The first time I laid my black devil eyes on the trailer for the uproariously trashy looking apocalypse at the hands of God and his badass army of angels flick, Legion, you couldn’t have wiped my grin away with a belt sander. It comes across as the kind of bizarre scenario that would have played out in my backyard between my G.I. Joe action figures on a random Saturday afternoon when I was still in short pants. God decides he’s lost faith in humanity and it’s time to wipe them out so he sends in his angel ass kicker dream team to stomp the shit out of us till there’s nothing left. It’s really a ridiculous premise but an interesting one none the less. One of those throw away brain fart ideas that come up from time to time when you’re starring at the ceiling at night or taking a whiz. Not profound, but kind of nifty. Lucky us, someone took our mind dropping and turned it into a feature length motion picture!
too subtle?
Legion concerns the epic battle between grease caked country bumpkins and the horrific evil minions of…God…yeah, the once benevolent and subtle spirit of God is now creating plagues of demons from Hell to try and kill off humanities’ one and only hope for survival. A foul mouthed, chain smoking pregnant woman with a distracting mole on her forehead named Charlie (Adrianne Palicki from Supernatural) is carrying the baby that is going to be our savior. A rebel angel named Michael (Paul Bettany) drops into to inform everyone of this fact. Yeah, you remember, Michael. He was played so memorably by John Travolta a decade or so ago…
Michael before the NRA entered his life.
Anyway, Michael has driven out into the desert and into a quaint little greasy spoon diner/gas station owned by a sweaty grizzled guy named Bob (Dennis Quaid) where Charlie happens to be working. He arrives just after an elderly woman has gone completely ape shit, bitten a guys throat out and climbed across the ceiling like a caucasion Lionel Ritchie from Hell. Michael arrives in a stolen cop car and loaded to the teeth with semi automatic fire power to blow the shit out of God’s demon spawn and angel army as they descend down upon the face palmingly appropriately named locale, Paradise Falls. Those in the diner are informed of their pants shittingly bad situation and are told they must choose to fight or die asking questions.
Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.
There’s a good assortment of supporting characters caught in the middle of the action, some of whom are a thousand times more interesting than our key players. Ultimate badass Charles S. Dutton plays cook and Vietnam veteran Percy Walker and pretty much steals the show. The character of Percy is infinitely likable so you know his screen time has gotta be limited. Even the typically lame as can be Tyrese Gibson (yeah, the guy from 2 Fast 2 Furious) turns in a subtle and winning performance as a man whose virtues prove to be his undoing.
Evil Granny: Sucking Face and Taking Names
There’s the obligatory three piece yuppie family unit featuring the bitchy Mom, wise cracking Dad (yeah, the guy who gets his ass handed to him by an evil senior citizen) and the attention seeking, ass revealing teenage daughter. Oh yeah, and Bob’s son Jeep, who is supposed to be one of the stars of this film but Lucas Black turns in such a deer-in-the-headlights performance that you never ever really care about him.
What I really enjoyed about Legion is that I never felt like the filmmakers took this whole God’s personal vendetta concept too seriously. They seem intelligent enough that they realized Legion was in the vein of the good old fashioned drive-in trash flick, albeit, one of a much higher budget and sleeker appearance. I’m not saying this is a great flick. But it’s sure as Hell a fun bag full of horror infused gory shoot outs, monstrous ice cream truck drivers (played by none other than Doug Jones) explosions, angel-fu, acid filled exploding body boils, little tiny adolescent demon girls carrying balloons, a half dozen teary eyed duet scenes for young actors, the movie is packed with all kinds of trashy, low brow win. It’s like Maximum Overdrive meets Assault on Precinct 13 meets the 700 Club on acid. Seriously, it’s just as fun as it sounds. Well, despite there being no nudity at all. You will be entertained. I do recommend some spirits of the liquid form in advance of seeing the movie to enhance the affects.
Doug Jones as Ice Cream Guy steals the movie with only 60 seconds of screen time and not a single line of dialog.
It’s always fun to see someone take a dodgy approach to something considered sacred by many. In the case of Legion, it’s cool to see the whole word of God thing given a complete filth covered trash make over. Really, has God ever been portrayed as such a bitch? I mean, other than in real life? I’m so used to seeing him played by Morgan Freeman and Alanis Morissette or offering up wisdom like on The Simpsons. Never have I seen God get his panties in a wad over the assholishness of man that he sent an entire extermination squad of demons and angels. You’d think he would have seen the travesties committed against the natives of this country in his name and would have put a stop to the humanity thing a long time ago.
God’s back with a vengeance in Legion and this time it seems personal. However, thanks to the second amendment and the work of the NRA, humanity stands a fighting chance. Well, at least at a white trash diner in the United States. Remember, if you are about to get touched by an angel…AIM FOR THE HEAD!
Stay Trashy,
-The Primal Root
Adrianne Palicki plays Charlie in the new film Legion.
