Hey Gang!

A mere two weeks after Halloween and we are immediately faced with the second most notable day on the horror calendar. That’s right, HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH! This has been quite a heavy year for Friday the 13th with the remake coming out plus three weekends beginning with the date. Hell, my very first Rotten Review episode was that extensive two part, extremely controversial Top 13 Kills of Friday the 13th which you can find on the site if you are feeling frisky…

So, in honor of our third and final Friday the 13th of 2009 I figured I’d list some other personal random favorites from the longest running, critically bashed, blood soaked, breast filled, TRASHTASTIC horror franchise to ever exist…FRIDAY THE 13TH!

WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO GET NERDY

FAVORITE ENTRY: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (84)

You could find the VHS copy rented and spinning in my VCR just about any weekend of my teenage years.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, intended to end the franchise, is by far and away the best of the series.  Paramount Pictures brought in genre director (and personal favorite) Joeseph Zito (The Prowler) to helm what the trailers claimed to be “The One You’ve Been Dying For.” Also back was make-up effects legend Tom Savini to kill off Jason Voorhees, a monster he designed and created, in the original Friday the 13th (80).

Savini kills of Jason. Yeah, he's not walking away from that.

The Final Chapter is a Friday Fan’s wet dream. It has all the elements you could ever want and then some. The deaths are brutal, the breasts plentiful, the characters likable (well, except for Ted) and above all else the flick is actually some what scary while still managing to be fun viewing. The film is also notorious amongst fans for featuring the legendary dance moves of a young soon to be cult icon actor, Crispin Glover.

Also on hand was the soon to be 80’s child star phenomenon and future reality TV star Mr. Corey Feldman in one of his first leading man roles.

Tom Savini’s effects are incredible but not the only stars. The kids in Part IV do an excellent job of making their characters empathetic and believable which is way above the call of duty for this awe inspiringly long running franchise. Joe Zito took on a film which could have been a total disaster but instead delivered precisely what the hardcore fans of the series wanted. This entry is a sure fire crowd pleaser.

FAVORITE FINAL GIRL: Ginny Field – Friday the 13th Part 2 (81)

Ginny will get laid, drink a six pack, and go kick Jason's ass all in the span of 24 hours. My kind of woman.

We all know the rules. Have sex or do drugs anywhere NEAR Camp Crystal Lake and you’re toast. No questions asked. This is part of the mythology and something even those not wholly familiar with the series know. This shit is pretty much written in stone. In Friday the 13th Part II one badass final girl who survives her harrowing night at camp blood (and manages to save her boyfriend Paul, to boot) spun those rules on their head. Her name is Ginny Field. A young, beautiful, camp counselor in training who happens to be studying child psychology (PLOT POINT!) and is portrayed by the lovely Amy Steel. Amy has never received enough credit for single handidly making Part II one of the most beloved entries amongst fans.

Ginny (Amy Steel) looks fetching in her yellow bikini at Camp Crystal Lake.

Ginny doesn’t only drink her male cohorts under the table, is implied to smoke a little Mary Jane every now and then, but it is also implied that she gets it on all night with Paul (a fellow she seems to have a history with) on her very first night at Crystal Lake. And don’t be fooled by Ginny’s delicate beauty. She’s also fiercely independent, smart and does her share of the hard labor around the Counselor Training Facility lugging around chain-saws and cutting up firewood.

Ginny manages to pretty much kick the crap out of Jason towards the end the film. An ass kicking unrivaled until part VII when the telekinetic manic chick Tina showed up on the scene and dropped furniture on our hockey masked mongoloid hero. Ginny, however, smashes chairs over Jason, attacks him with a chainsaw, chops him open with a machete and cracks him right in the balls. Ginny needs no telekinesis because she has her own strength to rely on. Among the plethora of ever changing Final Girls in the Friday the 13th series, Ginny stands out as one of the most intelligent, strong, sexy and ferocious of the bunch. A Final Girl to which all others are measured. Even though this flick is older than I am (by a year!) everytime I watch I fall in love with Ginny all over again. Great character brought to life by an excellent actress.

FAVORITE JASON: Ted White – Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (84)

Ted White as Jason unmasked in The Final Chapter.

I know, Kane Hodder was my absolute favorite Jason for years seeing as my first introduction to the series was catching Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood on USA back when I was a kid. I loved the lumbering, slow, skull crushingly strong, unstoppable, Man-Tank, Jason. And for years Kane Hodder’s version of Jason was the cream in my Crystal Lake coffee and still holds a dear place in my heart for turning me into the  “Hotly Monogamous” Friday the 13th fan I am today. Then there’s this Jason…

Ted White. One Dashing Jason.

Over the years and after all the countless viewings another performer’s incarnation of Jason rose to the top in my blood caked book. Veteran stuntman, Ted White, brought something to the character of Jason I feel no one had before or since. Not only is this the final installment in which Jason actually RUNS after his victims it is also the only film where Jason seems to be thinking, truly emoting rage and takes a shit load of damage without really caring. The Jason’s in part 2-3 both were stopped numerous times on those outings but in The Final Chapter it’s as if Jason just doesn’t care anymore. He so hates those he blames for his current state that no amount of pain inflicted will stop him. Keep in mind, Jason is still just a rage fueled human being  at this point and not the undead super beast he would become.

