Archive for March, 2011


Uncle Grumpy Fuck Remembers: “Manos”: The Hands of Fate (Part One of Two)

Hey Gang, The Primal Root here! I just wanted to introduce you to our latest contributor to the Trash Cinema Collective,the lovable little sleazeball, Uncle Grumpy Fuck! He will be joining us to muse about the most notable of dumpster nuggets from yesteryear in his own, trademarked, bizarro style. Note, this man doesn’t give a shit about our societies need for political correctness, the guy calls it like he sees it and never holds back. And this makes his writing incredibly funny to read. So without any further a due, enjoy Uncle Grumpy Fuck’s look back at the Trash Cinema Classic, “Manos”: Te Hands of Fate.

Stay Trashy,

-The Primal Root

an Uncle Grumpy Fuck recollection

…mmmm, yes, that’s good sweetie,the peppermint is just a little further down, just keep..oh.. hi! You’re old pal Uncle Grumpyfuk here- no-no sweetie just keep going- just babysitting the grands, heh,heh. Today we’ll be reviewing the masterpiece from the creator of Lassie, “Manos, Hands of Fate” …mmm oohhh yes sweetie,there’s your peppermint,now wipe your mouth and run along Billy,go find and play with your sister! Heh,kids!

The film begins with some light traffic,the blood begins to congeal. A convertible pulls over and we’re introduced to Mike…Something (Hal Warren,the director and producer,who also wrote the screenplay,talk about cheap, jeez,ah these Hollywood jews…), and his wife Margaret..Something(Diane Mahree,cute but possesses the acting talent of chloroform), we’ll call the couple Mr. & Mrs. W and their unfortunate daughter ‘Debbie’ who is apparently severely retarded,therefore she will be addressed as all retarded children should be addressed, with revulsion and nauseous contempt. Her little dog sucks too.
The family drives for a few moments when they get pulled by a pair of representatives of our police state for extortion purposes, however after the father rightfully blames everything on their retarded daughter the gullible swine allow them to leave unmolested, due to a moment of unaccustomed empathy for the couple’s shame. After a number by Urtha Kitt is abruptly interrupted by some shroomed out beatnik warbling about ‘doing a thing’ or some such thing, it sounded disgusting, we flash to a young Sodomite couple swilling alcohol and fornicating publicly,and just as we’re led to believe things are looking up, shit! Here come the Keystone ..Police ..Guys to break up their tonsil-rimming and send them on their way. This is one scene that truly reflects real life btw, Zig Fucking Heil America!!! Lousy Pigs!…pant,pant…
Anyway, back to Mr and Mrs W,with their little gimp and her crappy dog,they’ve become lost and hit a dead end, turn around and quicker than you can say ‘anal probe fapfest’ they come upon a compound…that wasn’t there before! Spooky, but there,framed in the doorway is the true lead of the film, Torgo the twitching spastic hunchback played with masterful grace and intensity by John Reynolds, esquire. It must be said that Reynolds portrayal of our tortured hunchback sets the new standard by which all hunchbacks have been graded since, Charles Lawton and Christy McNichol shall be forgotten forever more.

Though extremely reluctant, and understandably so due to their unfortunate daughter and her four-legged mangeloaf, and despite his warnings that his ‘Master’ will be displeased by their presence the gracious Torgo invites the family to stay. His convincingly painful limp and jittery mannerism are a quintessential study of the method style of acting. As they enter the adults immediately halt to admire the fashionable Layne Bryant Fall decor, notable the mantle decorations, some charred human arms and a bust of Spock, and above the mantle is a flattering portrait of the Master; apparently Torgo is a disciple of Frank Zappa and his faithful doberman pincher familiar, Tunafish Sandwich Man. As the couple stares stupidly at the painting,secretly gagueing it’s potential value on ebay, at least 14.00 surely, Debbie tries to …I’m sorry,I apologize but my disgust demands I refrain from using an undeserved human name for the couple’s genetic malfunction, therefore I will simply use the first syllable and henceforth refer to her simply as Deh, and as for her crappy little dog, he shall be known from here on as…Crappy Fucking Little Dog. That’s better…anyway she tries to cornhole the crusty pooch when it actually stands on two legs and begs to be taken to the gas chamber rather than spend another horrid day with their little tax writeoff.

