Archive for November, 2009

24
Nov
09

Primal Root’s Rotten Reviews presents Blood Freak

Hey Gang,

For Turkey Day 2009 I figured what better way to celebrate here at The Trash Cinema Collective than with the 1972 Anti-Drug, Pro-Christian, Mutant Killer Turkey film…Blood Freak!

That’s right, hold onto Plymouth Rock and prepare yourself for horrendous audio, unintelligible mumbling, bio-hazardous turkey meat, real life turkey decapitation, bible thumpers in red hot pants, sibling rivalry, turkey poking, mutant sex, cock blockage, a God live ever present narrator, the complimentary use of the term “husky”, real life amputees, lots of screaming, copious blood squirting, and poultry rage!

This episode wouldn’t have been possible without the indispensable help of Team Trash Cinema: Erica Andrus, Justin Falco and Terrius Greene whose performances bring this Thanksgiving Holiday Special to life. Thanks again, gang!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving and Stay Trashy!

– Root

[blip.tv http://blip.tv/play/AYGxxxYA?p=1 width=”480″ height=”390″]

13
Nov
09

The Primal Root’s Dirty Thoughts: Friday the 13th Series Favorites!

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Hey Gang!

A mere two weeks after Halloween and we are immediately faced with the second most notable day on the horror calendar. That’s right, HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH! This has been quite a heavy year for Friday the 13th with the remake coming out plus three weekends beginning with the date. Hell, my very first Rotten Review episode was that extensive two part, extremely controversial Top 13 Kills of Friday the 13th which you can find on the site if you are feeling frisky…

So, in honor of our third and final Friday the 13th of 2009 I figured I’d list some other personal random favorites from the longest running, critically bashed, blood soaked, breast filled, TRASHTASTIC horror franchise to ever exist…FRIDAY THE 13TH!

WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO GET NERDY

FAVORITE ENTRY: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (84)

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You could find the VHS copy rented and spinning in my VCR just about any weekend of my teenage years.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, intended to end the franchise, is by far and away the best of the series.  Paramount Pictures brought in genre director (and personal favorite) Joeseph Zito (The Prowler) to helm what the trailers claimed to be “The One You’ve Been Dying For.” Also back was make-up effects legend Tom Savini to kill off Jason Voorhees, a monster he designed and created, in the original Friday the 13th (80).

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Savini kills of Jason. Yeah, he's not walking away from that.

The Final Chapter is a Friday Fan’s wet dream. It has all the elements you could ever want and then some. The deaths are brutal, the breasts plentiful, the characters likable (well, except for Ted) and above all else the flick is actually some what scary while still managing to be fun viewing. The film is also notorious amongst fans for featuring the legendary dance moves of a young soon to be cult icon actor, Crispin Glover.

Also on hand was the soon to be 80’s child star phenomenon and future reality TV star Mr. Corey Feldman in one of his first leading man roles.

Tom Savini’s effects are incredible but not the only stars. The kids in Part IV do an excellent job of making their characters empathetic and believable which is way above the call of duty for this awe inspiringly long running franchise. Joe Zito took on a film which could have been a total disaster but instead delivered precisely what the hardcore fans of the series wanted. This entry is a sure fire crowd pleaser.

FAVORITE FINAL GIRL: Ginny Field – Friday the 13th Part 2 (81)

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Ginny will get laid, drink a six pack, and go kick Jason's ass all in the span of 24 hours. My kind of woman.

We all know the rules. Have sex or do drugs anywhere NEAR Camp Crystal Lake and you’re toast. No questions asked. This is part of the mythology and something even those not wholly familiar with the series know. This shit is pretty much written in stone. In Friday the 13th Part II one badass final girl who survives her harrowing night at camp blood (and manages to save her boyfriend Paul, to boot) spun those rules on their head. Her name is Ginny Field. A young, beautiful, camp counselor in training who happens to be studying child psychology (PLOT POINT!) and is portrayed by the lovely Amy Steel. Amy has never received enough credit for single handidly making Part II one of the most beloved entries amongst fans.

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Ginny (Amy Steel) looks fetching in her yellow bikini at Camp Crystal Lake.