Here it is. Our first major horror release of the decade. (Well, besides the Renee Zellweger flick Case 39. But where the hell is that playing?) A vampire horror/science fiction amalgam starring pedestrian actor Ethan Hawke, and the glorious awesomeness of Willem Dafoe and Sam Neill and helmed by the two brothers whobrought us the 2003 zombie action flick, Undead, Michael & Peter Spierg. The film was completed in 2007 and, for whatever reasons, is only now being released early in 2010.
The film I am talking about is, of course, Daybreakers, a strange little film (93 min.) that’s being released as this new vampire craze is at it’s peak. As opposed to the current run of romantic love story driven vampire vehicles Daybreakers takes a different approach to the material with a uniquely topical premise.
Always cool to see Sam return to the genre.
In the year 2019 vampires have populated planet earth. Over the ten years between now and then humans were given the chance to convert. Those who did not were hunted down and used as a blood source for the vampire population to snack on. In fact, humans are nearly extinct and Charles Bromley (Neill) runs the business that happens to be the leading supplier of blood and the supplies are running woefully short. As the vampires are deprived of blood they begin a horrifying mutation into completely psychotic rubbers bat monsters. Edward Dalton (Hawke) is on the payroll as a scientist trying to find a solution to the problem in the form of a human blood substitute. Dalton is a human sympathizer and ends up on the side of a group of human revolutionaries lead by Elvis (Dafoe) who claims to have the key to reversing the effects of vampirism and getting the old ticker thumping once again.
Staying true to the very basic vampire tradition of the rich feeding on the blood of the poor and underclassed Daybreakers had an interesting premise resting in its hands. It is used as an allegory for man’s usage and abuse of natural resources. As the supplies run short and lower class begins to fall away a new lower class must take its place. It just so happens to be a lower class populated by ravenous, maniacal, blood lusting rubbery bat people.
Spare some blood for a starving vampire?
I went in expecting a bit more social commentary wrapped within the pretty, dark and steely frame work and for the first ten or fifteen minutes they served up some pretty cool food for thought. But slowly and surely the brains of the piece take a seat and let the throbbing action boner take over as car chases, shoot outs and vampires explode into hundreds of meaty, juicy bits all over the set. Who knew that staking a blood sucker through the heart activated a self-destruct mechanism? Kosher!
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my action crazy, wet, and sloppy but Daybreakers seems to have a bit of an identity crisis. As if it’s not so sure of the picture it wants to be. “Do we want our audience to think or would we rather shower then with vampire viscera?” Sadly, what could have been a brilliant vampire film about the growing struggle between the haves and the have nots is more of a vampire movie that looks to take place in the glossy, highly stylized world of The Matrix.
Daybreakers is competent but bland and routine genre piece that had a lot to offer, but in the end, didn’t want to dig too deeply beneath its own surface. And what we ended up with is a sleek, polished little bit of filler.
Hey, at least there were no high school love triangles or glamorizations of teen suicide.
“It is truly, The Muppet Chain Saw Massacre.” – Harlan Ellison, Harlan Ellison’s Watching, Underwood-Miller, 1989 Page 198
It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Carol, the list of classic, heart warming family friendly Christmas movies is an extensive one. Growing up as a child of the 80’s we were shown such images of Christmas miracles, happy families, the gigantic honey glazed ham dinner served to a smiling family sitting warm around the dinner table. Everyone within the film and the audiences watching safe in the knowledge that no matter how bad things get it will turn out all right in the end. But eventually the movie stops and we have to face the grim reality of the holiday season.
Only one film in my childhood recollection completely broke the image I had ingrained into my head of the perfect family Christmas. What happened to this image? Where did the American Dream go so completely awry? This is the question at the core of Joe Dante’s subversive, goopy, violent, nasty little horror film entitled Gremlins.
The film itself is a satire of mid-80’s consumer America. A time when the yuppies reigned supreme, those of us in the dwindling middle class were screwed as work became harder to find and a dark form of mischief finds its way into the homes of both the wealthy and underprivileged alike in the form of the scaly, razor fanged, red eyed Gremlins. A dark reminder of that our actions and carelessness can have the most dire of consequences.
Gremlins looks to almost take place in an updated version of a picturesque, old fashioned, Norman Rockwell town. An American town where values such as self reliance, independence, and personal responsibility have been completely twisted in our pursuit of easy money. It’s a world where the junior vice-president of the town bank dreams of becoming a millionaire by the time he’s 35 and only finds value in his new apartment (it even has Cable TV!). It’s a place where the nasty, self indulgent rich, preach responsibility but cannot be asked to help save a family about to be evicted on Christmas.
Here, everything is a commodity to be bought or sold. Every resource can be tapped for possible exploitation. Even the Mogwai of which Mr. Peltzer makes the observation, “I bet every kid in America would want to have one of these. This could really be the big one!” looks at little Gizmo in terms of economic value rather than a living being.
Lil' Gizmo. Cute? You bet. Just make sure to follow the rules.