Suddenly outside a castrated dingo achieves a righteous orgasm and Mr W and Crappy Fucking Little Dog rush out to watch and possibly participate,however the excitement is too much for Crappy Fucking Little Dog and his tiny inbred heart gives out. He croaks on the spot and Joy is ours, Manos be praised! The parents tell a convincing lie to Deh, that Crappy Fucking Little Dog ran away to find a normal,unretarded little girl to love. Her tears give us comfort. They decide to leave but the car won’t start, they whine at the patient Torgo for a minute,then again their attention becomes arrested by the hypnotic portrait of Zappa,and while thus enthralled Deh wanders outside to look for mealworms.

After realizing she’d disappeared and thoroughly searching the sparsely furnished room they try standing on the front stoop and calling in an almost convincing note of despair. They turn to see Deh with Tunafish Sandwich Man who tears away from the rancid smelling childling the moment the opportunity presents itself. Deh croaks out in her caustic tard language of some strange people (note irony), she then takes them to a nearby clearing to find Frank and some girls from his drum circle crashed out, no doubt wacked on wheatgrass goofballs and excessive masturbation.
The family of 2 1/2 rush back to Torgo’s abode and while the father tries unsuccessfully to start the car, Torgo and Mrs. W get busy, yeah. Torgo’s Bondesque technique and charm rival even Shields and Yarnell on demerol, lulling Mrs. W into a frozen figure of wanton desire (look for wet spot in front of dress, oh yeah) as Torgo masterfully pushes all of her shoulder buttons,Torgo you dog, you are the Man! His sensual afterglow recalls Paris Hilton after getting shagged like an alley cat on the web,meow! ..and, like a sated feline Mrs. W slaps him passionately signalling that the coupling is complete. No piggies to break up this raunchy porn scene,no-siree Bob!

Meanwhile Torgo has made his way to the glen and after cackling and babbling at everyone he gives one of the drum circle girls some sweet Torgo shoulder love, (going for the hat trick tonight, you dog!) then passes out from the effort, yeah, we know about that one eh guys? Heh,oh yeah! You go buddy!
Torgo heads back to the house and makes his way to the bedroom window where the still tingling Mrs. W is stripping in anticipation of more shoulder action. Our hero leers in from the window like Rosie O’Donnell at a cheerleading contest,in a truly  classic scene for the ages. Mrs. W pretends to be surprised, yeah, nice ‘acting’ baby. Mr. W has gone back to the glade when Torgo puts a whippin’ on him with his hand stick, and an awesome duet by Liberace and John Coltrane begins, the saxophone virtuosity is amazing while Torgo kills 3 minutes of film time tying up the uncooperative director/producer screenwriter. He then leaves the unconscious father for the dingos to devour at their leisure…



‘The Dirty Mind of Young Sally’: Heating up the Airwaves

I think I see something subliminal in this poster...

a Primal Root written review

Sexploitation, one of the many sub-genres of exploitation, is a bit of an acquired taste. Seeing as I am huge fan of sex  and also happen to be a perverted deviant in general, you could say, I have a natural capacity for the subject matter. Sexploitation is the term used to categorize independently produced hardcore and softcore (non-explicit material) flicks exhibited in adult “grindhouse” theaters.  And then there are the sub-genres within sexploitation like roughies, nudie cuties, etc. Trust me, we could be here all day talking about all the different types of sexploitation flicks made in the span of time it took the 60’s to reach the early 70’s when advertising bans complicated matters a bit too much.

Still, movies of such high caliber entrainment were being produced well into the 90’s and were available at your local video store and late night on many premium cable channels. 😀 Trust me, that shit got me through my teenage years.

Moving on, I recently came across and old, dusty, VHS copy of the 1970 sexploitation picture, ‘The Dirty Mind of Young Sally’, while organizing the shelves at Video 21 (When in Tallahassee, be sure to visit us!). right on the cover it has the illustrated image of a woman fondling a radio mic as if it were an engorged wang-doodle she’s about to show her uvula off to. Proving, not only does young Sally have a dirty mind, the target audience has one as well.