Ginny doesn’t only drink her male cohorts under the table, is implied to smoke a little Mary Jane every now and then, but it is also implied that she gets it on all night with Paul (a fellow she seems to have a history with) on her very first night at Crystal Lake. And don’t be fooled by Ginny’s delicate beauty. She’s also fiercely independent, smart and does her share of the hard labor around the Counselor Training Facility lugging around chain-saws and cutting up firewood.

Ginny manages to pretty much kick the crap out of Jason towards the end the film. An ass kicking unrivaled until part VII when the telekinetic manic chick Tina showed up on the scene and dropped furniture on our hockey masked mongoloid hero. Ginny, however, smashes chairs over Jason, attacks him with a chainsaw, chops him open with a machete and cracks him right in the balls. Ginny needs no telekinesis because she has her own strength to rely on. Among the plethora of ever changing Final Girls in the Friday the 13th series, Ginny stands out as one of the most intelligent, strong, sexy and ferocious of the bunch. A Final Girl to which all others are measured. Even though this flick is older than I am (by a year!) everytime I watch I fall in love with Ginny all over again. Great character brought to life by an excellent actress.

FAVORITE JASON: Ted White – Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (84)

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Ted White as Jason unmasked in The Final Chapter.

I know, Kane Hodder was my absolute favorite Jason for years seeing as my first introduction to the series was catching Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood on USA back when I was a kid. I loved the lumbering, slow, skull crushingly strong, unstoppable, Man-Tank, Jason. And for years Kane Hodder’s version of Jason was the cream in my Crystal Lake coffee and still holds a dear place in my heart for turning me into the  “Hotly Monogamous” Friday the 13th fan I am today. Then there’s this Jason…

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Ted White. One Dashing Jason.

Over the years and after all the countless viewings another performer’s incarnation of Jason rose to the top in my blood caked book. Veteran stuntman, Ted White, brought something to the character of Jason I feel no one had before or since. Not only is this the final installment in which Jason actually RUNS after his victims it is also the only film where Jason seems to be thinking, truly emoting rage and takes a shit load of damage without really caring. The Jason’s in part 2-3 both were stopped numerous times on those outings but in The Final Chapter it’s as if Jason just doesn’t care anymore. He so hates those he blames for his current state that no amount of pain inflicted will stop him. Keep in mind, Jason is still just a rage fueled human being  at this point and not the undead super beast he would become.

Ted White is a big, fit, burly guy who filled that hockey mask perfectly and encompasses everything I see in the overlooked and misunderstood character of Jason Voorhees. Well, everything a rabidly obsessive fan sees in him. Did I mention I’m a nerd?

FAVORITE JASON MOMENT: Jason’s Multiple Fail – Friday the 13th Part II (81)

For the longest time Friday the 13th Part II was my favorite entry in the series. It has some really great and admirable assets. From how the characters were handled (especially the females), the brilliantly conceived kills (Mark, the guy who gets it in the wheelchair, still blows me away), the only time we get full frontal female nudity, Paul’s AMAZING campfire tale about the Voorhees Legend, Pamela’s withered old head on a stump, Marta Kober in that bikini, I could go on all day.

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Paul fills us in on what Jason's been up to.

But Friday the 13th Part II also features one other element that ranks among my favorite things in any franchise. The Jason Voorhees killer learning curve. This is Jason’s first time out of the gates following in his mother’s footsteps as a spree killer. Jason does a commendable job setting up traps and killing off the first handful of counselors but once he is face to face with Final Girl, Ginny, he just fails miserably.

I’ve put together this little montage below featuring all Jason’s epic fails from Friday the 13th Part 2.

How can you not be a fan of Jason’s after watching him screw up, fumble his kills and get man handled by Ginny? It’s one of the most endearingly cute final chases ever filmed. Jason (as performed here by Steve Daskawisz) is pretty damn scary through out the picture until this final chase. He’s like a goofy, cuddly teddy bear trying to nab the girl but constantly bumbling it up. I know a lot of fans like to think Jason has always been great at butchering people  but the fact is he had to learn the hard way and it’s adorably illustrated in Part II.

