Hey Gang! As luck would have it, our official May Trash Cinema Night at Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack here in Tallahassee Florida just so happens to fall on May4th. You know, “May the Fourth Be With You!” what many consider Star Wars Day! So, to celebrate we are hosting our first ever TRIPLE FEATURE honoring the Trashier Side of the Star Wars Legacy!
Beginning at 6:30 pm (EST) we will be showing in this order:
Star Wars Holiday Special: (1978) which aired on CBS, tells the tender story of Chewbacca and Han Solo as they drop by Kashyyyk, Chewbacca’s home world, to celebrate Life Day. but it’s a bumpy ride as the Empire’s after Han and everyone’s favorite Wookie! Featuring bizarre dance numbers, comedy sketches, the late Bea Arthur, Harvey Korman in black face and drag simultaneously, the first ever appearance of Boba Fett (in an animated short) and a rousing performance by Jefferson Starship, The notoriously awful Star Wars Holiday Special will fill your heart with Trashy delight and make you long for the prequels. Featuring Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, R2-D2 and Harrison Ford!
Spaceballs:is Mel Brooks’ classic 1987 Sci-Fi comedy spoof of the Star Wars franchise. Planet Spaceball has used up all of it’s air supply and it’s diabolical leader, President Skroob (Mel Brooks), has come up with fiendish plan to steal the oxygen from Planet Druidia by sending DarK Helmet (Rick Moranis) to kidnap Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga) and hold her for ransom. It is up to Lone Star (Bill Pullman) and his sidekick Barf (John Candy) to save the day! Also featuring Joan Rivers, Dick Van Patten, and George Wyner, Spaceballs has become a cult classic and the unrivaled Star Wars spoof!
Turkish Star Wars (English Dub): : (1982) we’ll be showing an English dubbed version of this Turkish science fiction adventure film notorious for it’s ridiculous dialog, acting, costumes, effects and unauthorized use of Star Wars footage. fighter pilots Murat and Ali crash land on a desert planet following a battle that closely resembles the final battle in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. Both men speculate the planet is inhabited only by women, but when Murat let’s loose his Wolf Whistle, in order to attract the lovely ladies, he instead calls down an army of skeletons on horseback wielding swords. this is just the beginning of this absurd, over the top, goofy-as-all-Hell Star Wars wannabe. Trust us, this one is NOT TO BE MISSED!
So come on out and join The Trash Cinema Collective at 6:30pm (EST) to celebrate the rarely celebrated part of the Star Wars legacy at Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack in Tallahassee Florida! As Always, NO COVER! sink you teeth into one of the BEST damn burgers in town, wash it down with an ice cold brew and kick back from some down and dirty Trash Cinema from a galaxy far, far, away! See you there!
Hey Gang! It’s your pal The Primal Root here with a brand new round of Guess the Garbage! The game where I gather a few random screen caps, spatter them here across The Trash Cinema Collective blog and let you take educated and/or wild stabs in the dark as to what Trash Cinema films I tore them from all in the hopes of no reward whatsoever other than having your name plastered below the image you correctly guessed and bragging rights that are sure to get you laid when you tell that special someone how incredibly fucking awesome you are! Longest run on sentence I’ve ever typed? Doubtful. Anyhoo, without any further a due, here’s your garbage! Just post your guesses in the comment section of this post an whoever answers correctly first gets all the glory. Good luck, and Stay Trashy! -Root
1. “Amityville II: The Possession” Guessed by Jason
Hey Gang! It’s your pal The Primal Root here with a brand new round of Guess the Garbage! The game where I gather a few random screen caps, spatter them here across The Trash Cinema Collective site and let you take educated and/or wild stabs in the dark as to what Trash Cinema films I tore them from all in the hopes of no reward whatsoever other than having your name plastered below the image you correctly guessed and bragging rights that are sure to get you laid when you tell that special someone how incredibly fucking awesome you are! Longest run on sentence I’ve ever typed? Doubtful. Anyhoo, without and further a due, here’s your garbage! Just post your guesses in the comment section of this post an whoever answers first gets all the glory. Good luck, and may Cthulhu bless! -Root
Number One: Tobe Hooper’s ‘Eaten Alive’ guess by Jim Stramel
Number Two
Number Three: Fright Night Part 2 Guessed by Steven
Number Four: Beneath the Valley of the Ultra Vixens Guessed by Scott Porter
WHEW! Sorry about the wait! It’s been a crazy few months since I last reported back to you with a Rotten Review. I never expected for things to get crazier than they did when I reviewed From Beyond and accidentally went dimension hopping with a tentacle sporting dominatrix chick, learning the fine art of optical cavity oral sex, battling tentacle creatures from Hell and stimulating my pineal gland…All Root ever wanted was a quiet evening behind the purple counter at Tallahassee’s last standing video rental store, Video 21.
Alas, I soon realized as I always do, there is NEVER a quiet night when there’s Trash Cinema to be watched. So, in the latest Rotten Review adventure, prompted by a strange customer clad in nothing but a chain mail banana hammock and a double bladed axe, I decided to check out an all time favorite, low rent, down and dirty, sword and sorcery, blood soaked, magic fueled, TnA heavy pieces of Trash Cinema Gold, 1983′s ‘Deathstalker’!
So come along with me and let’s check out some of our Trash cinema heritage and try to survive a little bit of spacial displacement. It’s all in a days work for The Primal Root! Prepare yourself for: Mutant Beatles, people so sweaty they look like glazed doughnuts, multiple molestations, topless large breasted sword fighting, simultaneously funny and disturbing gender bending, giant pig monsters, lots of wrastling, homoerotic overtones, hardcore parties, bloody Mortal Kombat, bitter filthy Muppets in caves and that’s just what I can think of off the top of my head as I recuperate! And what would a Trash Cinema event be if you didn’t make some new friends? And, holy cow, did I make some incredibly sexy, and brutal ones this time out!
So, without any further a due, I present to you the latest exploits of your buddy Root in The Primal Root’s Rotten Reviews Episode 25: Deathstalker!