Obviously this is the era of the “Get Rich Quick” scheme. Mr. Peltzer has given up gainful employment to be a full time inventor trying to dream up the next “big thing” that will provide for he and his family the rest of their days. It’s Western civilizations dream of making money without ever truly having to work for it. Only the wise Asian Grandfather, representing non-American values, seems to sadly understand the monetary obsessed culture he is living in.
“Sold?” he asks, after Mr. Peltzer makes an inquiry into how he originally obtained Gizmo. “That’s an interesting choice of words.” His meaning is apparent. That life is not something you can buy or sell and Gizmo, of course, is a living creature.
Gremlins is an incredibly thoughtful horror film in the guise of family entertainment. It even manages to poke fun and ridicule everything we hold dear in Western Civilization. Gizmo is forced to wave an American flag, and the Grandfather is horrified to learn Gizmo has been taught to watch television. After all, isn’t that what passes for culture these days?
Possibly my favorite moment in the movie, the one that altered my take on Christmas forever, is the scene in which there’s a lull in the action and Pheobe Cates character recalls the disturbing and tragic story of her father’s disappearance and demise many Christmas ago. He was found several days after Christmas lodged in the chimney, dead, having broken his neck. Dressed as Santa. In a deeply dark and satirical film this scene alone is hands down the darkest. No Gremlins, no mauling, no chain saw attacks…more to the point, I believe this scene mocks sentimentality itself. A trait Steven Spielberg is all too familiar with. However, to Spielberg’s credit, despite everyone else demanding this scene be excised from the film, he allowed Joe Dante to make the final decision. Thankfully, Joe Dante was able to keep this remarkably powerful and disturbing sequence.
Gremlins also works on the level of a message movie about the use of our natural resources. The Mogwai, Gizmo, is friendly, cute and unspoiled, but when we don’t follow the rules (getting them wet, exposing them to bright lights and most especially feeding them after midnight) you are left with something far more perverted, sinister and harmful. Grandfather tells Billy and the viewing audience that American people would do with Mogwai what “Society has done with all natural gifts.” What he’s talking about is an American ideal. We’d sell them, buy them and make a killing.
Stripe. The Gremlin you don't want to fuck with.
But above all this Gremlins is a hellishly good time! It’s dangerous, gruesome and overt he top. Another favorite scene is when Billy’s Mother must do battle with the recently hatched batch of Gremlins run amuck in her house using all the tools she has around the house including blenders, knives and microwave ovens spewing Gremlin guts all over the good china. This stuff is sick. I remember watching the film as a child and my mind simply reeling at this. People were being ripped, beaten, strangled, bitten and even killed by these malicious little Gremlins. But slowly a smile came across my face as I realized what a joke it all was. These idealized American Christmas traditions. The fact that the final battle between Stripe, Billy and Gizmo takes place inside a shopping center filled to the brim with hollow consumer goodies can’t be a coincidence.
Joe Dante’s Gremlins proudly takes those Christmas traditions so many hold dear and shove them right where the sun don’t shine. Gremlins, you ruined Christmas for a generation of 80’s kids. And I cannot thank you enough.
For your Yule Tide enjoyment we are taking a look at one of the most controversial and universally reviled films in all slasherdome. That’s right, we’re talking about the 1984 axe wielding killer in a Santa suit flick, Silent Night, Deadly Night.
So bundle up and prepare yourself for crazy grandpas, adorable little kids, early childhood trauma, nun S&M, bad Santas, the birds and the bees, snowman murder, slay rides, Jabba the Hutt playsets, Linnea Quigley’s tits (again), billiard banging, crotch gazing and so much other naughtiness!
This is one Rotten Review you’ll want to view with a warm mug of cocoa, someone to be naughty with and your therapist on speed dial!
Have a Happy Holiday and a Trashy New Year!
your pal,
-The Primal Root
Just click on the poster below to watch the latest Rotten Review!
I can distinctly remember not being able to move. The volume was way too loud and I was scared out of my mind. Too entranced to close my eyes and my hands pressed firmly over my 7 year old ears. I had just witnessed each and every member of the Nostormo’s crew being ripped to shreds by a hulking, skeletal monstrosity. And now Ripley was all alone. The only crew member left trying to make her way to the evacuation ship before it self-destructs. Little did I know, this would be my inception into the strange, dark and often funny world of Dan O’ Bannon. A man whose career was as varied as his movies. From deep dark horror, to stoner space comedies, to hilarious punk rock nihilistic zombie flicks. Dan did it all and challenged the rules of cinema as he created many unique and, before then, unimagined worlds that took us places we’d never dreamed as cinema goers.
Of course, the man will go down in history as the writer behind one of the most thoughtful and thrilling sci-fi rape/revenge horror movies ever made, Alien (79). His screenplay was used as the blue print in creating one of Ridley Scott’s all time masterpieces and a landmark in the world of horror cinema that still manages to hold up 30 years later.
