Ninja Cheerleaders – the blood, the beauty, and the botox
By Ryan D. Libbert AKA The Cyber Slasher
Well now as if the horror genre hasn’t gotten its fare share recently of campy movies featuring busty and bubbly sexbags stumbling through a plot, (I’m referring mainly to the recent trash joints as Zombie Strippers and Strippers vs. Zombies) The Asian Kung-Fu class got their full of sexploitation with this year’s neon bright epic titled Ninja Cheerleaders.
Written and Directed by David Presley, who gained the majority of his perverted visions in either the Army or Prison. This debacle tells the story of three of the most talented and dedicated gals this side of a burlesque house.
Courtney, Monica and April are the every-woman of men’s testosterone driven daydreams. They’re 18, beautiful, book smart, cheerleaders, martial artists, and strippers to boot (swimsuit models too from what I can gather off of poorly placed cinema montages). Fitting into their busy schedule of avoiding the sex-crazed perverts at the local junior college, vying for the chance to attend an Ivy League school, and hanging from a pole by their thighs in front of drooling sailors, these vixens also use their talents under the cover of night in training and espionage towards earning the coveted title of ninja.
The story opens as the 3 BFFs in kimonos break into an Army installation to steal an ancient Japanese kitana blade. Once retrieved and safe in the dojo, their sensei, Hiroshi, anoints them all ninjas. Life unfortunately does not turn to normal (as if it was?) for Courtney, Monica, or April as Hiroshi is kidnapped by the mob which therefore spoils their plans to compete in the annual strip-off and thereby shatters their dreams of attending Brown University…..trust me, it’ll all make sense just before the story’s climax.
Taking on the many villains a pointless film-garb could throw at an audience, the lead vixens are able to save the day from evil mafia scumbags while also taking care of conflicts with perverted students, perverted cheerleader coaches, perverted sailors, perverted detectives, and of course perverted stepdads. All this plus sharing a scene of emotional tears …proving once and for all that fierce ninja warriors do have feelings.
Leading the group is April, played by Ginny Weirick, who is leader by default simply because she’s the only brunette in the trio. April is the tough one who is quick to lead the charge of fists and fury during any conflict. Her anger issues are only overshadowed by her love of dancing, Sun Tzu and cutting off testicles.
Courtney, credited as Trishelle Cannatella, plays second banana to April’s confident lead by assuming role as the mature one of the group. She never backs down from any challenge be it physical, philosophical, or fancy footwork. Her tasseled curls and pearly white smile disguises an attitude controlled only by ninja discipline.
Rounding out the threesome is the lovable Monica, portrayed by Maitland McConnell. Monica is the sweet and innocent one who laughs naively in the face of authority with an alluring smile and charisma. Monica’s charm adds to the group in the same sense that Raya added to Jem and the Holograms.
The big hitter in Ninja Cheerleaders comes via science fiction’s number one homosexual, George Takei; who assumes the mantle of Hiroshi, sensei as well as owner and head bartender of the Strip Palace. Takei graciously steps away from the helm of the Enterprise to portray something more stereotypical of his caliber, the ageing and comical martial artist. Hiroshi proves his mark in one of the more entertaining sword battles witnessed in a movie (courtesy mostly due to stop-motion photography vice stuntmen) as well as semi-charming banter such as “Kick higher! Rape is still rape with sore thigh!”
With such absurdities wrapped in an awesome reel of fun, one would be surprised to find that none of the three leading ladies bare any bush or nip during the entire film, nudity is actually down to a minimum which surprisingly raises an eyebrow by most critics and fans.
It’s not quite 3 Ninjas and it’s not quite Bring It On, but Ninja Cheerleaders still offers its own unique taste of garbage. Despite the enormous lack of violent gore and gratuitous sex, this film is still considered trash just due to the plot and characters alone.