Ted White is a big, fit, burly guy who filled that hockey mask perfectly and encompasses everything I see in the overlooked and misunderstood character of Jason Voorhees. Well, everything a rabidly obsessive fan sees in him. Did I mention I’m a nerd?

FAVORITE JASON MOMENT: Jason’s Multiple Fail – Friday the 13th Part II (81)

For the longest time Friday the 13th Part II was my favorite entry in the series. It has some really great and admirable assets. From how the characters were handled (especially the females), the brilliantly conceived kills (Mark, the guy who gets it in the wheelchair, still blows me away), the only time we get full frontal female nudity, Paul’s AMAZING campfire tale about the Voorhees Legend, Pamela’s withered old head on a stump, Marta Kober in that bikini, I could go on all day.

Paul fills us in on what Jason's been up to.

But Friday the 13th Part II also features one other element that ranks among my favorite things in any franchise. The Jason Voorhees killer learning curve. This is Jason’s first time out of the gates following in his mother’s footsteps as a spree killer. Jason does a commendable job setting up traps and killing off the first handful of counselors but once he is face to face with Final Girl, Ginny, he just fails miserably.

I’ve put together this little montage below featuring all Jason’s epic fails from Friday the 13th Part 2.

How can you not be a fan of Jason’s after watching him screw up, fumble his kills and get man handled by Ginny? It’s one of the most endearingly cute final chases ever filmed. Jason (as performed here by Steve Daskawisz) is pretty damn scary through out the picture until this final chase. He’s like a goofy, cuddly teddy bear trying to nab the girl but constantly bumbling it up. I know a lot of fans like to think Jason has always been great at butchering people  but the fact is he had to learn the hard way and it’s adorably illustrated in Part II.

FAVORITE BREASTS:

TIED! Debi Sue Voorhees – Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (85) & Julianna Guill – Friday the 13th (09)

Julianna Guill

Jeez, this was a tough one. It came down to a battle of Old School vs. New School. Classic vs Remake. Natural vs. Natural. Now, anyone who knows me knows good and damn well that I am an avid supported of beautiful natural breasts. I love them and they have been missing from the horror scene since the mid-90’s/ It seems the only folks willing to show their breasts are those who pack their chests with saline. But there’s something to be said for the horror films of old where some of the most glorious, curvey and natural states of beauty were on display moments before some swarthy effects guy gl latex appliance to them and doused them in sticky fake blood.

Thankfully, both of these women are keeping it natural, bouncy and beautiful. These breasts, of course, are according to my own personal taste. I’ve always been a fan of big boobs. You can thank Yvette from Clue (85) and Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (88) for warping my young, impressionable mind.

Debi Sue Voorhees plays Tina, one of the mentally disturbed teenagers at the Pinehurst Halfway House. Pinehurst apparently relies on a trust system which allows the mentally unstable inhabitants to murder one another in broad daylight and go onto other people’s property and deep dick the snot out of one another. This is how Tine spends most of her time with one of the strapping young crazy fellows in the looney bin, er, halfway house…

In her featured sex scene director Danny Steinmann (a former pon filmmaker) trains that camera right on her tits and makes sure to keep one nipple in every shot while she’s nude. Debi Sue has some massive breasts and it’s always a treat to see those puppies in all their glory.

Now, I am not a fan of remakes and Michael Bay and Marcus Nispel’s dumb-shit rehash of Friday the 13th series is no exception. From it’s shitty take on Mrs. Voorhees’s legend, to the lame brained idea of having a vast mine shaft under the camp which is located near a huge lake (what in the world were they mining for?) to all the masturbation and dummy fucking jokes, I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of nerd rage growing ever stronger in my stomach. Seriously, if Ie ver see Michael Bay, that fucker’s a dead man.

However, among all the irredeemable crap that makes up 99% of the 2009 Friday the 13th remake there is one moment that stands out. Well, technically two. The beautiful, all natural, monuments breasts of  Julianna Guill. The film feature two other pairs of breasts but they prove to be lack luster and rather, um, stiff. Just when I thought there was no hope and Friday the 13th had fallen pray to the crappy boob monster, here comes Julianna ripping her top off, stripping down and riding some asshole character we cannot wait to see die. Julianna is not afraid to show off her Wonder Twins. Hell, why would she? They are magnificent!

Well, Gang, I hope everyone has plans for a great Friday the 13th weekend.  It’s that one sporadic day a year where we get to be with our friends, let loose, and  laugh and howl at one of the most unabashadley ridiculous horror franchises to ever enter the pop culture lanscape. Just remember, as you open that beer, light that joint, of drop those drawers, take a quick look out the window just in case…because Jason could be watching.

Chi, Chi,Chi…Ah,Ah,Ah…

Necrophilia is in this season.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone! Be safe and Stay Trashy!

-The Primal Root