But to us at the Trash Cinema Collective we know better than anyone the depths of his cinematic contributions and achievements. He gave us such cult classics as the moody, beach side zombie tale Dead & Buried, the High Action Schwarzenegger slimey space epic Total Recall, Tobe Hoper’s underrated remake of Invaders from Mars as well as Hooper’s naked vampire lady from space film Lifeforce. He worked alongside John Carpenter to create the oddball send up to Kubrick’s 2001 in the form of the cult comedy Dark Star. And don’t forget his segment “Soft Landing” from the original animated adaptation of one of the coolest illustrated magazines ever, Heavy Metal!
Above all others I have a feeling most Trash Collectors will always remember him for what proved to be his trashiest endeavor which he served as both writer and first time director, Return of the Living Dead. The long standing 1985 cult horror/comedy pre-dated Shaun of the Dead’s ZomCom by almost twenty years and truly pioneered the running zombies which the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead claims to have invented. The dark nihilism and pervasive humor in O’Bannon’s Return of the Living Dead are mercilessly funny and in full force. You’ll laugh your ass off watching it today just as you will fifty years from now. Just as all Dan’s work has proven over the passing years. They are timeless. They are classic. And they are all so much fun to watch.
I recommend we all spend a little time this weekend revisiting our favorites of Mister O’Bannon’s work in remembrance of one the truly great geek creators of our time. One of the indisputable key creative talents behind our generation’s sci-fi and horror mythos. I truly feel a great sense of loss in his passing. However, I know his legacy will endure and will continue to be passed on from one generation to the next for a long, long time to come.
Maybe there is a fourth kind of Trash Cinema. One that is born of imagination and is so far outside the norm it leaves both audiences and critics completley dumbfounded. A type of Trash that’s so imaginative and introverted no one knows quite what to make of it. Films born of trash and bound for glorious cult status. David Lycnh’s Eraserhead certainly meets this criteria.
As an avidly devoted fan of all things David Lynch one question I always run into is “Why?” followed almost instantly by the blanket phrase “I don’t get his stuff.” To which I look them dead in the eye and say “What is there to get?” Why must you always be blatantly given something by a film? The one thing I feel all fans of Lynch’s work have in common is a deep abiding love for mysteries and the simple and obvious concept that, hey, maybe there are no easy answers? No quick solutions? No pretty package wrapped up and ready to be presented to you upon completion. It’s one of the more frightening conceits that maybe…just maybe…we’ll never know the answers.
Recently I was asked about one of David Lynch’s most heralded works and possibly one of his hardest for viewers to grasp. Eraserhead. Coincidentally, this happens to be my favorite of Lynch’s work and one of my favorite films ever made. Why is there so much love for this film? Why are certain people in our society completely bat-shit crazy about this strange little fever dream of a picture? Well, fellow Trash Collectors, I’m going to try my damnedest to express my personal admiration and deep abiding nerd love for this most legendary of midnight movie cultism.
And no it’s not about just “I get it and you don’t.” That’s all bullshit if you ask me. It runs far deeper than this simple declarative statement.
David Lynch’s debut feature film, 1976’s Eraserhead, is like a living nightmare. It is surreal but there are undeniable human truths and emotions there. Dread, pain, abandonment, longing. But that there is also hope and there is love to be found. As the song says, “In Heaven everything is fine.”
But like all dreams, nightmares, and art, their meaning must be interpreted by those experiencing it. The intent of the artist no longer matters. Eraserhead to me is one of the most honest and disturbing depictions of masculinity and the fear of fatherhood ever put to film. About the insecurities we must mask, the emotions we must bottle up, the dreams we must abandon, and the people whom we are that must be repress in order to get by in society. And the desperate hope that maybe, just maybe, there is light at the end of a very dark tunnel. It encompasses all my fears as an adult male. That I am not good enough. That I will fail at business, life, love and be left behind. It’s the darkest fears lying dormant but always weighing heavy on a subconscious level.
But see, my reason for loving and appreciating Eraserhead, and my interpretation don’t mean anything! Lynch created a totally subjective piece of art! My reason for loving it is a million miles away from why this guy or that girl love it. And some people just can’t stand it and that’s absolutely fine as well and completely understandable. But for a group of us Eraserhead struck a chord and there is something distinctly human there. Something warm and indescribable. Hidden in our deepest, darkest, places . Rather than give us answers Eraserhead boldly suggests that we find or make our own. That in life there are no easy answers to these mysteries so much greater than ourselves. That it’s up to us to find our own.
Stay Trashy,
-The Primal Root
In Heaven Everything is Fine. You Got Your Good Thing and I've Got Mine.