FAVORITE BREASTS:

TIED! Debi Sue Voorhees – Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (85) & Julianna Guill – Friday the 13th (09)

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Julianna Guill

Jeez, this was a tough one. It came down to a battle of Old School vs. New School. Classic vs Remake. Natural vs. Natural. Now, anyone who knows me knows good and damn well that I am an avid supported of beautiful natural breasts. I love them and they have been missing from the horror scene since the mid-90’s/ It seems the only folks willing to show their breasts are those who pack their chests with saline. But there’s something to be said for the horror films of old where some of the most glorious, curvey and natural states of beauty were on display moments before some swarthy effects guy gl latex appliance to them and doused them in sticky fake blood.

Thankfully, both of these women are keeping it natural, bouncy and beautiful. These breasts, of course, are according to my own personal taste. I’ve always been a fan of big boobs. You can thank Yvette from Clue (85) and Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (88) for warping my young, impressionable mind.

Debi Sue Voorhees plays Tina, one of the mentally disturbed teenagers at the Pinehurst Halfway House. Pinehurst apparently relies on a trust system which allows the mentally unstable inhabitants to murder one another in broad daylight and go onto other people’s property and deep dick the snot out of one another. This is how Tine spends most of her time with one of the strapping young crazy fellows in the looney bin, er, halfway house…

In her featured sex scene director Danny Steinmann (a former pon filmmaker) trains that camera right on her tits and makes sure to keep one nipple in every shot while she’s nude. Debi Sue has some massive breasts and it’s always a treat to see those puppies in all their glory.

Now, I am not a fan of remakes and Michael Bay and Marcus Nispel’s dumb-shit rehash of Friday the 13th series is no exception. From it’s shitty take on Mrs. Voorhees’s legend, to the lame brained idea of having a vast mine shaft under the camp which is located near a huge lake (what in the world were they mining for?) to all the masturbation and dummy fucking jokes, I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of nerd rage growing ever stronger in my stomach. Seriously, if Ie ver see Michael Bay, that fucker’s a dead man.

However, among all the irredeemable crap that makes up 99% of the 2009 Friday the 13th remake there is one moment that stands out. Well, technically two. The beautiful, all natural, monuments breasts of  Julianna Guill. The film feature two other pairs of breasts but they prove to be lack luster and rather, um, stiff. Just when I thought there was no hope and Friday the 13th had fallen pray to the crappy boob monster, here comes Julianna ripping her top off, stripping down and riding some asshole character we cannot wait to see die. Julianna is not afraid to show off her Wonder Twins. Hell, why would she? They are magnificent!

Well, Gang, I hope everyone has plans for a great Friday the 13th weekend.  It’s that one sporadic day a year where we get to be with our friends, let loose, and  laugh and howl at one of the most unabashadley ridiculous horror franchises to ever enter the pop culture lanscape. Just remember, as you open that beer, light that joint, of drop those drawers, take a quick look out the window just in case…because Jason could be watching.

Chi, Chi,Chi…Ah,Ah,Ah…

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Necrophilia is in this season.

Happy Friday the 13th everyone! Be safe and Stay Trashy!

-The Primal Root

07
Nov
09

The Fourth Kind – The Owliens are not what they seem…

4th poster

a Primal Root review

Watch out Nome Alaska! You are being besieged by evil Owliens who are attacking you in your sleep, taking you to spaceships, probing you and erasing your memories. For what purpose? I guess so you can kill yourself and your family? But that doesn’t matter! This is some scary shit and  it’s ALL REAL and we have tons of audio and visual footage to support this case!

Yeah…

I really don’t know where to begin…the obviously faked “real” footage? The terrible performances? The sloppy script? The hackneyed editing? The strange decision to break some segments up into layered four framed split screen? The Fourth Kind is the kind of Trash Cinema it just hurts to sit through.

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What I saw did disturb me. Probably not in the way the filmmakers intended.

The film opens just like the trailer with Milla Jovovich looking into the camera and spinning around the woods informing us that what we are about to see is 100% real and based on real accounts by real people in the real town of Nome Alaska and you will be “really” disturbed. She fails to mention that her acting skills are completely fake.

