Hey Gang, The Primal Root, here, wishing you and yours a Happy Holiday season! That is, if you can make it through the evil that is Glen Morgan’s Black Christmas remake… Hang tight with your buddy, Root, as he tries the wade through the numerous subplots, the dozen characters and the non stop flashbacks that explain away our main antagonist(s).
Watch as The Root tries to transform this hunk of coal into a diamond in this, our final Rotten Review of Year Three, here at The Trash Cinema Collective!
The Primal Root here. I just woke up and I have no idea where I am. Somebody kidnapped me while I was a t work and now I am stuck in this place. I have some kind of contraption fastened around my neck and tere’s a TV in front of me. I don’t want to jump to conclusions but I have a feeling this is one of those dang Jigsaw traps I’ve heard so much about. I am not sure what I did wrong or what lesson I am going to be forced to learn but it looks like I may have to watch something…something terrible…
Well, if that’s the case I shouldn’t have a problem. Some of my favorite movies are the strangest, sickest, most perverse films ever made! What in the world could Jigsaw possibly show me that would make me consider hurting myself…oh shit…
But is it really Jigsaw behind all this? I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I sense soemthing truly sinister at work here far worse than that megalomaniacal asshole. I guess I’ll have to see this sick game through to the very end and see what twists are in store. Because if I am stuck in a Saw film, there’s one thing I can be sure of…nothing is as it seems.
Stay Trashy,
-The Primal Root
Enjoy the latest Rotten Review buy clicking on the poster below!
Recently on the FromDuskTillCon.com forums I was asked to list my favorite entries in the Friday the 13th franchise from favorite to least favorite. I named off where I felt they all deserved to be placed and went about my business. But as I dug a little deeper into my personal thoughts on this long standing slasher franchise and it’s 12 films. I came to the conclusion some of them hold different places in my trashy, rotted little heart than I had previously realized.
So in honor of Friday the 13th’s 30th Anniversary this month, I figured I’d go ahead and list my least favorite Friday the 13th film to my favorite and do my best to explain the reasons why I feel as I do about them. So let’s get this machete swinging with my least favorite of the series…
a Primal Root review
Remakes are a dime a dozen these days. Seems like every beloved franchise we grew up with, whether they be good, bad or cheesy, is being polished off, repackaged and sold to a whole new generation that doesn’t know any better.
Friday the 13th is no different. Another commodity to be bought and sold just as it has always been. Let’s not fool ourselves, Friday the 13th is little more than a cash cow to the folks who have cranked these entries out for the past three decades. And as far as a recognizable brand name you can;t do much better than Friday the 13th. The name, the setting, the hockey mask are all instantly recognizable to that highly successful title. It was only a matter of time before producer Michael Bay (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) and his company Platinum Dunes got their greasy mitts on one of horror cultures hottest commodities so they could draw some new blood and rake in the green.
And how hard is it to come up with a Friday the 13th film? Simply place some young adults behaving badly at Camp Crystal Lake, add some ineffectual law enforcement, some local color, and then chuck man-tank Jason in the equation to deal out a little slice and dice and you got a Friday the 13th flick, right?
"You talking 'bout my Mama?"
However, the original films benefitted from the low expectations of it’s fan base. The Friday the 13th series basically recycled the same characters and story a dozen times to the point where we were conditioned to not expect anything truely shocking or original. The franchise became the equivilant of a well worn quilt or a favorite t-shirt. It’s comfortable, it works, and I enjoy the hell out of it. Not brilliant, not perfect, but just fine.
With the announcement of a remake there was the expectation and promise that something better might come of it. A chance to create a new continuity, and new story line that would make sense when held up to scrutiny. They could build better characters, story lines, explain Jason more clearly…I mean, I didn’t go in expecting Citizen Kane. I was just expecting something fresher.