Welcome my fellow Gommorrahns to another episode of Uncle Grumpyfuk’s insightful and …uh, evinrude observations concerning …cinematic… intacies..intricies..intr.. …in-tri-ca-ci-ties… intricate stuff, whatever! FUCK! Sit d.. shove those poultry magazines and crusty tissues off the couch and throw that towel over the dark spot, NEVERMIND THE SMELL!!! ..sigh- and sit down. Shit, please stop my brain from spinning oh Crom.
I apologize folks, the tabs will be kicking in any minute and I’ll have some energy and get the peach fuzz off my brain- you know that Beatles (*) tune ;
Well she was just un-der-eight,
and it was tastin’ mighty great,
when I heard a knock,
a knock on my front door-or!
Yeah i-i-in came the cops and her pareeents! Ohhhh,
I was-still-holding-the-Mazola-
and-the-octopus-tentacle,
and she-was paaaassed-ooout aawwwn the-floor!
Well Uncle Grumpyfuk’s having one of those kinda mornings, I’m SURE you know what I mean.
(*) I’m sure you’ve recently heard of the lucky asswipe that hit an estate sale and found hand written lyrics by members of the Fab Four (**) amongst some old paperwork. He’s going to make some serious bank, lucky fucker – these are actually some of the alternate lyrics, released by stickyourgoddamncopyrightsupyouroozingrectum.com (***)
(**) In actuality the lyrics presented herein were NOT written by the Beatles. Neither the cute one or the wussie one, nor the good one or the lucky one had anything to do whatsoever with these lyrics, it was me. Seriously, it was…what? You think the Beatles could write lyrics that good?!? You are fucking insane.
(***) Actually no such website exists that I know of,I didn’t really check or anything, if there is it was a lucky guess- as far as I’m concerned I made that up too. Yes I did indeed! I know- O Henry, Saki, Shatner, Dickens, yep I know – thanks!
Whew, hell I haven’t even told you what movie we’re doing..oh, well I guess you read the title. Ok fine Monsieur Smartass! Ahem, today I’ll be reviewing a movie dear to Uncle Grumpyfuk’s heart, directed by the master Ray Dennis Steckler,with a title that deserves an Oscar in itself; “The Incredibly Strange Creatures That Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies” , top that Scorsayze.. Scoresasee…Scorsaysie…Coppola! You bitch!
It begins with the highest crane shot I’ve ever seen of a rollercoaster in an amusement park on Long Beach that no longer exists, because the human race sucks. Next we find ourselves down in the park amongst the crowd in front of Mme Estrella’s Gypsy Fortune Telling tent and the camera moves forward, while filming(!) such innovative technique from a young Steckler! Amazing. Then, we move through the curtain and are transported, as if by magic, inside the tent! Huh, ‘Avatar in 3′D’ – phttt,what hog-waste!
We meet our sultry clairvoyant trying to attract a pudgy boozehound with her crotch-sweat, he actually reviles her and suggests she engage in intimate physical relations with one of her fellow carnival workers who was afflicted from birth with horrific physical handicaps, indicating that their unfortunate disfigurement delegated them as something less than normal! Enraged at his stunning political incorrectness and aggrieved for the delicate emotions of the disgusting freaks she calls forth Ortega, her debonaire companion, who’s makeup job of cotton swabs and cigarette ashes would not be equaled until a full 3 decades later with ‘A Joan Rivers Christmas Extravaganza’. Ortega’s Clark Gable-esque features and manner cannot help but impress- oh Ortega you devil! ..and the way Steckler executes the scene, with Ortega entering from behind the curtains, as if he emerged from a portal to another dimension, once again,amazing.
Well, Ortega subdues the slobbering sot and holds him wallowing helplessly as our ravishing gypsy demonstrates what happens when you try the Chinese water torture with corrosive acid, fun stuff indeed! She then commands Ortega to put the ‘feelthy peeg’ in the back with the others and our hopes begin to soar.
The first act is over and as the credits begin there appears a nice semblance of our director’s face which, as the credits proceed, evolves, like magic into the hideous countenance of Eddie Van Halen! Utter, soul-wrenching fright ensues. What an innovative and chilling intro by Steckler. The phantom cry from very shade of DW Griffith himself, at the moment that scene was originally shot, could be heard across the unimaginable distances from limbo itself claiming, ” Heeeelp! Talulah Bankhead and Barbara Stanwick are after me, trying to lop of my testicles with a crosscut saw and Hilary Clinton isn’t getting any younger!” Higher praise one simply could not ask for.
The next scene begins abruptly with the discordant laughter of a mechanical carnival clown that looks like Ross Perot and another head, a pirate or a priest or something, that those two assholes on that antique pickers show would give 30 bucks for, for both ,then we’re outside a cafe/dinner theater like in Amsterdam except there aren’t 7 people and a goat fucking on stage while salad is being served. What a shame, that always gets my appetite going!
A couple I like to call ‘Pat and Pat’, a rather masculine female (Steckler’s actual wife at the time) that looks like Mary Ellen from the Waltons and a rather feminine male that looks like Brigitte Nielsen are doing a pretty cool dance number, (what the fuck do I know), they finish and Pat dashes back to her room (see what I did there? that’s called…some writing term, shit, I don’t know) to swill Witch Hazel when she spots a dark feline creature glaring balefully at her from atop a box of Whiskas, and a terrified shriek erupts from under her boobs – her familiar has found her once more and she shudders as she hears the Dark Lord’s crappy voice singing ‘Bim Bam Baby’. Soon she knows she must join Sinatra and the rest of the Rat Pack and endure Sammie’s Uncle Tom routine for all eternity, that there is no escape. At that moment however her manager bursts into the room, scoops up the hissing monster and tosses it out into the hall- slamming the door before enraged Sir Scruffalot could re-enter the room, problem solved!