You know, there’s no clear definition for what Trash Cinema is exactly. It’s always in the eye of the beholder. To me, Trash Cinema can be one of three things. 1) A movie that is so astonishingly bad it ascends to a level of extreme enjoyment on the viewers behalf. (ex. Troll 2, Samurai Cop, Malibu High, etc.) 2) A high budget, high concept film whose final product ends up being a complete piece of shit that’s laughably bad and fun to watch (ex. Queen of the Damned, Highlander 2, Twilight, etc.) and then there’s Trash Cinema of the Third Kind. The films made with a micro budget, and exploitative, politically incorrect, rude, crude, filled to the brim with blood, breasts and beasts. Films that refuse to censor their fucked up visions and provides those of us with hearts of garbage all the uncivilized and depraved kicks we so deeply crave . This third kind of Trash Cinema has become scarce. Especially at your neutered, spineless local googaplex which offers us nothing but mindless, million dollar, brain meltingly useless pop culture turd smears which do nothing more than recycle the same old shit whether it’s a remake of a beloved franchise or an adaptation of a Hasbro toy line.
Lucky for us, there are sickos still out there cranking out the over the top Trash Cinema Gold despite there being not a single chance in Hell of their work ever being played in a theater next to one showing the latest High School Musical installment. Honestly, this is like a badge of honor. True Trash Cinema Legends such as Herschell Gordon Lewis, Lloyd Kaufman, & Russ Meyer (among countless others) have always operated and created their own distinct brands of Trash Cinema far outside the pop culture mainstream all the while influencing and mutating that same pop culture it from the outside in. These true legends of Trash changed the game forever and they did it without shame, without compromise and without apology. In their wake they have created generation after generation of sick sleaze hounds like myself admiring and craving all things nasty and loathsome. We’ve begun to take matters into our own hands and have begun creating the films that lovingly take us back to the filthy, warped movies that shaped our young lives.
Which brings us to Black Devil Doll. An off the wall, shoe string budget horror, exploitation, comedy bastard amalgam paying homage to an era when filmmakers knew just how fucked up their audience was and were eager to deliver the goods and splatter the results all over the screen. Ah, the good old days.
Written and produced by the loveable visionary behind Brawlin’ Broads Mitch Mayes (http://brawlinbroads.com/main.htm) and Shawn Lewis, the man behind Rotten Cotton (http://www.rottencotton.com/) Black Devil Doll has been hyped for what feels like forever in horror rags, conventions and message boards. Believe it or not the film was produced back in 2007 and gradually gained cult status through a steady does of midnight screenings and festival showings over the years.
Now the wait is finally over for us Trash Collectors because Black Devil Doll is now out on DVD for all of us to watch and marvel at. It’s being sold as a killer black puppet movie chock full of freakishly ample bare breasts, but in all actuality it’s a story of a lonely, young woman with a gigantic rack and the love she has for a mass-murdering, rape happy ventriloquist’s dummy she is foolish enough to fall in love with. This flick’s a heart breaker.
Ah, young love.
Our movie begins with the execution of a 60’s era black power revolutionary, Mubia Abul-Jama, for the rape and murder of 15 white women. He is strapped into he electric chair, a salad bowl is placed on his head, he utters his final words, “I like to eat white butt!” and is deep fried into the after life. Meanwhile, a voluptuous bored young woman by the name of Heather (Heather Murphy) decides to waste some time on the Ouija board, and wouldn’t you know it, she manages to summon the spirit of the recently executed Mubia who shoots out of the Ouija board and into a Ventriloquist dummy that happens to be chilling on the couch. Mubia’s spirit is so strong he turn the dummy black, grows it an enourmous afro, whale sized dick and even changes the dummies clothes!
Heather isn’t too freaked out by this turn of events and over the course of a casual conversation with the now possessed Black Devil Doll Heather ends up seduced and falling hopelessly in love with the guy. Before you know it Mubia has his wooden head plopped between Heather’s legs and proclaiming such pillow talk as “Damn, baby, this some tasty ass pussy! Reminds me of my Momma’s fried chicken!” Such a sweet talker, how could she resist falling in love?
Black Devil Doll & Heather have a heart to heart.
Not long after the Black Devil Doll and Heather become an item BDD breaks it to Heather than he can’t be happy with just one woman. Like a dog he must piss in another person’s yard from time to time. He asks Heather if she can “dig it” and she nods her head in approval as tears stream down her face. Heather agrees to invite over her girlfriends, get them liquored up and let the Black Devil Doll have his way with them while she makes herself scarce. Where will she go? “McDonald’s os some shit!” Black Devil Doll suggests.
Heather's pals hard at work washing their car.
Heather’s friends show up with a case of wine coolers and spend about five minutes worth of running time washing their car in Heather’s driveway immediately upon arrival as Black Devil Doll watches from inside. One of them even buffs the front windshield with her boobs proving silicone has the same affect as Rain-X.
Boobs. For that streak free shine every time.
Once their car is nice and sparkling clean and the Black Devil Doll has jizzed all over the living room window the girls all huddle inside making squeaky noises and showing off their tits (many of which are of the disturbingly fake variety) before playing a dull game of Twister. Black Devil Doll signals Heather to get the fuck out of there. Once Heather departs the remaining girls decide to bathe themselves or go topless sunbathing out in the back yard. This gives Black Devil Doll plenty of opportunities to go murder and rape some “white bitches.”