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"I Has Serious Face."

The Fourth Kind features Milla (Resident Evil) Jovovich as the allegedly “real” psychologist, Abbey Tyler. Abbey’s husband was murdered sometime before the beginning of the film and she is left a widow raising their tweenage son and little daughter who went blind after Daddy kicked the bucket. (Huh?) Through her clients Abbey begins to uncover some kind of  epidemic of really scary owl spottings through hypnosis sessions which she video tapes. These tapes are used to annoy the shit out of the audience during split screen segments featuring the “real” footage and the reenacted footage. Sometimes featuring four shifty frames alternating between shots and moving all over the screen. I am all for edgy editing but, man, when one shot is just a shot of a patrol car’s lights flashing how do you justify this decision?  This is just poor filmmaking.

Anyhoo, soon after one hypnosis session goes hilariously awry (Freak out and hoping over the couch breaking a table)  the patient promptly goes home, murders his family and himself in a standoff with the police. Abbey’s professional, rational, intelligent explanation? The Owliens are responsible. That’s right…Owls from outer space… And she ain’t gonna stop till she gets to the bottom of it, by golly!

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Abbey harming one of her many patients.

So she puts some more patients through horrible hypnosis sessions where they end up either dead or scarred for life. Soon she is contacted by an Owlien and has no recollection of it other than what she taped on her hand held tape recorder that I am sure she was planning to send to Diane over at FBI headquarters to inform her that “The Owls are Not What They Seem.”

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I get the feeling someone was watching their Twin Peaks box set when they wrote this sucker.

So, uh, we eventually find our the aliens speak Sumerian and really have no agenda other than abducting people and scaring the shit out of them. Abbey goes through her own gut bustingly funny hypnosis session in the hopes to get her daughter back from the evil Owliens. Abbey air humps off of the couch, unhinges her jaw and starts shouting Sumerian about God and the truth. Be warned, the footage of Abbey going all whacky is screwed up and hardly visible. Which is a shame because it looks highly entertaining. The Fourth Kind has the irritating habit of building up to something really cool and then cutting to the “real” footage which is all messed up and hardly visible. See, at least the Demon in Paranormal Activity knew not to fuck with the tapes! These Owleins are just assholes!

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Speaking of assholes, the Owliens have some probing to do! Abbey, meet my friend Ben Dover.

By the film’s end there are no answers, which is fine with me, but after two hours there’s no real conclusion either. The film just kind of stops. The scariest thing in the film is the face of the woman who is supposed to be the “real” Abbey Tyler who is interviewed throughout the film. I laughed through this entire movie but anytime the movie cut to the “real” Abbey and quieted down I got scared. Her face is horrifying and I kept waiting in suspense for an Owlien to rip out of her face or something to give us one final jump scare. Alas, she is just creepy looking and that’s all.

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"I need to find a better agent."

The Fourth Kind actually resembles something one might create out of scrapped pieces of film found in a dumpster. There are some talented people involved here including character actors Will Patton and Elias Koteas but they are given next to nothing to work with. Koteas plays one of Abbey’s friends and fellow psychologists by the name of Abel Campos. His main purpose in the film is to set up the compact little Sony camcorder, look smug and be skeptical. Patton plays the local Sheriff  who realizes all this Owlien stuff is complete bullshit and Abbey is just totally crazy. I got the feeling the Sheriff is meant to be the villain figure of the piece but I couldn’t help but root for the guy. Abbey is obviously two nuggets short of a Happy Meal and an endangerment to her chilrden and her patients.

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Some of the "real" footage.

But no amount of supporting cast talent could save this film. It’s just terrible. Maybe if the filmmakers had decided to go with either all filmed footage or fake “real” footage the movie would have been better than trying to fit both into one feature film. The result is muddled, confusing and pretty boring. The Fourth Kind is a film that not only falls short of hitting the bullseye, it flies past the board, off the brick wall and impales itself in the eye of the audience. It’s a vehicle without a map and a completely shit faced driver behind the wheel. It’s inept, stupid, pointless, plotless and has as many redeeming qualities as Spider-Man 3. Seriosuly. It’s that bad.

