The Primal Root is back and this Halloween evening he is met by a strange, silent fellow who presents him with a mysterious Halloween PArty invite…one that leads him back to the Video 21 porn closet and into a world unlike any he has ever visited before!
While there, Root takes a look at the 2006 straight to video slasher picture ‘Halloween Night’ which is about a man who suffers a deeply disturbing trauma as a child and grows up to be a psychotic killer who escapes from the mental ward and heads home to kill off a bunch of college age frat boy assholes who are throwing the worst Halloween Party you could ever imagine and featuring the worst planned prank ever conceived. But it’s okay, because 95% of the female cast gets topless. So that’s a plus.
So join The Primal Root in his latest Rotten Review Adventure into a dark kinky underworld orgy and checks out another terrible Trash Cinema classic!
Growing up in a household that could afford premium cable, as a youngster, there was no greater pleasure than staying up late, hunkering down on the sofa in the darkened living room, and catching the sick, twisted morality tale that was HBO’s ‘Tales from the Crypt.’ Being a child whose love for the macabre and horrific was rotted deep within me and growing more apparent on a daily basis, this was MY must see TV. In my younger years, Nickelodeon’s ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark?’ along with old, dusty, issues of E.C. comicss ‘The Vault of Horror’ and ‘Tales from the Crypt’ had wet my pallet. The promise of a fun, vivid, gory, lesson in how being an asshole will surely end in a fate often worse than death wrapped up in one nifty thirty minute package made ‘Tales from the Crypt’ an irresistible temptation. Add the ever present possibility of bare female breasts, and my adolescent self couldn’t refuse.
Hell, my adult self still can’t refuse.
Then, in 1995, I was traipsing through Tallahassee Florida’s long dead Oak Lake Six movie theater on my way to see ‘The Brady Bunch Movie’ when I spotted poster that dropped my jaw to the floor and filled my heart with sticky, black, diabolical joy. Oh yes, ‘Tales from the Crypt’ was releasing a movie called “Demon Knight.’ Needless to say, this was the greatest news my 13 year old self had ever heard. The poster featured a shot of the Crypt Keeper smiling ghoulishly and peering over blue lensed, John Lennon style sun glasses, holding open his epic, and seemingly endless, book tales as slimy, razor toothed demons spewed forth all being led by an slightly aggravated looking bald fellow in a trench coat with his arm outstretched pointing right at my scrawny, freshly teenaged face. I knew, in my misguided, freshly teenaged heart, this was going to be the greatest movie ever made.
Sadly, I wouldn’t be able to talk my Mom into letting me see it until it was released on VHS. I rented Tales from the Crypt presents Demon Knight, slipped the tape into my VCR, and braced myself for the glory. Dear reader, Demon Knight catered to everything my adolescent heart could possibly desire. Here’s how it goes down…
The action takes place in a dilapidated boarding house that was previously a church where the home’s misfit group of residents (prostitute, laid off postal worker, drunken bum Dick Miller, etc.) find themselves in the middle of an ancient battle between good and evil. See, there’s a drifter named Stryker played by infinitely likeable character actor, William Sadler, playing it straight, earnest, and desperate. Stryker, The Demon Knight, finds his way to this boarding house, thanks to a largely unexplained supernatural star circle compass tattoo in the palm of his hand, seeking shelter. Styker is being stalked down by a slick, seductive, hilarious form of evil incarnate known only as The Collector. The Collector is played by Billy Zane, who is obviously having a field day with such a fun part. In retrospect this might be the high water mark of his career. Which is rather sad.
Anyhoo, The Collector is trying to get his hands on ‘The Key’ which Stryker is protecting. This key holds the blood of Christ as well as the blood of previous Demon Knights. The fate of all humanity hangs in the balance on this night, in this boarding home, because this key is the last of seven The Collector needs in order to unleash Hell on earth. It soon becomes a show down in the old Night of the Living Dead, Assault on Precinct 13 style, as The Collector brings forth an army of vicious, mucousy, pierced up demons that look like char grilled Muppets looking to rip the into meaty chunks anyone who stands between them and The Key. The Collector, on the other hand, finds his own way in through the use of seduction and the promise of granting his victim’s fantasies which leads to some of ‘Demon Knights” more interesting sequences. Needless to say, many will die, few will live, some will get fire pissed on them by Billy Zane, and one character will fulfill their destiny. Oh yeah, it’s one of those type of parties.