Killing off some "White Bitches."
And he sure enough does. He bashes some heads in with a baseball bat, slits a throat, electrocutes another, etc. The violence is Blood Feast, 2,000 Maniacs level crud which adds to the cartoonish zaniness on hand. As graphic as it all is it’s so over the top and crappily staged you end up simply giggling at the goofiness of it all.
Heather filled with rage and Big Macs!
Heather comes home to find all her friends naked, raped, and butchered on the Twister tarp. Heather is understandably pissed off by this. Black Devil Doll tries to sweet talk her but this time he’s gone too far! Heather rips open her shirt in a frenzy, grabs her roscoe and unloads a thousand round clip into the puppet she loved.
Hell hath no fury...
In a movie like Black Devil Doll there’s no real subtext or any need to look further into what’s one screen. It’s simple exploitative sleaze. And it’s incredibly juvenile at that. Many of the piss, shit and cum gags are more face palmingly stupid than shocking or outrageous. These are the kind of ideas you and your friends came up with in high school when you were drinking a case of beer and watching a marathon of Troma movies on your old beat up VCR. There’s nothing ground breaking to be found in Black Devil Doll but what can be found here is a whole lot of stupid, disgusting, 6th grade level fun. This is a bad, bad, trashy film but it’s not trying to be anything else. And with a title like Black Devil Doll you know EXACTLY what you’re getting yourself into.
Black Devil Doll endorses Salad Tossing.
Where the movie excels is in the post production department. This movie could easily have been just slapped together as an assembly of just one scene right after another but instead editors Jonathan Lewis and John Osteen managed to add some great visual touches including split screens, collages, and some very cool transitions to make this film look like it cost far more than it actually did. Their editing skills added a lot of style and, dare I say, class to the nasty proceedings. It looks like it could actually be a lost piece of 70’s era grindhouse cinema.
Black Devil Doll carries on the fine Trash Cinema tradition of bingeing on a constant flow of bizarre films, digesting it all, and purging the mixture of all the influences that stuck with you into a glorious piece of cinema that pays homage to the glorious days of 42nd Street sleaze and Drive-In exploitation grandiose. It’s a love letter to a long lost era of fun, terrible films that were made for those of us with our minds firmly stuck in the gutter. Black Devil Doll lives at the very bottom of the dumpster licking up all the rancid drippings and residue left behind by it’s fore fathers of Trash Cinema. And I cannot thank them enough for sticking to their guns and delivering the grotesque goods.
For Turkey Day 2009 I figured what better way to celebrate here at The Trash Cinema Collective than with the 1972 Anti-Drug, Pro-Christian, Mutant Killer Turkey film…Blood Freak!
That’s right, hold onto Plymouth Rock and prepare yourself for horrendous audio, unintelligible mumbling, bio-hazardous turkey meat, real life turkey decapitation, bible thumpers in red hot pants, sibling rivalry, turkey poking, mutant sex, cock blockage, a God live ever present narrator, the complimentary use of the term “husky”, real life amputees, lots of screaming, copious blood squirting, and poultry rage!
This episode wouldn’t have been possible without the indispensable help of Team Trash Cinema: Erica Andrus, Justin Falco and Terrius Greene whose performances bring this Thanksgiving Holiday Special to life. Thanks again, gang!
A mere two weeks after Halloween and we are immediately faced with the second most notable day on the horror calendar. That’s right, HAPPY FRIDAY THE 13TH! This has been quite a heavy year for Friday the 13th with the remake coming out plus three weekends beginning with the date. Hell, my very first Rotten Review episode was that extensive two part, extremely controversial Top 13 Kills of Friday the 13th which you can find on the site if you are feeling frisky…
So, in honor of our third and final Friday the 13th of 2009 I figured I’d list some other personal random favorites from the longest running, critically bashed, blood soaked, breast filled, TRASHTASTIC horror franchise to ever exist…FRIDAY THE 13TH!
WARNING: THIS IS GOING TO GET NERDY
FAVORITE ENTRY: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (84)
You could find the VHS copy rented and spinning in my VCR just about any weekend of my teenage years.
Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, intended to end the franchise, is by far and away the best of the series. Paramount Pictures brought in genre director (and personal favorite) Joeseph Zito (The Prowler) to helm what the trailers claimed to be “The One You’ve Been Dying For.” Also back was make-up effects legend Tom Savini to kill off Jason Voorhees, a monster he designed and created, in the original Friday the 13th (80).
Savini kills of Jason. Yeah, he's not walking away from that.
The Final Chapter is a Friday Fan’s wet dream. It has all the elements you could ever want and then some. The deaths are brutal, the breasts plentiful, the characters likable (well, except for Ted) and above all else the flick is actually some what scary while still managing to be fun viewing. The film is also notorious amongst fans for featuring the legendary dance moves of a young soon to be cult icon actor, Crispin Glover.