All the elements are there, gore, tits, hockey mask, Crystal Lake, machete, kids getting punished for immoral behavior…it all should work. But there was one thing missing. Spirit. There just doesn’t seem to be any enthusiasm behind the lens in the creative minds retooling this thing. Derek Mears delivers a great Jason, Julianna Guill showed off the greatest rack the series had ever witnessed, and the whole production looks very pretty…but these things cannot save a movie with no heart. It’s 97 minutes in a narrative dead space. There’s no thrill. No excitement. No fun to be had. Just a film going through the motions. I wanted to feel excited, I wanted to be thrilled, have fun and maybe even get a little scare or two. There simply is nothing here to hold onto.
Julianna Guill. If those boobs are fake, I don't wanna be real.
It’s a narrow minded and limp dicked rehash of a popular franchise. This series is ripe with possibilities and ways to remind audiences of why the slasher genre was so popular to begin with. Sadly, this Friday firmly closed the door and bolted it tight against any such possibilities. I suppose they figured there was no real need to go above and beyond and deliver anything beyond the bare minimum in a sleek, pretty package. If you are going to introduce a whole new generation to this series why not give them something worthwhile?
Friday the 13th and it’s fans deserve much better than this.
I’ve been recently experiencing terrible nightmares every night for the past couple of weeks. They all involve dream demon Freddy Krueger attacking me in incredibly vulnerable situations. Usually with me picking something up and not having pants on.
Perhaps there are some clues to be found in Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge! The notoriously homo erotic follow up to Wes Craven’s original masterpiece. We will discuss both the underlying sexual meaning and imagery in the film as well as mercilessly riffing on it. Get ready for exploding birds, extreme gym shower towel snapping, phallic anacondas, sweaty ball sack adjustments, seedy gay S&M joints, Bob Shaye in a leather tank top, a fuckable version of Meryl Streep, caramel filled killers, off road mayhem, Clu Gulager, human faced dogs, more gay subtext than you can shake a suggestively shaped stick at and al kinds of Freddy Krueger part fouls.
Check out The Primal Root’s Rotten Reviews presents A Nightmare on Elm Street part 2: Freddy’s Revenge and let me know what you think!
your pal,
-The Primal Root
Simply click on the poster below to view the latest video review!
Bobby just flunked his French Final, but it’s cool, his daddy just hired him a tutor to teach him the ropes about life, language and pure sexual gratification.
In our first episode of our second year we’re taking a look at 1983′s My Tutor, one of the best teen sex comedies / coming of age films ever made. Featuring Caren Kaye, Olivia Newton John’s ex-husband, and a very young Crispin Hellion Glover in a ground breaking, unintentionally creepy performance.
So let’s get our Trash Cinema text books ready and enjoy the extra curricular sleaze that is, My Tutor.
Your pal,
-The Primal Root
Just click on the poster below to watch the latest Rotten Review!
The first time I laid my black devil eyes on the trailer for the uproariously trashy looking apocalypse at the hands of God and his badass army of angels flick, Legion, you couldn’t have wiped my grin away with a belt sander. It comes across as the kind of bizarre scenario that would have played out in my backyard between my G.I. Joe action figures on a random Saturday afternoon when I was still in short pants. God decides he’s lost faith in humanity and it’s time to wipe them out so he sends in his angel ass kicker dream team to stomp the shit out of us till there’s nothing left. It’s really a ridiculous premise but an interesting one none the less. One of those throw away brain fart ideas that come up from time to time when you’re starring at the ceiling at night or taking a whiz. Not profound, but kind of nifty. Lucky us, someone took our mind dropping and turned it into a feature length motion picture!
too subtle?
Legion concerns the epic battle between grease caked country bumpkins and the horrific evil minions of…God…yeah, the once benevolent and subtle spirit of God is now creating plagues of demons from Hell to try and kill off humanities’ one and only hope for survival. A foul mouthed, chain smoking pregnant woman with a distracting mole on her forehead named Charlie (Adrianne Palicki from Supernatural) is carrying the baby that is going to be our savior. A rebel angel named Michael (Paul Bettany) drops into to inform everyone of this fact. Yeah, you remember, Michael. He was played so memorably by John Travolta a decade or so ago…
Michael before the NRA entered his life.