Now, finally we’re introduced to the main character, the true rebellious teen idol of the 1960s; Cash Flag, otherwise known as our beloved director Ray Dennis Steckler! Acting, direction, production, what a talent! Yes my friends Cash Flag, three times as cool as James Dean and Steckler didn’t have to take it up the ass to attain his fame like that fucking toy-boy poser! Cash is tre-fucking-cool, we open at his pad where he and his hip Greek buddy Harold, (who is from Greece and has a voice like Ahnold before he screwed his housekeeper and himself in the rump) are kickin’ back talking about Cash’s old lady and her uptight but totally fuckable mom, when Harold suggests Cash possibly get some means of employment to improve his relationship and get in that milf’s ass! Cash, horrified at the thought of a job delivers one of his classic lines which says it all, “The world is here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed, that’s what work does, it makes you feel depressed.” Yeah, fuckin’a right buddy, we should all live off of gummi bears and expresso and crap out the window, hell yeah! ..Anyway the ‘dynamic two guys’ head over to Cash’s squeeze’s pad where her mom is giving her shit for not putting out for the the ‘nice boy’, you’ve all heard it before girls, I know you have. They take off and hit the beach where they frolic, see, when you’re cool like Cash you can do shit and not worry about it – you can frolic, ya know what I’m saying? Word.
The trio go over to the amusement park and decide to ride on the roller coaster, Cash tries to persuade his bird to give him a bj for the ‘fun photo’ camera but no dice, so they hit the Gonad Lift and hock luggies into the baby cribs passing by below, good old fun like kids used to have the kind of fun that’s been taken away from them, just like lynchings! It’s terrible.
Meanwhile Pat is still swilling on her Witch Hazel, an oreo is on stage telling the worst jokes with the delivery of a third grader with autism, then Pat and Pat begin their act with Pat staggering around like Whitney Houston on meth..oh come on, screw you, no one was surprised about that shit! ..and Pat ends up faceplanting on stage like Whit..oh fine, like your mother after a night out with the Cult of the Red Hat, yeah! Ha! However the crowd was entertained so all is well. She rushes backstage followed by her oppressive manager, and dives back into the bottle. He tells her to continue drinking- the audience loved it and it gave him sadistic pleasure at watching her humiliate herself and Pat onstage, it is really funny when you think about it, and that if she quits, she’s fired.
Later that night they’re still riding the coaster, apparently the operator suffered a major stroke getting a hummer from a 10-year-old for a caramel apple and a coke razor necklace so they’re stuck up there for the moment! Haunted by her encounter with Sir Scruffalot, Pat seeks solace from Mme Estrella who tells her of two possibilities concerning her future, that she will die very soon or get knocked up by a spade with a huge choad sending her fleeing in terror, out of the tent and knocking Harold head-over-heels as the kids stand outside the tent. The intrigued youngsters enter the gypsy’s tent to see what the hubbub is about, however our hot-ass gypsy’s clairvoyant vision is clouded by the smell of Harold’s hair cream so she basically gives them the same old ‘one of you will die!’ spiel. This enrages Cash who swears bloody revenge on the smokin’ cougar, the Roma bitch stole Harold’s wallet though so she’s got it coming. Oh man that mole on her face does something down in the groinal region, you know? Sure you do! Fuck yeah! Groins!
The kids head back out into the park and they find some hootchie’s dancin’ on stage, led by Estrella’s sister, the exotic and mysterious Carmalita, with a look so alluring it would make oatmeal remain at room temperature! Cash is immediately hooked as if he’d received a particularly tasty dose of smack, or in Carmalita’s case, smuck. He ditches his friends like a pair of tranny hookers after your wad is blown and enters the tent.
Outside the tent the carnival barker asks one of the hotter dancing girls if she’d like to go out on a date, now check this out, at her house, cooking steak for him in her kitchen! That is some serious Fonz-like coolness there my friends, yes sirree! Since I heard that line 4 women have slapped the shit out of me and another told me to ‘get fucked’- 2 of them because I tried that line! I’ve got to work on that one, learn to make it work, yes sir!
Now comes the first musical/dance number with a bevy of super-hot dancing girls in slaughtered zebra flesh outfits (yum!), and a troupe leader with a set of gams that go up to her eyebrows, yow! They do a cool number then Carol Kaye sings “It Only Hurts When He Doesn’t Use Lube”, a softer/slower song, she’s got a great voice, it’s a nice song. (See how nice I’m being? See, I like this film and Steckler! Understand? Otherwise…)
Then comes Carmalita’s ‘strip’-'tease’, no pole – I know, can you believe it? Cash stares, riveted, as Carmalita proceeds to.. not really strip and.. not really dance… oh baby! As he watches, like some phantom from a haunted tobacco field, Ortega materializes in a puff of smoke behind Cash and hands him a note from Carmalita asking if he’s interested in a threesome with Estrella and herself? Cash can hardly contain his excitement, lucky fucker!
After ‘accidentally’ barging into the dancers’ dressing room, no bush or anything by the way, not even a nipple(!), Cash finds the gypsy strumpet in her dank and poorly lit dressing room. She bids him go behind some curtains and he excitedly envisions a rickety cot with stained sheets a-waiting, yet when the curtains part he’s confronted with the dreaded ‘hypnotic cheese wheel’, that, you know, hypnotizes you..with cheese..surrounded by Ortega and her sister. He falls helplessly under the irresistible spell of the cheese wheel, the smell of stilton is simply more than his weakened senses could take. Mme. Estrella succeeds in mesmerizing our helpless teen heartthrob as Ortega huffs on dried cow dung and Carmalita..just sorta stands there and one wonders, where can I find a hot gypsy outfit in a childs size 5?!? Estrella commands Cash to…do something, we’re not actually let in on it, you think we would be but ..oh, I see! Steckler is building suspense! How could I have doubted his genius? Shit. Then the camera spins round and around, real artistic-like, fuck it’s things like that that make the universe worth not destroying!
Back at the music theater a really really white guy on bennys is droning on,wondering where your heart is so he can cut it out and devour it, then the oreo introduces Pat and Pat who begin their dance routine, then we are treated, nay, honored to behold the most awesome murder scene in the history of motion pictures, it’s just that damn great, man!!!