That’s the basic run down of what’s going on in this movie. The mythology surrounding The Key, the Demon Knights and their Highlander-esque back story is something I could honestly devote a whole article to. Plus there’s the obligatory Crypt Keeper bookends to the film that don’t really add much, but it’s cool that the our old pal, The Crypt Keeper, is holding down the fort and spewing the same old eye rolling puns and one liners.
‘Demon Knight delivered, and for about six months, it was among my absolute favorites and solidified my deep, abiding, love for Trash Cinema. It had graphic violence delivered both horrifically and humorously. Gratuitous and plentiful bare female breasts. A ridiculously fun villain in the form of The Collector, and likeable and enigmatic hero in Stryker, plus a great cast of veteran character actors like Dick Miller, CCH Pounder, and Charles Fleischer as well as a few folks yet to hit their peak like Jada Pinkett , Thomas Haden Church and um, Traci Bingham? Plus, a bizarre cameo by John Laroquette who still seems like a strange choice to me…The morality play aspect of the television series falls by the wayside a bit, but the sick, twisted black comedy is intact and even a bit amplified.
Tales from the Crypt presents Demon Knight isn’t a great film, not by a long shot, but it sure is a Hell of a lot of fun. And at the end of the day isn’t that precisely what you want from this kind of flick? It’s dumb, rude, dirty, sick, over the top and exploitative. It’s a guilty pleasure of the highest order. It’s a dark minded, neon eyed, spook house, horror show of a movie that is only interested in kicking ass, tossing the gruel at it’s audience and letting the chips fall where they may. It’s the kind of horror film where you walk out with a smile knowing that you’ve had a blast.
My 13-14 year old self was an instant fan. The poster adorned my wall throughout my middle school years and I sang the praises of ‘Demon Knight’ to all my horrified friends. I watched it nearly every weekend for a span of about six months before moving on to other bizarre, awesome, trashy films. However, the young, teenager inside me still holds this film very close to his strange, trash loving little heart.
Stay Trashy!
Before we get started, I would like to say that this episode would not have been possible without the selfless help and hard work of John Kogwheal, Rachel McDirtChild, Dan Ast, Sam Armstrong, Bootsie Kidd, and Tallahassee’s own Video 21. Thank you for you help, patience and enthusiasm for the project. It means the world to me and I am honored to have you on board as part of The Trash Cinema Collective. – Kevin Cole, The Primal Root
Hey Gang!
Three long months in the making, I, The Primal Root and the rest of The Trash Cinema Collective are VERY proud to finally unveil our Year Four premiere episode of The Primal Root’s Rotten Reviews! In this installment The Primal Root will be guiding you through the 1986 Stuart Gordon adaptation of the H.P. Lovecraft story, From Beyond! Starring Jeffery Combs, Barbara Crampton and Ken Foree, this is one slimy, bloody, multidimensional sex romp you don’t want to miss!
Join Root as he spends the evening watching one of his favorite Trash Classics and deals with the typical late night crowd at the last, surviving, movie rental store in Tallahassee Florida, Video 21. This night will take him farther than he ever might have expected.Get ready for plenty of slime, mutilation, creatures, pink lighting, molestation, electric mixers, fetish gear, leather wrist restraints, floating killer eels, giant malicious cock monsters, eyeball sucking, eyeball spitting, brain feasting, flesh eating confetti, and several nearly naked men in tiny red underoos!
Strange, wonderful, and grotesque drippy things await as The Primal Root takes a one great step into From Beyond!And keep your eyes peeled, because this episode feature about a half dozen cameos by folks you might just know from the Tallahassee area. Enjoy our latest episode with someone you love and help spread the word!