Also on hand was the soon to be 80’s child star phenomenon and future reality TV star Mr. Corey Feldman in one of his first leading man roles.
Tom Savini’s effects are incredible but not the only stars. The kids in Part IV do an excellent job of making their characters empathetic and believable which is way above the call of duty for this awe inspiringly long running franchise. Joe Zito took on a film which could have been a total disaster but instead delivered precisely what the hardcore fans of the series wanted. This entry is a sure fire crowd pleaser.
FAVORITE FINAL GIRL: Ginny Field – Friday the 13th Part 2 (81)
Ginny will get laid, drink a six pack, and go kick Jason's ass all in the span of 24 hours. My kind of woman.
We all know the rules. Have sex or do drugs anywhere NEAR Camp Crystal Lake and you’re toast. No questions asked. This is part of the mythology and something even those not wholly familiar with the series know. This shit is pretty much written in stone. In Friday the 13th Part II one badass final girl who survives her harrowing night at camp blood (and manages to save her boyfriend Paul, to boot) spun those rules on their head. Her name is Ginny Field. A young, beautiful, camp counselor in training who happens to be studying child psychology (PLOT POINT!) and is portrayed by the lovely Amy Steel. Amy has never received enough credit for single handidly making Part II one of the most beloved entries amongst fans.
Ginny (Amy Steel) looks fetching in her yellow bikini at Camp Crystal Lake.
Ginny doesn’t only drink her male cohorts under the table, is implied to smoke a little Mary Jane every now and then, but it is also implied that she gets it on all night with Paul (a fellow she seems to have a history with) on her very first night at Crystal Lake. And don’t be fooled by Ginny’s delicate beauty. She’s also fiercely independent, smart and does her share of the hard labor around the Counselor Training Facility lugging around chain-saws and cutting up firewood.
Ginny manages to pretty much kick the crap out of Jason towards the end the film. An ass kicking unrivaled until part VII when the telekinetic manic chick Tina showed up on the scene and dropped furniture on our hockey masked mongoloid hero. Ginny, however, smashes chairs over Jason, attacks him with a chainsaw, chops him open with a machete and cracks him right in the balls. Ginny needs no telekinesis because she has her own strength to rely on. Among the plethora of ever changing Final Girls in the Friday the 13th series, Ginny stands out as one of the most intelligent, strong, sexy and ferocious of the bunch. A Final Girl to which all others are measured. Even though this flick is older than I am (by a year!) everytime I watch I fall in love with Ginny all over again. Great character brought to life by an excellent actress.
FAVORITE JASON: Ted White – Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (84)
Ted White as Jason unmasked in The Final Chapter.
I know, Kane Hodder was my absolute favorite Jason for years seeing as my first introduction to the series was catching Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood on USA back when I was a kid. I loved the lumbering, slow, skull crushingly strong, unstoppable, Man-Tank, Jason. And for years Kane Hodder’s version of Jason was the cream in my Crystal Lake coffee and still holds a dear place in my heart for turning me into the ”Hotly Monogamous” Friday the 13th fan I am today. Then there’s this Jason…
Ted White. One Dashing Jason.
Over the years and after all the countless viewings another performer’s incarnation of Jason rose to the top in my blood caked book. Veteran stuntman, Ted White, brought something to the character of Jason I feel no one had before or since. Not only is this the final installment in which Jason actually RUNS after his victims it is also the only film where Jason seems to be thinking, truly emoting rage and takes a shit load of damage without really caring. The Jason’s in part 2-3 both were stopped numerous times on those outings but in The Final Chapter it’s as if Jason just doesn’t care anymore. He so hates those he blames for his current state that no amount of pain inflicted will stop him. Keep in mind, Jason is still just a rage fueled human being at this point and not the undead super beast he would become.
Ted White is a big, fit, burly guy who filled that hockey mask perfectly and encompasses everything I see in the overlooked and misunderstood character of Jason Voorhees. Well, everything a rabidly obsessive fan sees in him. Did I mention I’m a nerd?
FAVORITE JASON MOMENT: Jason’s Multiple Fail – Friday the 13th Part II (81)
For the longest time Friday the 13th Part II was my favorite entry in the series. It has some really great and admirable assets. From how the characters were handled (especially the females), the brilliantly conceived kills (Mark, the guy who gets it in the wheelchair, still blows me away), the only time we get full frontal female nudity, Paul’s AMAZING campfire tale about the Voorhees Legend, Pamela’s withered old head on a stump, Marta Kober in that bikini, I could go on all day.
Paul fills us in on what Jason's been up to.
But Friday the 13th Part II also features one other element that ranks among my favorite things in any franchise. The Jason Voorhees killer learning curve. This is Jason’s first time out of the gates following in his mother’s footsteps as a spree killer. Jason does a commendable job setting up traps and killing off the first handful of counselors but once he is face to face with Final Girl, Ginny, he just fails miserably.
I’ve put together this little montage below featuring all Jason’s epic fails from Friday the 13th Part 2.