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The Eyes of the Owlien.

I cannot recommend The Fourth Kind to anyone but the bravest and most tolerant of us Trash Collectors. I’ve seen more than my share of poorly made Trash Cinema and I can find redeeming qualities in just about all of them. But in the case of The Fourth Kind it simply feels like a cheap, half hearted attempt at making something similar to The Blair Witch Project and we had to endure one of those already this year. I got a few chuckles out of the melodrama and the goofy abduction scenarios but I spent most of the movie looking at Jess and wondering how much longer could they possibly drag this movie out? Will this ever end? Is this real life?

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The Fourth Kind is a failure of the First Order. None of it works, none of it sticks, it’s not mindlessly fun, and it’s not even worthy of being called Trash Cinema. This is just pure cinematic monkey spunk.

Stay Trashy,

-The Primal Root

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Milla Jovovich. Much hotter than The Fourth Kind.

07
Nov
09

The Box…ambiguity is scary!

 

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a Primal Root review

So, here’s the deal. You receive a box from an elegant older gentleman with a half eaten face who decides to play Deal or No Deal. Ready to hear the conundrum? Okay, you have a little gadget with a seductive, bright red, candy like button on the top of it. Press that button and you receive One Million Dollars in cold hard cash but some poor schmuck you’ve never laid eyes on will die because of your short sighted greedy stupidity. If you don’t press it…well, yeah, nothing happens. You get 24 hours to chew on that before the game show buzzer from hell is picked up and taken away forever.

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Stimpy facing this same predicament back in the day.

This is the situation Norma (Ms. Diaz) and Arthur Lewis (James “Cyclops” Marsden) find themselves in back in 1976. Norma is a mild mannered disfigured school teacher whose gnarled foot she displays to her curious class in an early fetishistic scene. Her hubby Arthur works for NASA designing lenses for the Viking 1 which sends images back to Earth from the surface of Mars which brings the question of life on other planets into the equation.

"Think we'll be able to afford something to wash the blood off our hands?"

"Think we'll be able to afford something to wash the blood off our hands?"

Even before the button is even pressed ( I am not spoiling anything. This happens in the first 15-20 minutes) the Lewis families’  world is filled the the proverbial Richard Kelly strange shit and once pressed the strange shit gets magnified. People keep getting nose bleeds, there are suburban zombies, water portals (a recurring Kelly favorite) kidnappings, loss of senses, unexplained murder, huge leaps of logic, and the NSA. The late night gang who listens to George Noory on Coast to Coast AM will eat this stuff up with a knife and fork!

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And as any rational human being would have guessed there are some dire consequences for this decision. The decision to end one human being’s life for simple monetary gain sets off a chain reaction leading to far more difficult decisions.

The Box is filled with interesting ideas that don’t seem to congeal into a solid, finished piece. Like Kelly’s debut film, Donnie Darko, the film has all the logic of a fever dream. This is the kind of stuff I love, honestly. When a film isn’t afraid to not make sense or explain itself or to hand itself over in a neat little package. The Box is not that kinda movie. It’s not easy.

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Cameron Diaz lost without a map in The Box

It’s beautifully shot, expertly composed, unabashedly bizarre, and even well acted. Well, with the exception of Cameron Diaz, who is the canker soar on the gum line of this movie. Really, the film kept me interested as it hurled one idea after the another at me but every time Cameron Diaz showed her dopey face I was pulled right out of the film. Her acting is high school drama class caliber and is embarrassing to watch. She tries, you can see her straining to be credible, but her emotions just come off as completely false. Even in her most dramatic scenes you just can’t believe her. She needs to stick to Ashton Kutcher comedies.

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James Marsden is in The Box

Luckily, she has a damn fine supporting cast backing her up in the form of the dishearteningly underrated James “Cyclops” Marsden who gives a believable and well composed performance as the better half of the married couple. But the man who steals the show is the ever brilliant Frank Langella as the horribly scarred mystery man, Arlington Steward. This could easily have been a one note performance if handled by any other actor but Langella gives this character ominous overtones while also, somehow, being empathetic. There is a humanity behind all the formality and matter-of -factness.