Hey Gang, The Primal Root, here, wishing you and yours a Happy Holiday season! That is, if you can make it through the evil that is Glen Morgan’s Black Christmas remake… Hang tight with your buddy, Root, as he tries the wade through the numerous subplots, the dozen characters and the non stop flashbacks that explain away our main antagonist(s).
Watch as The Root tries to transform this hunk of coal into a diamond in this, our final Rotten Review of Year Three, here at The Trash Cinema Collective!
The Primal Root, here, and delivering a very special Christmas package to my fellow collectors! That’s right, I’ve gotten your e-mail’s and facebook messages and I am reviewing one of your most highly requested movies, Christmas Evil! You’ve all been Trashy little boys and girls all year so you’ve earned this one!
Get ready for Santa Cunnilingus, Oedipal Complexes, Shitty Toys, Holiday Trickery, Church Step Brutality, Caroling, Smothering, Throat Slashing, Doll Snapping, Child Slapping, Child Peeping, Kid Slapping, Guilt Tripping, Silk Santa Jammies, Plenty of Slang for Oral Sex, and even a couple Dance Sequences!
This is Christmas Evil. One of the trashiest, strangest, most off kilter and scatter minded horror films I have ever witnessed. Enjoy with the ones you love!
The Primal Root here. I just woke up and I have no idea where I am. Somebody kidnapped me while I was a t work and now I am stuck in this place. I have some kind of contraption fastened around my neck and there’s a TV in front of me. I don’t want to jump to conclusions but I have a feeling this is one of those dang Jigsaw traps I’ve heard so much about. I am not sure what I did wrong or what lesson I am going to be forced to learn but it looks like I may have to watch something…something terrible…
Well, if that’s the case I shouldn’t have a problem. Some of my favorite movies are the strangest, sickest, most perverse films ever made! What in the world could Jigsaw possibly show me that would make me consider hurting myself…oh shit…
But is it really Jigsaw behind all this? I guess I’ll have to wait and see. I sense something truly sinister at work here far worse than that megalomaniacal asshole. I guess I’ll have to see this sick game through to the very end and see what twists are in store. Because if I am stuck in a Saw film, there’s one thing I can be sure of…nothing is as it seems.
Recently on the FromDuskTillCon.com forums I was asked to list my favorite entries in the Friday the 13th franchise from favorite to least favorite. I named off where I felt they all deserved to be placed and went about my business. But as I dug a little deeper into my personal thoughts on this long standing slasher franchise and it’s 12 films. I came to the conclusion some of them hold different places in my trashy, rotted little heart than I had previously realized.
So in honor of Friday the 13th’s 30th Anniversary this month, I figured I’d go ahead and list my least favorite Friday the 13th film to my favorite and do my best to explain the reasons why I feel as I do about them. So let’s get this machete swinging with my least favorite of the series…
a Primal Root review
Remakes are a dime a dozen these days. Seems like every beloved franchise we grew up with, whether they be good, bad or cheesy, is being polished off, repackaged and sold to a whole new generation that doesn’t know any better.
Friday the 13th is no different. Another commodity to be bought and sold just as it has always been. Let’s not fool ourselves, Friday the 13th is little more than a cash cow to the folks who have cranked these entries out for the past three decades. And as far as a recognizable brand name you can;t do much better than Friday the 13th. The name, the setting, the hockey mask are all instantly recognizable to that highly successful title. It was only a matter of time before producer Michael Bay (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) and his company Platinum Dunes got their greasy mitts on one of horror cultures hottest commodities so they could draw some new blood and rake in the green.
And how hard is it to come up with a Friday the 13th film? Simply place some young adults behaving badly at Camp Crystal Lake, add some ineffectual law enforcement, some local color, and then chuck man-tank Jason in the equation to deal out a little slice and dice and you got a Friday the 13th flick, right?
"You talking 'bout my Mama?"
However, the original films benefitted from the low expectations of it’s fan base. The Friday the 13th series basically recycled the same characters and story a dozen times to the point where we were conditioned to not expect anything truely shocking or original. The franchise became the equivilant of a well worn quilt or a favorite t-shirt. It’s comfortable, it works, and I enjoy the hell out of it. Not brilliant, not perfect, but just fine.