The plot is simple enough, it centers on Dirty Sally (Colleen Brennan billed as Sharon Kelly) a buxom, cute, fiery red head who  has a remarkably popular pirate radio show she happens to run out of her van. She travels cross country continually broadcasting “music to ball to”, giving sex advice, and masturbating on the air. Her listeners cannot help but have beach orgies, get naked at bars while beatniks mess around on the bongos, and even lose their virginity in the back of horrifically uncomfortable looking dune buggies under the cover of night after suggestively telling your boyfriend you are going to take a piss in the woods.

Young Sally does her thing and not yours!

Sally is constantly being chased by the authorities who desperately want to get her sinful, evil, filthy sex talk off the air! There are teenagers all over the country getting it on! They’re making out and going down on one another! This obviously MUST be stopped. There certainly aren’t any other more important crimes to attend to in the U.S. of A. Sally is able to avoid the cops with the help of her technician, driver, part-time lover and full time goofball, Toby (The man, the myth, the legend, George ‘Buck’ Flower).

It’s a pretty basic scenario. Law enforcement officials are made to look like bumbling fools, Sally is an intelligent, sexually open, independent woman that I find far cooler and hip than any of the broads on ‘Sex and the City.’ And the teenagers are as dumb and horny as ever. I think there may be a kernel of a message to be found in this plot about the importance of free speech and the freedom of expression and how we can damn do what we want to with whomever we want as long as no one is getting hurt. I mean, it’s right there. All they had to do was write a speech for Sally…but I guess it was more important to show blonds getting it on with pasty, bearded, balding men on the beach.

I sat watching ‘The Dirty Mind of Young Sally’ and as these relatively dull sex scenes went on for 10-15 minute stretches my mind began to wonder. Why in the world do none of these guys have hardons? It makes no sense to me. These guys have naked women all over them, grinding their lady bits into their faces, playing around with their love caulker and it just sags there like a wet noodle.  It’s not just in this film, I’ve become keenly aware of this phenomenon in other Harry Novak pictures. How in the world are they able to stay flaccid? I have a feeling with most of us guys, if we were put in this situation, you’d have to duck tape our fella down if you didn’t want it stealing the show.

Another thing, where are all these spontaneous group orgies? Do these things only happen when I’m not there? When I go to a party and everyone is drinking, having a good time, and some of there’s even some there I’d love to hook up with, do they wait for me to leave before everyone hops in an inflatable pool and start slinging genitals as if it were Armageddon time. Then again, I always fear afterward I will feel empty inside. But then I also fear DURING the orgy I might NOT be empty inside…so there are a lot of things to consider before squirting on the lube and hoping on top of the pile.

Can the mic pick up that she's rubbing her boobs together? (Colleen Brennan as Sharon Kelly as Young Sally.)

Anyway, The Dirty Mind of Young Sally is an easy, light weight, bit of none-intrusive social commentary chock full of naked breasts and unaroused members. The glue that holds the whole flick together is  Colleen Brennan as the adorable and sexy lead character, Sally. Colleen has a very natural way about her. Almost a girl next door sort of sexiness. She doesn’t have much more to do in the film besides talk dirty, smile and get naked, but she does it such charisma and openness one cannot help but be enchanted. This was actually the first in a remarkably long career in exploitation cinema. She would appear in such classics as Foxy Brown,  Supervixens and Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS but towards the end of her career she began doing more hardcore, pornographic films like Taboo III, Trinity Brown and Hot Blooded. She would leave the film scene for good in 1990 with just over 100 flicks to her credit. According to IMDB, she know runs her own sex hotline business.

The Dirty Mind of Young Sally is certainly dated but it is still a fun watch.  However, there are some dry, spells here and there and some of the cop comedy tries way too hard. But when it works, it does so well. Thanks to the eye catching talent of Ms. Colleen Brennan. Can someone find Colleen and book her for a convention appearance? I would love to meet her in person.

The Dirty Mind of Young Sally is available on DVD from something Weird Video on a double bill with another Colleen Brennan Classic, Teenage Bride.