Pat and Pat begin their routine as usual, unfortunately Pat, having gone to see Mme. Estrella, had neglected to down her required dose of Witch Hazel so she’s actually dancing ok when she turns around to face Pat, and there, looming, like the silent-film Nosferatu rising from his coffin, his eyes transfixing your gaze as icy terror tugs at the shoe-strings of your crappy-ass Walmart Nike ripoff sneakers, like turning on the radio to be confronted with the life-stealing, banshee-like wail of Glee, and when you lunge at the control knob to change the station it breaks off in your trembling hand…wait,what the fuck was I talking about? …oh, right, cough… as Pat turns there in front of her looms Cash, our beloved Cash, Ray Dennis Steckler himself, standing, raised blade in hand, with a look in his eyes that will haunt your mortal soul,( yeah that’s right, you ain’t going nowhere after you croak, suckers!), the intense helplessness, the visible inner struggle between the opposing forces of his two brains (wink!), the feral rage invoked by the vengeful gypsy..who’s still hot as shit, I don’t care I totally would, that crusty wart might feel good on the tip …sigh, anyway, all of this and probably less does Pat see in his frenzied stare as the knife flashes downward like the sword of Damocles itself into her.. cheekbone. ..( How is THAT for a run-on sentence my fellow miscreants? I coulda broken it up but fuck it, a new personal record! Yeah!) The wounded and stunned Pat hits the floor like soggy hamburger meat and Cash proceeds to stab her fallen body over and over, enjoying the delicious warmness of here life’s blood covering his hands,mmmm. Then he turns his basilisk gaze to Pat, who is standing there totally aroused and shitting himself, and again the blade slices down, in a downward direction, and Pat turns to show how a cheap bloody make-up job can look pretty darn cool. He hits the floor to join Pat and their running blood mingles together as the delighted audience howls for more! The zombie-like Cash, his mission accomplished, exits stage left and chaos ensues as the audience rushes forward to take photos and vids to post on youtube for a thousand bucks, and a couple of particularly savvy souls gather up the blood to sell on ebay – smart! Let that be a lesson to you all, don’t squander a perfectly good opportunity to profit off of the misfortunes of others! You snooze, you lose!
What a scene, you just want to hit the pause button, whip it out and go at it until a 2-ply sheet of Bounty simply ain’t enough, you know what I mean!?! ..and isn’t that what art is all about? Uncle Grumpyfuk says hell yes! You’re fuckin’a right it is! Groins! Woo!!!
Next our ingenious director and crew really strut their stuff and we see Cash thrashing about in his bead, haunted by the coolest dream sequence in all of film, I am fucking serious damn it! Super-imposed images flash across the screen, the dancing girls and Cash, played by Pat, with Darth Maul’s makeup, dancing and whirling around, smoke, fire, camel toes, Estella, Ortega’s dashing features, all choreographed and filmed by the future award-winning crew. It’s a haunting and totally addictive scene you just want to watch over and over, it’s like smack without the puking! Glorious.
The next morning Cash cruises over to his old lady’s house to see if she’s sorry for being such an uptight bitch, when, during the conversation she begins to spin an open umbrella which vaguely reminds us, and Cash, of the hypnotic cheese wheel. This pisses him off and he begins to throttle Angie Baby’ – she deserves some roughing up anyway for that crap attitude of hers. Gotta keep’em in line or before you know it they’ll want to start driving and voting and shit! Crazy times. He gleefully continues, enjoying the warm feel of her convulsing trachea in his cold hands when he sees the image of Pat’s face and squeezes Angie’s delicate neck all the harder, achieving a righteous boner in the process. Suddenly her brother Madison,who can’t wait any longer for his turn, throws Cash to the ground and as Angie stares with bemused curiosity at Cash, her brother takes over and finishes throttling her, living the dream.
Cash, meanwhile, flees the scene and wanders around the city, giving us some great camera shots of an LA lost in the past and eventually he makes his way back to the carnival for some serious payback for the playful gypsy duo. His mistake however was in not bringing along his one-man Greek posse for backup, and Cash is quickly hypnotized all over again and once more sent out to kill..someone, which turns out the be the dancer who was going to cook steak for the tre-cool barker. We arrive at her pad and she’s about to light up when she looks down her long poorly-lit hallway and spots Steckler, knife in hand, stalking down the hall towards her, knife again raised for action and dispatches her after a brief struggle. Then the barker knocks on the door, sees the light go out, smells that hot poon a-waiting’, or so he thinks as he enters,calling her name. WE see his silhouette and then Cash’s silhouette behind his, knife raised, end of scene. Spooky stuff folks – Hitchcock Shmitchcock, this is the shit right here!
Now we’re treated to the best of the dance/song numbers as Carol Kaye and the girls get ‘Shook out of Shape’! I fucking love this song so fucking much it’s almost criminal, and the addition of Carol in a hilarious but totally hot rooster tail outfit and the smoking hot dancing girls…whew, damn, settle down boy, settle down! Apparently the dancers had no rehearsal time for these numbers but those bare legs are a kicking and pumping, yea-howdy!!!
After dispatching the dancing girl at her house Cash mechanically heads back to the carnival to get his ‘reward’ from the gypsy couple, woo-hoo! However his reward,instead of a nice threesome turns out to be a bunch of acid in the face – I’d take the two gypsy bitches myself but to each his own! Our poor hero stand as the corrosive liquid dissolves his pristine features, though we don’t actually see anything, turning him into a ..mixed up zombie! somehow..or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Estrella and Ortega lead the helpless post-op teen to be put with the ‘others’,however as the cage door opens the mixed up zombies escape by..walking out of the door! I guess it takes mixed up zombies a while to figure things out, you know? They then attack Estrella and Ortega, can you believe it?!? After supplying the pathetic creatures with a filthy cage for a home, 2 bowls of gruel a day and hourly anal punishment this is the thanks they get? Talk about gratitude! Jeez! Outnumbered, the conniving couple quickly succumb to the zombies’ mixed up assault and we shed a tear; never again will we be dazzled by Ortega’s suave manner and good looks, or be turned on by Estrella’s mole,it’s almost too much to bear! Sniff.