Anyway, Michael has driven out into the desert and into a quaint little greasy spoon diner/gas station owned by a sweaty grizzled guy named Bob (Dennis Quaid) where Charlie happens to be working. He arrives just after an elderly woman has gone completely ape shit, bitten a guys throat out and climbed across the ceiling like a caucasion Lionel Ritchie from Hell. Michael arrives in a stolen cop car and loaded to the teeth with semi automatic fire power to blow the shit out of God’s demon spawn and angel army as they descend down upon the face palmingly appropriately named locale, Paradise Falls. Those in the diner are informed of their pants shittingly bad situation and are told they must choose to fight or die asking questions.
Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
There’s a good assortment of supporting characters caught in the middle of the action, some of whom are a thousand times more interesting than our key players. Ultimate badass Charles S. Dutton plays cook and Vietnam veteran Percy Walker and pretty much steals the show. The character of Percy is infinitely likable so you know his screen time has gotta be limited. Even the typically lame as can be Tyrese Gibson (yeah, the guy from 2 Fast 2 Furious) turns in a subtle and winning performance as a man whose virtues prove to be his undoing.
Evil Granny: Sucking Face and Taking Names
There’s the obligatory three piece yuppie family unit featuring the bitchy Mom, wise cracking Dad (yeah, the guy who gets his ass handed to him by an evil senior citizen) and the attention seeking, ass revealing teenage daughter. Oh yeah, and Bob’s son Jeep, who is supposed to be one of the stars of this film but Lucas Black turns in such a deer-in-the-headlights performance that you never ever really care about him.
What I really enjoyed about Legion is that I never felt like the filmmakers took this whole God’s personal vendetta concept too seriously. They seem intelligent enough that they realized Legion was in the vein of the good old fashioned drive-in trash flick, albeit, one of a much higher budget and sleeker appearance. I’m not saying this is a great flick. But it’s sure as Hell a fun bag full of horror infused gory shoot outs, monstrous ice cream truck drivers (played by none other than Doug Jones) explosions, angel-fu, acid filled exploding body boils, little tiny adolescent demon girls carrying balloons, a half dozen teary eyed duet scenes for young actors, the movie is packed with all kinds of trashy, low brow win. It’s like Maximum Overdrive meets Assault on Precinct 13 meets the 700 Club on acid. Seriously, it’s just as fun as it sounds. Well, despite there being no nudity at all. You will be entertained. I do recommend some spirits of the liquid form in advance of seeing the movie to enhance the affects.
Doug Jones as Ice Cream Guy steals the movie with only 60 seconds of screen time and not a single line of dialog.
It’s always fun to see someone take a dodgy approach to something considered sacred by many. In the case of Legion, it’s cool to see the whole word of God thing given a complete filth covered trash make over. Really, has God ever been portrayed as such a bitch? I mean, other than in real life? I’m so used to seeing him played by Morgan Freeman and Alanis Morissette or offering up wisdom like on The Simpsons. Never have I seen God get his panties in a wad over the assholishness of man that he sent an entire extermination squad of demons and angels. You’d think he would have seen the travesties committed against the natives of this country in his name and would have put a stop to the humanity thing a long time ago.
God’s back with a vengeance in Legion and this time it seems personal. However, thanks to the second amendment and the work of the NRA, humanity stands a fighting chance. Well, at least at a white trash diner in the United States. Remember, if you are about to get touched by an angel…AIM FOR THE HEAD!
Stay Trashy,
-The Primal Root
Adrianne Palicki plays Charlie in the new film Legion.
Well, the long awaited second episode of Trash Cinema Collective presents The Primal root’s rotten Reviews is up and ready for viewing! This time around we’re tackling one of the strangest teensploitation, woman spurned, prostitution, hired killer, limp dick disco movies it has ever been my pleasure to watch.
Not a lot of blood in this one but there is a bit of nudity and some language. The latest video is not for the squeamish, as usual, but if you’ve come this far chances are you can handle this video. Use your good judgment.
I’m hoping to pump these videos out on a more regular basis so stay tuned! I have my next subject already lined up.