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"Hello, I am Frank Langella. I am here to make your movie good."

Sure, The Box is weird, crazy and off kilter. It’s moody, mellow dramatic and prone to flights of fancy.  But at the end of the day it’s a brain teasing mystery. Ad if there’s one thing I love it’s a mystery. I am proud that Richard Kelly stays true to what he wants his work to be and refuses to make his films easily digestible. The Box could easily be seen as a metaphor for mankind’s relationship to God or as a fable of man’s inhumanity towards man, or even simply a film about alien invasion. They are all good theories but there are no clear answers here.

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The Box is a strange, pretty package filled with some sci-fi paradox’s. It is not a good film but it certainly an interesting one. At the end of the day it plays like David Lynch Lite.

Stay Trashy,

-The Primal Root

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Gillian Jacobs plays Dana the babysitter in The Box. Hot and a sense of humor!

02
Nov
09

Saw VI and the preexisting human condition

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a Primal Root review

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s that time of year again. That time of year where Lionsgate lets it’s cash cow franchise out of the stable and forces it to plop another stinky loaf of torture porn goodness onto the laps of us horror movie fans. I still blows my mind how this franchise continues to spawn entries when it seems every avenue , every possible angle has been explored. Every single possible way the series could justify a sequel by rewriting the past films with endless ham handed flashbacks to what was happening that we were not shown last time around has turned what was once a fun, twisted, bloody little franchise into a boring, convoluted snooze fest of a series. After taking in the lackluster face palmingly craptastic Saw V in 2008 it seemed the franchise had finally hit rock bottom. There was literally nowhere left to go, no plot lines left to develop. The fifth entry even lacked the series trademark twist ending, instead, it just summarized everything we had just seen. It was the laziest entry to date and it looked like the whole series, like it’s lead antagonist Jigsaw, had finally died.

I could not have been more incorrect. The Saw series is just going to keep hanging around like a turd that just won’t flush and like the goofy horror fan that I am I keep getting lured back year after year out of a morbid curiosity just to see what they can dream up next to make up a reason for this installments existence.

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These foolish games are tearing these guys apart.

Saw VI begins a brand new game featuring the scum sucker president of the Umbrella Insurance company who turned down Jigsaw  for a medical treatment that could have rid him of his cancer WAAAAY back before the events of Saw ever took place, and I believe, before the events in the flash backs from Saw IV took place…I dunno, it took place a while ago…Anyhoo, now this jerk has to decide who amongst his co-workers gets to live and who gets to die in three sadistic, assholish games devised by Jigsaw before his death in Saw III and executed by Jigsaw’s Cro-Magnon psycho monotone caveman apprentice, Detective Hoffman.

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Detective Hoffman prepares a death machine for one of the previous Saw films in one of numerous flashbacks in Saw VI.

Hoffman this time around is being fingered as the new Jigsaw after suspcion is raised once the finger prints of the now deceased Detective Straum (featured in Saw IV-Saw V where he was flattened like a pancake at the end) are determined to be that of a ,well, a dead guy. Hoffman is given much more screen time in this installment and finally is beginning to feel as if he kind of belongs here. I, personally, hate this character’s guts. Sure, Jigsaw was a monster but at least he was a man of principal no matter how sick and twisted those principals were. But Jigsaw is a sweet heart when compared to Hoffman who lives by one rule and one rule only. BRUTALITY. The guy is a sociopath who truly gets off on hurting people and watching people hurt each other. He is a loathsome creature on par with Freddy minus any kind of charisma.

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Betsy (Private School) Russell checks out the contents of the mysterious Jigsaw Box left to her in his last will and testament.

Also, the  always incredibly gorgeous and talented Betsy Russell (casting her was the best decision made in the franchise since casting Tobin) returns as Jigsaw’s ex-wife who is also helping to carry on the legacy of violence set forth by her late husband. The contents of the box she inherited in Saw…um IV is revealed…or was that Saw V? I dunno… What resides in the box is probably what you guessed all along. Nothing too earth shattering trust me.