Hearing the commotion Carmalita moves to investigate but is quickly dispatched by a zombie, then all hell breaks loose. The zombies wander into the cafe and then the last dance number, the now famous ‘Zombie Stomp’ begins. After the entertainment the cops burst in and start shooting everything that moves, followed by Harold, Angie Baby and Madison, who are searching for Cash to get their paychecks! Cash, seeing them enter, jumps out of the window and tries to take a powder, hoping to avoid paying any of the actors involved in the film now that the movies is ending, so the trio takes off after him, followed by the police, sounds familiar eh? Ha!
The chase moves to the ocean and when he gets a clear shot the cop raises his pistol. “Do it!” scream the actors, “The insurance company will pay us what he owed us!”,so he takes the shot. Poor Cash plummets onto the rocks below and into the ocean,but miraculously makes it back to shore, still hoping to escape- one tough motherfucker! Yet he finally collapses on the sandy ground and buys the farm, and a not terribly bright and rather lazy and cheap star has been extinguished, sniff, and the actors sue the insurance company and get their dough after 2 years of court appearances and Angie Baby blowing the judge. The End.
There you have it folks and just in the nick of time, Uncle Grumpyfuk just ran out! Time to go on the hunt if you know what I mean! (wink!wink!) So until next time my fellow ugnugs, this is your favorite little teddy bear all covered with mold and spunk reminding you, “There’s no such thing as too much lube or too small a hole!” Groins! Woo!!!
For me, there is one television show that has always put me instantly in the mood for Halloween. That show is, of course, HBO’s Tales from the Crypt. The anthology series that ran from 1989 to 1996 based off the classic E.C. horror comic books. They featured dark, sick and often times hilarious morality tales where karma always comes around and chops your head off with an axe for your gruesome misdeeds. Not only that, but since Tales from the Crypt was shown on premium cable, they got to show all kinds of graphic violence, filthy language, and from time to time even showcased an lovely set of bare female breasts.
And who is our Master of Ceremonies through these twisted tales of blood caked terror? None other than the infamous Crypt Keeper who, with a wink and a stab, book-ended every tale always with face palmingly bad puns and jokes that made us love him (or hate him) even more. You always respected the Crypt Keeper. He doesn’t care if you laugh, he knows what he is doing. Give him shit and he will KILL YOU. He’s the mother fuckin’ CRYPT KEEPER. So step off, haters.
Anyhoo, the series began to come into it’s own and gained a following. Now, somewhere along the way folks in the promotions department at HBO decided it would be a great idea for there to be a Tales from the Crypt music video. What band would they use? None. Just the Crypt Keeper. And let’s have him rap. With puns. Add some extremely 90′s background dancers and this is the final result…
Yes sir, we’re gonna have skele-TONS of fun! And I have a feeling this will get GRAVE reviews. The Crypt Keeper is in. The. House.
Word.
It’s a bizarre mishmash of elements all being shot at out ocular cavities at rapid fire speed. First off, you have the Crypt Keeper rapping as well as getting down with his bad self amongst a group of about twenty or so dancers who don’t find it strange in the last to be bumping and grinding with a decomposed, re-animated hip-hop enthusiast.
Make sure to stay tuned for Dream On! It's the BREAST show on TV!
Secondly, you have the two pop and lock zombie fellows who dress in 80′s Chuck E. Cheese server uniforms and can’t play wind instruments no matter how much the video wants to make us believe.
Undead trumpet playing Chuck E. Cheese employees are the glue that hold this piece together.
Thirdly, who doesn’t enjoy multiple shots of women’s torsos? No arms, no legs, no face, just the boobulcaological region. Was this prevalent in a lot of music videos during this period? I don’t really recall despite watching tons of MTV during my misspent youth. I guess if they did it would in some way explain my mild obsession with mammary glands.
Thank you, I wanted to make sure these women had boobs before the video went any further.
And possibly my favorite shot of the entire video, The Cryp Keeper ogling some spandex clad bootox as it is wiggled in his face before he gives us a look and utters “Oh Jam!” What? Oh jam? What the hell does that even mean? Either way, I just love the idea of The Crypt Keeper checking out some woman’s ass and getting excited over it. Can he even do anything about his excitement at this point in his decomposition? I mean, really. Well, I guess he can still JAM I’m sure he can still, well, jam. WAIT! I Get it now!
She started out as the BUTT of every joke, but under my TOOT-elage she will go very FART! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAhahaheeeee....
Well, there you have it, The Crypt Keeper’s foray into hip-hop music videos. He didn’t quite make the impact of Grand Master Flash, Biggie Smalls, or even Vanilla Ice for that matter. But, you know what? The guy knows how to throw a party and look pretty damn gangsta while laying down the dope puns. It’s a strange and awkward little artifact of a pretty damn cool show from 90′s era HBO. It’s a mindless, fun, ridiculous mess like many of the movies we praise here at the Trash Cinema Collective. Maybe that’s why I enjoy it so much.
Recently I was arranging the shelves at Video 21 when I came across a movie I hadn’t seen since I was in the single digits. A sexy sci-fi farce called Galaxina. I didn’t remember much about it so I decided to give it a go. Sadly, for the most part, what I found was a kind of luke warm Dark Star/Barbarella rip-off in addition to a poorly written Star Wars/ Star Trek spoof. The gags aren’t funny, the jokes are repetitive and dull and the movie simply fails to be in any way engaging.
However, there are a couple moments, 5 in fact, that are just so bizarre and trashy they work.
5. Maurice: The Token Black Alien
Everyone else on board the intergalactic space police cruiser (excluding Rock Eater) is human with the exception of Maurice. He looks human for the most part other than the fact he has pointy Vulcan ears and a set of tiny wings that won’t allow him to fly anymore. Could this be a thinly veiled message about how the primarily white crew of this ship is keeping an interstellar black man down in a galaxy far, far, away? A creature who was once able to fly now cannot because perched on top of him are his managers. Maurice is a man who cannot fly free. He lives on a ship where he is paid to fix the force fields when the playboy pilots get ‘em all banged up during gun battles that could have been easily avoided. Here’s to you Maurice! Another blue collar guy who just can’t catch a break. Stay strong, buddy.
