13
Apr
09

The Vulture’s Eye: A Cyber Slasher Review

Vulture’s Eye – hemorrhaging horny hounds on horses!

Review by: Ryan D. Libbert

 

          vultures_eye1  A headache, upset stomach, bad posture and a possible erection is all that is in store for those brave and or dim-witted enough to view the 2004 straight-to-convention vendor-release known as The Vulture’s Eye.

 

            An unknown amateur by the name of Frank Sciurba writes and directs this strange and awful tale through the grainy lens of what I assume is a home movie camera typically found in a pawn shop or mom and dad’s closet.

 

            The poor video quality laced loosely with agonizing audio (music, dialogue, and sound effects alike) does little to distract from what is already a confusing and vomit-inducing storyline.

           

            The plot opens by introducing Lucy, a very wealthy, bitchy and quite as busty young lady who lives in the equestrian-obsessed region of Virginia called Westenra Estate with her loving Camelot-buddies.  Aside from riding horses all day, the prideful folk of Westenra are gearing up for Lucy’s wedding day in which she is set to marry Arthur, an equally rich toad who is very catholic, very worrisome, and somehow very good in bed.

 

            The trail to paradise is spoiled however when Lucy and her pals are introduced to their new neighbor, Count Klaus Vogul, who is quickly invited into their world of cocktails and studding riding crops.  After which, things start turn awry.

 

            A failed dinner party which ends in Lucy’s rants of unfulfilled bedroom antics by Arthur raises the eyebrows of Foghorn Leghorn-inspired Dr. Van Helsing who uses his flamboyant “suthun chahm” to decree a war on Count Vogul.  The winner of which will retain the destiny of the souls of the Westerna clubhouse cronies.

 

            The following second half of the film is not as confusing but nearly twice as boring as we witness the perversion of Vogul, the heroics of Helsing and the male population of Weserna, and the same awful dialogue that smudged the brains of viewers during the first half.

 

            Near as I can tell; this whole film must have started with someone in a bar drunkenly stating “Hey guys! My friend Frank just got a video camera for Christmas. Let’s go make a movie!”  Budget is obviously something that could fit into your weekend drinking funds as evident from the poor video quality, untalented actors, meager audio value, and the absence of anything that resembles professionalism in filmmaking.

 

            Investors were not the only thing missing from the production value as it seems casting agencies were not called either.  Lack of acting talent is something I suppose has become a staple of trash cinema, but have ugly and fat people also become the norm?  Honestly, if you’re leading lady is portraying a character of promiscuity and seductiveness, then I think it’s highly regarded she be a fit and attractive actress to boot. Next time Frank, try splurging a little on some Trimspa for your lead talent. (*coughing in direction of Brooke Paller*)

 

Not worth the money to buy, not worth the time to watch, not even worth the effort of mentioning at bars and parties.  Vultures Eye keeps modern cinema tradition alive by proving correctly of the statement “Just because something is original doesn’t make it good.”  This film equals pure rubbish!


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