With the announcement of a remake there was the expectation and promise that something better might come of it. A chance to create a new continuity, and new story line that would make sense when held up to scrutiny. They could build better characters, story lines, explain Jason more clearly…I mean, I didn’t go in expecting Citizen Kane. I was just expecting something fresher.
All the elements are there, gore, tits, hockey mask, Crystal Lake, machete, kids getting punished for immoral behavior…it all should work. But there was one thing missing. Spirit. There just doesn’t seem to be any enthusiasm behind the lens in the creative minds retooling this thing. Derek Mears delivers a great Jason, Julianna Guill showed off the greatest rack the series had ever witnessed, and the whole production looks very pretty…but these things cannot save a movie with no heart. It’s 97 minutes in a narrative dead space. There’s no thrill. No excitement. No fun to be had. Just a film going through the motions. I wanted to feel excited, I wanted to be thrilled, have fun and maybe even get a little scare or two. There simply is nothing here to hold onto.
Julianna Guill. If those boobs are fake, I don't wanna be real.
It’s a narrow minded and limp dicked rehash of a popular franchise. This series is ripe with possibilities and ways to remind audiences of why the slasher genre was so popular to begin with. Sadly, this Friday firmly closed the door and bolted it tight against any such possibilities. I suppose they figured there was no real need to go above and beyond and deliver anything beyond the bare minimum in a sleek, pretty package. If you are going to introduce a whole new generation to this series why not give them something worthwhile?
Friday the 13th and it’s fans deserve much better than this.
Well, it’s the middle of summer and I wasn’t planning on even doing a Rotten Review this month on account of how beautiful it is outside and I wanted to put in some quality beach time. However, after my trip to the Gulf of Mexico got a little too sticky for my taste I decided maybe we should stay at home and enjoy the 1978 classic, Malibu Beach.
This flick is an easy to swallow summer time treat with not plot to get in the way of the story. Tons of lovely ladies in bikinis, boys up to no good, and perverted clothes snatching dogs. It all take place on Malibu Beach! A place where EVERYTHING can happen.
Your old pal The Primal Root here, bringing you the bizarre best of the strange, forgotten and dismissed here on the Rotten Reviews. And boy, this month do I have one Hell of a movie to show you.
We’re taking a look at 1986′s multiple killer slasher oddity, Neon Maniacs, a film so epic and expansive they couldn’t even be bothered to explain anything. It features 12 creatures dressed like Village People rejects who trot around down town San Francisco after dark to kill people…cause apparently that’s all they do.
Neon Maniacs features a great cast of obscure slasher film actors and actresses that only those truly devoted to Trash Cinema (aka: geeks-like myself) would get excited over. Two of which are from the Friday the 13th series! SCORE!
And make sure to stick around for the old Neon Maniacs Safety Training video left over from the 50′s I managed to track down. It sheds some light on how to deal with these blood sucking freaks. Hey, you can never be too careful.
So enjoy this latest Rotten Review with someone you love. Make sure to keep a beverage handy as well.
Stay Trashy!
- Root
When in Tallahassee Florida make sure to visit Bird’s Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack! Salty Love on the Half Shell, the friendliest staff in town, and always a guaranteed good time.
Just when I thought I was out, Freddy pulled me right back in to sit through and review the goofiest and least frightening film in his entire repertoire. It also happens to be the poor guys original swan song. That’s right, we’re taking a look at 1991′s laugh a minute Freddy send off, Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare.
Get ready for easily solved mysteries! Billy Zane’s sister! No male ass (Check my Nightmare 2 review if you don’t get it)! Post toastie crushing! Quippy one liners that undercut the horror in every scene! Breckin Meyer! Murdering handicapped minorities! A 976-EVIL reference! Adorable Dream Demons! Freddy once again manipulating reality and playing outside the Nightmare on Elm Street rule book! Evil parents! Lame B-List celebrity cameos! Iron Butterfly! Breckin Meyer: The Video Game! Gerbil crushing! Alice Cooper the foster father! Fucking Rainbows! That’s My Freddy! and SO MUCH MORE!
Check out this, the second half of our trip down Elm Street’s side street, Memory Lane.