4. The Egg Scene
Three of our crew members gather around a dining room table completely covered in lit candles, which seems a little dangerous to have inside a space ship, while Galaxina serves them dinner. As the meal progresses Capt. Butt ( yep, funny hu?) notices Buzz has a strange egg with him. Butt then goes into a bit of a speech about how human’s used to eat eggs well knowing where they came from and how sick and disgusting an act it was. Once he’s finished, he takes the egg from Buzz, cracks that brown, turd looking egg over his goblet , pours the green and red contents in and then slurps the goopey contents down. It’s a revolting moment and possibly one of the only affecting scenes in Galaxina. To watch it is to know what the contents of your own stomach taste like.
3. Kitty’s Place
Hit it, Maurice!
Star Wars had the infamous Cantina scene. Well, Galaxina does it one better with an Intergalactic Whore House! Sure, bizarre and intriguing characters can always be found in bars all over the universe but did no one think of what might be lurking in this house of ill repute? I’m sure space truckers need to get laid from time to time to keep from flipping their shit and killing off their crew out of some form of libido cabin fever. Hence, Kitty’s Place! A place where creatures from across the stars gather to spread their legs, or what have you, for some quick space currency. Sadly, we never get to see any of these alien/android/girls painted blue, actually get it on with anyone. But I guess some things are best left to the imagination of the warped viewer.
2. Projected Boob Fondling
Um, no boob fondling. But here's Rock Eater instead!
In one of the strangest scenes I’ve ever witnessed in a sci-fi movie, Sgt. Thor and Buzz get a call from someone looking to brief them on an upcoming mission. Col. Butt is asleep so the young lady delivering the message sympathizes with Thor and Buzz who haven’t touched live lady flesh in several decades. So what does she do? She opens up her blouse and whips those puppies out for the boys to fondle via video feed. What? The effect itself hardly holds up, it looks as if someone is projecting footage onto the wall and these two bozos are going up to the projected image and are acting like they are actually handling her happy sacks. Best of all, she acts as if SHE CAN FEEL IT! It’s a scene that lasts about three minutes, if that, but it will leave a lasting impression. It’s just so damn refined
1. Galaxina
What can I say? The only real reason to see this movie is because of the title character. Galaxina is a sight to behold. Played by the late Dorothy Stratten, who was murdered shortly after the film’s release in 1980, Galaxina is sexy, brainy, and innocent as only a robot learning to love can be. While the men are in “Cryosleep” Galaxina programs herself to speak, to be warm to the touch, to no longer shock people who attempt to pinch her ass, and to wear revealing lingerie. In the film’s final act it is not the men who leave the ship to do battle with villainy, it is Galaxina. Sure, the guys have to save her eventually, but she holds her own in battle and even in a shoot out. Which is more than can be said for her human male counterparts. Galaxina is a well built piece of machinerary that can kick your ass and love you like none other.
If there’s one thing this film has going for it, it would our voluptuous android, Galaxina.
Oh boy, Friday the 13th Part 3 is really a mixed bag of trash goodies. It was the 1983 film that ushered in the brief Reagan era 3-D craze. And ever since it’s theatrical run, until recently, every copy you came across was the 2-D version so there’s dozens of shots where things like poles, snakes and eyeballs come lunging at the camera. Seeing this movie for the first time on Cinemax when I was all of 12 in an age before the internet was widely available I had no idea this was originally shot in 3-D and thought it was the weirdest damn thing I’d ever seen. Was this some filmmaking technique I’d never heard of? Why the hell are so many of these shots from the victims perspective? Why is EVERYTHING lit?
Of course, now I own a copy that includes the 3-D gimmick, but I still prefer watching this sucker in 2-D. It’s just so much more fun. And less headache inducing.
But a film should be judged on it’s storytelling merit rather than how well the gimmick works and Friday the 13th part 3 feels a little off kilter as an entry in the original 4 part series of Friday films. And this begins right out of the gate with Harry Manfedini’s retooling of his affective trademark score into a catchy disco track which plays over popping 3-D credits. This does not evoke any kind of dread but it sure does make me want to shake my booty. Not exactly what I was expecting going into a Friday the 13th flick.
The Heart Warming "Shitting" Scene.
Picking up hours after the events of Friday the 13th part 2 this film features a new, drastically different looking Jason. No longer a slim, hairy, sack headed redneck, J-Man has at some point that day shaved, changed clothes and pounded some weight gain shakes as to be more formiddable this time around. Jason is fucking BUILT in this installment and looks like he could pick you up and break you in half over his knee. Quite a change from the string bean Jason of Part 2.
Anyway, after stalking and murdering the most disgusting white trash couple in Friday the 13th history (yes, even more so than Ethel & Son in Part 5. At least we didn’t have to watch them take a graphically noisy shit.) who wonder around their home and general store as the evening news reports on the events of the previous film (they mention the victims being killed by an “axe wielding maniac” though Jason never uses that particular tool in Part 2. Just sayin…) and provide a little peek into their generally sad and desperate existence. Then they are both killed. It’s a cathartic moment.
Thank you, movie!
The next day we are introduced to our new cast of machete fodder. There’s Debbie and Andy, our fun loving couple who really enjoy fucking. They enjoy it so much, in fact, Debbie is established as being in the early stages of pregnancy. Now that’s an unusual bit of character development. There’s Shelly, our obligatory practical joker and douche bag extrordinare. And behind the wheel of the Scooby Van transporting our motley Crew is female lead, Chris, who may as well do a take to the camera and introduce herself as the final girl.
They pick up their Hispanic friend Vera who looks pretty Caucasian to me. Anyway, as they pick her up it looks as if the Scooby Van has spontenaously combust as smoke bellows out the open windows. Upon closer inspection it’s just their hippie stoner friends, Chuck and Chili, in the back sucking on their bongs.