How can you not be a fan of Jason’s after watching him screw up, fumble his kills and get man handled by Ginny? It’s one of the most endearingly cute final chases ever filmed. Jason (as performed here by Steve Daskawisz) is pretty damn scary through out the picture until this final chase. He’s like a goofy, cuddly teddy bear trying to nab the girl but constantly bumbling it up. I know a lot of fans like to think Jason has always been great at butchering people but the fact is he had to learn the hard way and it’s adorably illustrated in Part II.
FAVORITE BREASTS:
TIED! Debi Sue Voorhees – Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (85) & Julianna Guill – Friday the 13th (09)
Julianna Guill
Jeez, this was a tough one. It came down to a battle of Old School vs. New School. Classic vs Remake. Natural vs. Natural. Now, anyone who knows me knows good and damn well that I am an avid supported of beautiful natural breasts. I love them and they have been missing from the horror scene since the mid-90’s/ It seems the only folks willing to show their breasts are those who pack their chests with saline. But there’s something to be said for the horror films of old where some of the most glorious, curvey and natural states of beauty were on display moments before some swarthy effects guy gl latex appliance to them and doused them in sticky fake blood.
Thankfully, both of these women are keeping it natural, bouncy and beautiful. These breasts, of course, are according to my own personal taste. I’ve always been a fan of big boobs. You can thank Yvette from Clue (85) and Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (88) for warping my young, impressionable mind.
Debi Sue Voorhees plays Tina, one of the mentally disturbed teenagers at the Pinehurst Halfway House. Pinehurst apparently relies on a trust system which allows the mentally unstable inhabitants to murder one another in broad daylight and go onto other people’s property and deep dick the snot out of one another. This is how Tine spends most of her time with one of the strapping young crazy fellows in the looney bin, er, halfway house…
In her featured sex scene director Danny Steinmann (a former pon filmmaker) trains that camera right on her tits and makes sure to keep one nipple in every shot while she’s nude. Debi Sue has some massive breasts and it’s always a treat to see those puppies in all their glory.
Now, I am not a fan of remakes and Michael Bay and Marcus Nispel’s dumb-shit rehash of Friday the 13th series is no exception. From it’s shitty take on Mrs. Voorhees’s legend, to the lame brained idea of having a vast mine shaft under the camp which is located near a huge lake (what in the world were they mining for?) to all the masturbation and dummy fucking jokes, I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of nerd rage growing ever stronger in my stomach. Seriously, if Ie ver see Michael Bay, that fucker’s a dead man.
However, among all the irredeemable crap that makes up 99% of the 2009 Friday the 13th remake there is one moment that stands out. Well, technically two. The beautiful, all natural, monuments breasts of Julianna Guill. The film feature two other pairs of breasts but they prove to be lack luster and rather, um, stiff. Just when I thought there was no hope and Friday the 13th had fallen pray to the crappy boob monster, here comes Julianna ripping her top off, stripping down and riding some asshole character we cannot wait to see die. Julianna is not afraid to show off her Wonder Twins. Hell, why would she? They are magnificent!
Well, Gang, I hope everyone has plans for a great Friday the 13th weekend. It’s that one sporadic day a year where we get to be with our friends, let loose, and laugh and howl at one of the most unabashadley ridiculous horror franchises to ever enter the pop culture lanscape. Just remember, as you open that beer, light that joint, of drop those drawers, take a quick look out the window just in case…because Jason could be watching.
Chi, Chi,Chi…Ah,Ah,Ah…
Necrophilia is in this season.
Happy Friday the 13th everyone! Be safe and Stay Trashy!
Primal Root’s Rotten Reviews presents Blood Freak
Tags: 1972, 70's, bad, blood, boobs, breasts, cinema, collective, comedy, commentary, creature, death, drugs, exploitation, Florida, freak, fun, Gore, horror, marijuana, meat, Monster, movie, murder, mutant, naked, pot, primal, review, Root, rotten, sex, skit, stoner, stoners, Tallahassee, Thanksgiving, tits, topless nude, Trash, Turkey, violence
Hey Gang,
For Turkey Day 2009 I figured what better way to celebrate here at The Trash Cinema Collective than with the 1972 Anti-Drug, Pro-Christian, Mutant Killer Turkey film…Blood Freak!
That’s right, hold onto Plymouth Rock and prepare yourself for horrendous audio, unintelligible mumbling, bio-hazardous turkey meat, real life turkey decapitation, bible thumpers in red hot pants, sibling rivalry, turkey poking, mutant sex, cock blockage, a God live ever present narrator, the complimentary use of the term “husky”, real life amputees, lots of screaming, copious blood squirting, and poultry rage!
This episode wouldn’t have been possible without the indispensable help of Team Trash Cinema: Erica Andrus, Justin Falco and Terrius Greene whose performances bring this Thanksgiving Holiday Special to life. Thanks again, gang!
Have a Happy Thanksgiving and Stay Trashy!
-The Primal Root