swallow but a flick I cannot help but recommend for it’s bold daringness and innovative story. The gonzo porn of today owes a great deal to Cafe Flesh. Stephen Sayadian would make another phenomenal slice of smut entitled “Dr. Caligari” in 1989. The world of pornography desperately needs more visionaries like Sayadian.

Cafe Flesh is pretty goddamn remarkable. I was thoroughly impressed. It’s rare when a pornographic film truly rises above the expectations of it’s genre and delivers a story, let alone a gripping, abrasive and creative. Hell, Cafe Flesh begins with the MC of the sex show, Max, jeering the audience which includes us. Cafe Flesh is able hook us in not simply with explicit sexual images but with concepts, ideas and real conflicts. In it’s short 80 minute run time there’s more originality and high concepts than just about any current main stream science fiction release  Possibly the films most challenging aspect is it’s intense disgust for it’s own audience. The 99% sit in their seats and watch like mindless zombies…I cannot help but feel like someone is taking a dig at me as I sit in the dark of my living room and watch people dressed like rodents fucking one another.  It’s a dig I take in stride as a Trash Cinema Connoisseur.

If you’re in the mood for a dark, nasty, bizarre and totally unique fuck flick, look no further, Gang. It will keep you engaged till the abrupt and bitter ending, leaving you thirsty for more.

FOUR AND A HALF out of FIVE Dumpster Nuggets.

Stay Trashy!



L.A. Macabre (2014)

a Kogwheal written review
Greetings, filth fans!  Kogwheal here to share with you something a bit less raunchy and bloody than our usual fare but plenty twisted and entertaining in its own right: webseries “L.A. Macabre”.  It’s a found footage thriller, full of questionable decisions by characters that I quickly came to actually care about enough to almost wish they wouldn’t make questionable decisions.  Almost.  If they quit, there’d be no show, so, on with it!

The first thing that attracted me to this project is that it is, to my mind, pretty brilliant at the conceptual level, making the medium itself (in this case, the L.A. Macabre Youtube channel) a part of the story.  It’s designed not just to one-up the immersive “real-life” feel that all found-footage stories strive for, but also to reward subscribing to the channel and watching the episodes as they’re released in real time.

There are no credits in sight for producing, writing, directing, editing, cinematography, or cast.  You can get all that on their IMDB page, but their channel represents an almost entirely in-character experience, careful on the whole not to openly acknowledge its fictional nature.’
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Friends Colin (Aidan Bristow) and Ryan (Ryan Hellquist) are making a sensationalist documentary webseries about the dark history of Los Angeles, complete with an intro sequence worthy of what has become of the History Channel.  They enlist Ryan’s sister Jamie (Ryan Bartley) to run the camera and generally assist the production.  They shoot and post lots of behind-the-scenes footage, which may have been a sizable overestimation of their audience’s interest if the show were to go as planned.  But then they meet Callie (Corsica Wilson), a former member of a Manson Family-inspired cult, talk her into an on-camera interview, and things cease abruptly to go as planned.
As their show changes focus and then starts to invade their lives, the medium is put to increasingly good use.  Jamie, initially inexperienced and uncomfortable on both sides of the camera, takes to being behind it quickly and also begins video blogging between the main episodes, expanding on the story.  She also develops a bit of a voyeuristic side, changing from a normal, unassuming personality to an absolute creeper when she’s got a camera in her hands.  Then again, she makes a valid point – the further they all get down the crazy cult rabbit hole, the more important it becomes to document everything they do, as a “constant alibi”.  It’s a better excuse for the found footage style than you usually get.  The Youtube channel format is further exploited when videos pop up that our plucky band of docuventurers didn’t make, adding to the mystery, and it’s exploited to a breathless limit when all the stops are pulled out for a slam-bang finale that’s as thrilling as it is meta.
Full disclosure: Several of the people involved in this project are friends of mine.  Be assured that I plug them here only because their work is solid and this is a project that I believe the Collective will enjoy.  It’s lots of fun, funny without being a parody, and slowly crafts a sense of intrigue with more than one extended sequence of what I regard as true master-level suspense building.  A beautiful, nail-biting long take of a “creepy crawl” into an occupied home at night, and the aforementioned climax in which our heroes confront some seriously harrowing circumstances with impressive but plausible ingenuity (and a reasonable amount of panic) are high points that really got my blood pumping.
The solid script is in good hands, with the small cast of capable and charismatic actors bringing true life and personality to these realistically silly and flawed characters.  The cinematography is excellent, and I think it only escapes being too good because the characters allegedly shooting all of it are setting out to make a professional-grade series and know what they’re doing.  The editing ties it all together brilliantly.  No surprise that it was edited by the writer-director, who knew going in what was going to come out the other end.  That said, there’s one primary place where, to my mind, the illusion breaks down, and that’s the editing of the ending.  I imagine that if this were real, the final episode would either contain less, or more.  Unless, that is… well, watch it yourself.  Seriously.  It’s well worth the look.
If you’re interested, a word of advice on navigating the series:
Their channel contains, under the “Playlists” heading, a list of 15 videos titled “L.A. Macabre Episodes” and a list of 39 videos titled “L.A. Macabre Episodes – Chronological”.  This latter list is everything, and was really meant to be viewed piecemeal as the videos were released.  As director Dan Ast put it to me, watching everything is a pretty long and repetitive slog if you’re going to marathon it.  Many of Jamie’s video blogs are not essential to following the story, though it’s recommended that you go back and watch them later if you enjoy the series.  Actress Ryan Bartley is a pleasure to watch, and she gets more and more natural and convincing the more disturbed her character becomes.  There’s also a cross-promotional podcast with Truly Disturbing Video.
The former list is a streamlined experience of the central cult-related plot.  It times out to roughly 110 minutes, and omits the first three episodes, which are brief looks at the cases of the Black Dahlia, Peg Entwhistle and the Manson Family.  I, personally, believe these should be viewed at the beginning even if you’re going to marathon the show, so you can see the show these crazy kids were trying to make before it all went to shit.  Each of the first 3 episodes also has a follow up behind the scenes bit.  These are entertaining in their own right, and they lay the groundwork for what you would otherwise be thrust into blind on the first episode in the shorter playlist.
If you start with these 6 videos it’ll add about 21 minutes to the runtime, but here’s how I think the series is best viewed if you’re a fan of the slow burn:
That’s all for now.  Hope you enjoy it as much as I did, and as our fearless leader always says, stay trashy.