"What's a weekend in the country without sex?" Andy asks a profound question in Friday the 13th Part 3.
Our band of misfits are heading to Chris’s Father’s cabin, Higgins’ Haven, out near Crystal Lake. They arrive and Chris is grabbed by the throat and pushed up agaisnt a wall by Rick, her tool of a…boyfriend? Fuck buddy? Perverted brother? Who, when Chris screams and runs away from the giant lug exclaims, “Did it get cold in here or is it just me?” What a charmer. Girls throw themselves at assholes like this nowadays. Just take a look at the Friday the 13th remake!
Later, Shelly and Vera incure the wrath of a trio of bikers (two of which are BLACK and have speaking roles! Another series first.) who manage to track them back to Higgins’ Haven and ratchet up our victim pool to 11. The bikers are all killed under the cover of mid-afternoon in the Higgins’ Haven barn s they attempt to burn it down. By nightfall, we join up with Chris and Rick as she describes a horrifying encounter she had with a giant behemoth in the woods with a head like a melted Milk Dud that took place a couple summers ago. Jason stalked and attacked Chris in the woods, but the strange thing is, no one knows anything about Jason in this flick. In fact, his name isn’t even mentioned. Not once in the entirety of the part 3. This adds to the slightly obtuse feeling of this third entry.
On tonight's episode of, "OUCH! My Balls!"
Soon, all our leads begin dying. Shelly puts the moves on Vera to no availe so he decides to jump out of the lake at her with a spear gun while wearing a hockey mask. Believe it or not, this also fails to make Vera want to have sex with him. Shelly goes off to pout and get slit open thereby giving Jason his now infamous hockey mask. Vera is speared in the eye by Jason in a scene that showcases the INCREDIBLE 3-D effects. Andy gets chopped down through the genital zone as he does a head stand (YOWZA!) and his baby’s Momma gets impaled through the back after an nearly nipless shower scene. Later Chuck gets thrown into a fuse box and Chili gets impaled with a fire place poker. I’m not sure if there’s another Friday the 13th film that’s so remarkably heavy on females being fully impaled on phallic objects. This is another weird strange moment that sets this sucker apart from the litter. For better or for worse.
Eventually Chris and Rick make it back to the cabin to find it in disarray and no one around. Rick goes out to investigate and gets his beefy, uber masculine head popped like a zit by Jason sending his eyeball soaring towards the audience in what might possibly be the the single most knee slappingly funny death in the series. Rick is such a jackass it’s truly a pleasure to watch this happen. In fact, this is probably the first film in the franchise where the majority of the characters are unlikable dickheads. The only characters I even kind of sort of care about are Debbie and Andy and you know they are meat grinder ready the second you lay eyes on them. they like to have sex, are nice people, and they both look good without their shirts. The rest of the characters are all self centered jerks who no one in the audience can be compelled to root for. It’s a tradition the Friday the 13th franchise would carry on from part 3 to the bitter end and rebirth in 09.
Rick's got an eye on you. I'll be here all week.
Chris eventually finds herself all alone against a powerful wind storm that has erupted outside, blowing open doors and windows and causing her to cry and scream like a baby. She cries out for Rick’s help because she can’t close windows by herself. Rick pops up as his corpse is cartapulted through the living room window and Jason makes his grand entrance.
Now it’s on.
Chris and Jason run about the property as she knocks him on the noggin’ with logs, trips over rocks and drops from a rafter temporarily knocking Jason out with her ass. It’s one of the more ludicrous final girl chases in the series and therefore one of the funniest.
Jason shortly after Chris's patented Ass Attack. A move never performed again in the Friday the 13th series.
Eventually Chris gets the upper hand and sinks an axe into Jason’s melon sized cranium which puts him down for this outing. Chris then goes canoeing into Crystal Lake where she is haunted by nightmares of Jason and is then attacked by…Mrs. Voorhees? Who rises from the bottom of Crystal Lake, head reattached, grabs chris by her tits and pulls her overboard. Not since the end of Jason Takes Manhattan have I offered such an enthusiastic WTF? What the hell just happened?
Whether it truly happened or it’s another hallucinatory nightmare is never explained as Chris is lead to the back of a police cruiser and looks to have completely lost her fucking mind. It’s not a great way to end the movie but it is an ending…I guess.
Mrs. Voorhees' attack prompts an O-Face from Chris.
With Friday part 3 the series really figured out what worked. Young people and edged weapons. If we have these two elements fans will return. It’s one of the clunkiest entries in the series and it shows. The whole movie feels as if it were just thrown together haphazardly with little to no forethought.
But this weirdness, this lack of attention to GIANT plot holes and simply tossing out huge chunks of character development that are addressed and then never ever resolved or mentioned again, kind of hysterical in a mind bogglingly moronic sort of way. In a franchise not known for it’s intellectual attributes Friday the 13th part 3 is among the dumbest in the series.
It’s big, it’s dumb and it’s intensely trashy. It’s my least favorite of the pre-Resurrected Jason films but it’s still a damn good bit of fun. The lackluster 2-D, 3-D, gimmicks go a long way to making this entry a laugh riot.
Who among my fellow gore hounds has not contemplated the the scenario of watching some poor schmuck getting tossed into a fully functional woodchipper? We’re all seen these machines in action with their intended quarry but just what could that thrasher do to the defenseless human body and just what in the hell would it look like spraying from the other end?
There have been films that feature this scenario, most famously, The Coen Brother’s Oscar winning quirky crime drama, Fargo. Of course, we are seeing the end result after a character has already been murdered, quartered and fed through the human liquefier. We can’t forget Trash Cinema Classic, The Corpse Grinder, where this scenario was experimented with and there’s even Jackie Chan’s Rumble in the Bronx where some gang banger is devoured by this hungry, godless, machine.
And then there’s Jon McBride’s (Cannibal Campout) 1989 shot on video low budget opus, The Woodchipper Massacre. The first film to wholly exploit our morbid curiosity to see someone shot through one of these contraptions and do so right in the title! Hell, we’ve seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre, why not make the logical step to the woodchipper?