Where Saw V had completely run out of steam and felt as if everyone involved was working their asses of just to drag this dead horse a little bit further Saw VI finds some pretty ripe subject matter by gouging into the health insurance industry and exploring the rotten side of this institution just about all of us have had to deal with at some point in our lifetime. Really, there’s a point in the film, where in flashback, the president of Umbrella Insurance mentions to Kramer (Jigsaw) at a fundraising party that they aren’t so dissimilar. See, the president of Umbrella decides who can be covered by his insurance and who cannot according to an equation that allows healthy people to gain coverage where those of us with preexisting conditions and truly NEED health care are denied straight out. In essence, deciding who lives and who dies. The president of Umbrella has no idea how close to the truth he is.

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Tobin Bell (Jigsaw) returns for some flashback fun and looks as bored as ever in Saw VI.

Jigsaw has devised several games where the President of Umbrella must choose who amongst his co-workers are deserving of having their lives spared. Most of these games are interesting and mildly cringe worthy. In one he must decide between a young loner who has no family and an older employee who has a huge family she would be leaving behind. How do you choose? In one game he must sacrifice his own well being and endure intense pain to try and help save the company attorney from having a poll shot through her skull.

And in possibly the best segment of the entire film our Umbrella President guy (who. I must mention, has some wicked side burns) must decide who among six of his more valuable employees are allowed to live. These six employees are called the Dog Pit (er, something like that) and they go through all the insurance claims looking for those who are lying in order to gain their much needed health insurance.  Now, these six are tied to a playground spin wheel which spins in a circle and stops every so often in order to shoot one of them in the chest with a shotgun. The Umbrella President has a button he can press to save only two of these six people. Needless to say these six people begin lying their asses off (i.e. “I’M PREGNANT!”, “HE’S BEEN STEALING COMPANY MONEY!” “I”LL LET YOU FUCK ME IN THE ASS LATER!, etc.) in order to try and convince the player to save their lives.

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The Wheel O' Death. Hands down the best game of the entry.

It’s certainly the most interesting and innovative concept the Saw franchise has come up with since the original trilogy ran it’s course. Sure, about half of the film is comprised of flash backs to events that took place off screen in just about every single entry in the Saw franchise in a desperate attempt for the current events in this installment to make a damn bit of sense, but the game itself and the knowledge that perhaps, just perhaps, the health insurance industry is almost entirely the one to blame for Jigsaw going on his little Rube Goldberg / God Complex inspired killing spree in the first place…so I don’t just get to blame the Health Insurance companies for the fact I can’t go to the doctor when I am sick and am unable to buy the medications I desperately need to survive because of preexisting health conditions but they are also responsible for the lame, played out series of torture porn films of the Saw franchise…jeez, the amount of evil these guys are capable of…

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Tendra won this coveted role in Saw VI from a VH1 reality show! Dream big, kids!

Sad to say that by the films end the Saw franchise drops the ball again by not going for a moral ending which would have vindicated Jigsaw’s methods and lessons in forgiveness ( the only person he ever helped with these goddamn games was Amanda and look what happened to her!) and instead goes for the graphic, goopy death the audience really wants to see.

Who is left alive at Saw VI’s ending has me concerned as to where the franchise might be headed. If we thought this franchise was dark and unnecessarily nihilistic I have a very, very, sick feeling we have yet to see the brutality a certain monotone, beefy douche bag is capable of. I cetainly hope the three movies dead Jigsaw was psychic enough to have some more plans in effect for Saw VII because I’m really concerned someone he loves just might be getting a visit next year.

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Lovely "O"Face there, kid.

Saw VI continues the horror soap opera with gusto and feels more in synch with the original trilogy than the series has in the previous two installments. It’s not a good film but it is certainly better than I had expected thanks to the current political focus on Health Care and Saw growing some balls and tackling something a bit more topical than usual.

Saw VI provides another bloody graphic endurance test. You won’t have much fun but your cynical side will surely smirk at the devious ways this franchise has come up with to keep the conveyor belt running.

Stay Trashy!

-Kevin

(The Primal Root)

Mann's Chinese Six

Betsy Russell: Still one of the most drop dead gorgeous and talented women on the planet.




Dumpster Diving

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