Master of the Flying Guillotine (1977)


A John (Whiskey Sour) Carpenter written review

Hey Gang! Normally here at the Collective, we tend to stay more in the trashy, horror(y?), sexy, lovingly yet poorly made schlock world of celluloid. On occasion though, straying from the beaten path is necessary. Even more, sometimes it reeeeeeeeeeally pays off. Enter Master of the Flying Guillotine!

This film truly deserves a wider audience than it has. Considered by critics and aficionados as a paragon of the wu-xia (woo-shaw) genre, which you probably know as kung-fu movies, this film is a gods-damned blast. Light on plot, but heavy on incredible action sequences, imaginative fight choreography, bizarre kung-fu powers, and enough birds flying through fights to make John Wu blow a load, this is a film worth your time. Let’s dive in.

The film opens with a very old, blind kung-fu master practicing at his mountain home, with a narrator explaining that said master works for the ruling government as an assassin. A bird flies to him with a message taped to it, informing him (and you, the viewer) that his two disciples have been killed by another legendary kung-fu master known as the One-Armed Boxer. The master vows to avenge their deaths, and whips out his flying guillotine, which is something you do NOT want to put your dick in. Essentially a hat with the edge lined with blades on the outside and inside attached to a chain, he shows us exactly why you, again, do NOT want to put your dick in it. He practices on some dummies by swinging the guillotine around, throwing it over their heads, and instantly and completely decapitating them. Feeling ready, he throws a tiny bomb at his house, burns the place up, and goes on his journey, vowing to kill the One-Armed Boxer. Unfortunately for him, it seems that ancient China has enough one-armed men to keep Tommy Lee Jones busy for decades.


Cut to a kung-fu school, we learn that the One-Armed Boxer runs his own kung-fu school, and is actually a pretty nice guy. He’s not overly fond of the ruling government, which seems rather oppressive. He gets wind of a kung-fu tournament held by another kung-fu school. He has correctly assumed that Mr. Guillotine is out to pull his head off, and wants to stay low. However, his students convince him to allow them to, if not participate in the tournament, watch it to learn something. They go, and we are witness to some of the most fun sequences of fighting I’ve ever witnessed.

We get match after match of gruesome, silly kung-fu fighting, where everyone has a great name and skill to match. We also get introduced to some memorable side characters, including a Mongol fighter, an Indian yoga master who is basically Dhalsim from Street Fighter, and a Japanese fighter who I assume is some kind of policeman type figure. A Thai kickboxer is introduced earlier in the film as well, who also participates. We get to see some fantastic fighting, wonderful cinematography, and some laughably silly powers. In the middle of our fun unfortunately, Mr. Guillotine shows up and starts fucking shit up and ripping heads off people. It’s at this point that the film spirals into true awesomeness. The Thai boxer, Indian yogi, and Japanese guy team up with Mr. Guillotine, because reasons, and One-Armed Boxer has to use his wits and skills to take them out one by one.


I’m sure you can figure out how the film goes from this point. It’s rather predictable in all honesty, but it doesn’t matter one bit. The final four fight sequences are incredible, extremely well shot, and very imaginative. The final fight with Mr. Boxer and Mr. Guillotine is a combination of John Wu just jerking off birds into the shot everywhere, but with an actual reason for it, Home Alone-style booby traps, and flat out bad ass fighting. It’s also fascinating to see the treatment of other ethnic groups in the film. Finally, it’s a FANTASTIC introduction to the legendary Jimmy Wang Yu’s work. If you don’t know the name, learn it. He is one of the most important figures in Chinese film history, and therefore film history, and highly influential in the martial arts film genre. Without him, we might not have films like (whether you like ‘em or hate ‘em) Flying Tiger Hidden Dragon, The Matrix, and other films heavy on acrobatic fighting with bizarre powers. He also in part set the stage for the rising star of Bruce Lee. He has a HUGE body of work that is worth watching. In short, watch the fuckin’ movie. You can find it on Youtube, or get it from Netflix DVD, or probably Torrent it or something. I advise getting a version with subtitles, as apparently the dubbed versions aren’t that great. I give the film 4 out of 5 head-ripping offing, flying kicks to the facing, all out fun as hell dumpster nuggets. Definitely worth your time!

Dumpster Diving