Going into this little film oddity I was expecting it to play much like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre as the title suggests. I went in expecting something much like McBride’s previous work, Cannibal Campout, a bunch of psychotic rednecks roaming the woods looking for terrible actors to eat. Except this time around the rednecks prefer their human meals after they’ve been puréed.
This kid looks like a cannibal to me.
Probably the most shocking aspect of the film is how different it is from what one expects. You go in expecting some kind of survivalist splatter yarn and what we get is a strange dark children’s film about three siblings–Jon, Denise, and Tom–who have to spend a weekend being baby-sat by their over bearing and psychotically anal Aunt Tess. She forces the kids into manual labor, won’t allow older brother Jon to go out on his dates, is a horrible cook, and refuses Tom the simple pleasures of rocking out the air guitar in his bedroom.
Woodchipper Rock Trash
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Aunt Tess’s greatest offense comes when little brother Tom receives his mail-in Rambo Survival Hunting knife in the mail and she makes the mistake of trying to yank it away. Tom and Aunt Tess struggle for control before Tom mistakenly/on purpose stabs the old bitch, killing her instantly. It’s an emotionally heavy moment as all three of the kids must face the reality that their Aunt Tess is now laying sprawled out, dead, in a pool of her own decrepit blood, and at the hand of their little brother to boot!
The children mourn the loss of dearly departed Aunt Tess.
After some soul searching and crappy comedy sketches involving phone calls from Dad and what not, the children come to a wise and educated decision. They chuck that unholy dead woman into the woodchipper out back. Sadly, this woodchipper scene leaves much to be desired. First off, Aunt Tess’s body comes off looking like a bunch of spare ribs with freezer burn, and worst of all, the only thing that shoots out of the chipper chute is what looks like potato chips. You call your movie The Woodchipper Massacre and you better deliver some fucking meat!
I recommend the dry rub on Aunt Tess.
Anyhoo, believe it or not, the kids are not traumatized by their own sadistic and malevolent actions and go about life as normal. There’s not a single moment of remorse over their actions. I guess we didn’t really know Aunt Tess as well as these kids did. And believe it or not, another person gets tossed in the Chipper! Aunt Tess’s son Kim! He was established earlier as being psychotic and shows up on the scene the next day after Aunt Tess’s date with the Chipper Man.
Kim:Psychotic Man of Action
What in the world does Kim want from the kids? Will anyone else gets thrown in the ‘ol wood chipper? And the biggest question of all…will the yard be cleaned up by the time Dad gets home?
The Woodchipper Massacre plays more like Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead than it does Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s an astoundingly chipper, quaint…even cute movie. The last thing I was expecting. I’m not saying this is a bad thing at all. In fact, it kind of works in the film’s favor. It has the feel of an old home made, backyard movie that the family takes out every Thanksgiving and watches and laughs at. In a way, it reminds me of the hilarious weird films my best buds, cousins, and I used to make whenever we had a long weekend or holiday.
It’s cheap, it doesn’t deliver the gore, and the performances are godawful. But it still manages to be a charming and fun viewing experience. It’s Trash Cinema for kids and would work well on a double bill with Jon McBride’s grislier flick, Cannibal Campout.
Over the years horror film marketing campaigns have given us some interesting and cool music videos would play on the 24 hour cycle at MTV in an attempt to lure us, along with our wallets, over to the local googaplex and then over to the record store to purchase the tie-in soundtrack album. Freddy’s done it, Jason tried his hand at it once or twice, and even Ghostface made several tie-in music video ventures.
However, no horror franchise has ever made a musical single/video tie-in to their film like the one located in the special features of the Beyond Re-Animator DVD.
Seeing as the Re-Animator series has always been under the radar, especially now in it’s third entry released back in 2003, it seemed like the last film on earth that you’d produce a music video for. It was released straight to video here in the states, music videos were a dying art form by then, and it was the third entry in a cult franchise.
But somehow…they created a masterpiece.
Move Your Dead Bones by Dr. Reanimator
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Holy Crap! Now, not only do I want to see Beyond Re-Animator, I also want to dance my ass off!
Who exactly is Dr. Reanimator? I have no F-ing clue. I have done MINUTES of research and could find nothing on the guy. All I know for sure is this guy know how to throw a party! Dressed as a Doctor of medicine, looking like a gay Spanish pool boy, and crooning with a creaky, deep, sexy voice, Dr. Reanimator informs us as to what his “Green Color” will do for us once we ingest it. “Green Color” must be Dr. West’s experimental serum.
What exactly will it do? Let Dr. Reanimator explain…
“If you’re feeling dead i’ll be your re-animator
I’ve got a way to bring you to life
A superior existence with no one to control you
Where you can always do what you like
Let me give you some green color
And you will ask for more
You will see that you’ve never felt this way before
Party without limits, have sex and don’t be blue
Freedom is eternal for you, you, you!”
Hell, I’m sold!
Apparently, not only does West’s serum bring you back to life with super human strength and an uncontrollable rage to tear everyone in the room into dozens of mangled, meaty chunks, but it also is a liberator of the spirit and will allow you to have promiscuous sex without the threat of a guilty conscious. Quite the claim for a drug whose test runs have been far from stellar. It’s also not a far leap to take the title of “Move Your Dead Bones” and the song itself as a jingle for a male erectile dysfunction medication.
Move Your Dead Bones...with Viagra!
What I love about this video and the song itself is how off track it feels with the rest of the series. I always imagined some kind of indie new wave sort of sound representing Re-Animator, Something along the lines of Talking Heads (whose poster for Stop Making Sense makes a cameo i the original film) or Mars Volta. Never would I have attached the concept of a Pop Club Dance Song to Re-Animator and Dr. West’s sick experiments. On paper it sound absurd. But in glorious reality, this decision to go Disco worked in the films favor.
Re-Anmator is a strange, quirky, and unusual horror series. There’s none other like it. In a way, it makes perfect sense that the one piece of pop music attached to the series would be just as strange and quirky. Move Your Dead Bones is a classic. Now let’s go wiggle our butts on the dance floor!