Stay Trashy,

-The Primal Root


Drive Angry, That Old Drive-In Spirit

a Primal Root Written Review

“I could shoot you in the throat and watch you gurgle as I eat my morning grapefruit.” – Jonah King, Drive Angry

I was only recently even made aware of this theatrically released cheese-ball action flick after someone sent me the red band trailer. I saw cars, explosions, fights, tits, guns and Nicolas Cage, a man whose acting prowess I have come to dislike so much and whose choices of acting roles perplex me so that he has become a bit of a cult icon to me. And all of these elements were rolled in to bizarre concoction entitled Drive Angry. And this sucker was going to be in 3D. I was sold.

As I looked intot he film more I realized this flick is a collaboration between the same writer and director who brought us the tons of fun 3D schlock fest, My Blood Valentine 3D, Todd Farmer and Patrick Lussier. Sure, Todd Farmer also wrote Jason X which sucks cocks in Hell and, let’s face it, My Bloody Valentine isn’t much more than the sum of it’s assemblage of cool gore effects…

But Drive Angry promises something totally different. It’s not a remake or a sequel to a well established horror franchise. This is something else entirely. It’s an original film that works as hellishly fun tip of the hat the the very best of cheap-o 42nd street cinema and late 80’s action extravaganzas. It’s like a Frankenstein monster assembled from still very entertaining and classic parts from favorite cult hits from years gone by. There’s badass fight scenes.greasy spoon diners populated by gross, touchy feely chefs and foul mouthed flirty waitresses. Hardcore Hotrods. Blood drenched shoot outs. A tough as nails chick who knows how to fight like a tigress. A quiet stranger dressed in black that everyone wants dead. Tons of nudity and a fucking brilliant sex shoot out scene that plays like the similar scene from 07;s Shoot ‘Em Up on Jolt Cola.  And even a satanic cult led by a molesty, necrophiliac, baby killing, scumbag sans penis played by Bella’s Dad from the Twilight series.

Someone did not put the bunny back in the box.

Our film is the story of a vengeance seeking father by the name of Milton ( Nic Cage) who has escaped from Hell to avenge the murder of her daughter and save his grand child from the satanic cult who killed her lead by the villainous Jonah King (Billy Burke). He gains the help of a young woman named Piper (Amber Heard) who is a force to reckoned with as illustrated after she finds her fiance fucking a skank in their stink hole apartment. The duo head south to Louisiana where the final showdown awaits, all the while, having to duck the authorities lead by Cap (Tom Atkins, a true Trash Cinema Legend in top form here.) as well as a smooth talking, sharply dressed supernatural force known as The Accountant (played by a scene stealing William Fichtner) who might be one of the coolest anti-heroes in recent memory.

The Accountant: Redefining awesome on a scene by scene basis.

Drive Angry has it all and, man, it’s just so goddamn tasty. It’s jam packed with that old Drive-In spirit fueled by excess and meaning to do nothing more than deliver the goods and entertain it’s audience at any cost. There is something to be admired in a film that enjoys delivering the filthy, blood smeared goods without making fun of itself or those of us who love this type of flick with every faint beat of or twisted black little hearts.  And after all the thought provoking and well made films of the Award season releases,  I have to admit, it’s a load of fun to simply switch the old gray matter on cruise control and take a trip with a guilty pleasure to most like Drive Angry.

As a matter of fact, yes, she knows how to use them.

Trust me, if you enjoy the kind of films that were once readily available as double and triple bills decades earlier when you could enjoy cinema under the stars, this film is something you will eat up like so much buttery, salty concession stand popcorn. Not since Piranha 3D and Machete have I had this kind of fun at the movies.

And yes, the film does give a Special Thanks to Bill Murray and Punxsutawney Phil in the end credits.

I would gladly come back fom Hell for Ms. Amber Heard.

Stay Trashy,

-The Primal Root


Trash Cinema Nights presents Robocop!

“Dead or alive, you’re coming with me…”

Hey Gang!

The Primal Root here and I cannot properly express in words how thrilled I am to announce that The Trash Cinema Collective is going LIVE! That’s right, this Saturday (03.05.11) The Trash Cinema Collective is joining forces with Tallahassee Florida’s premiere dive bar, Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack to bring you Trash Cinema Nights! And for our very first feature we will be screening the 1987 trash classic, and on of my all time favorite movies, Robocop!

So make plans to head over to Bird’s this Saturday and come be a part of a new Tallahassee Monthly tradition! Trash Cinema nights at Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack.

Stay Trashy,

-The Primal Root

Dumpster Diving